Concerning him
by Stray
Summary: COMPLETED Shindo has a party at his apartement when Touya suddenly shows up and his apperance renders Shindo to think about their strange relationship.
1. Concerning him

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Concerning him  
  
by Stray  
  
13. 10. 2003  
  
rating: R  
  
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.  
  
Warnings: bad english, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi hints, pairing: HxA, IxW  
  
Note: I found some errors, so this is a corrected version  
  
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It was a Sunday evening he rang on my door.  
  
I was having one of those "parties" at that time with Waya, Isumi and some girls they brought to my apartment for that night. I cannot remember their names nor their faces anymore, but then again I hardly can remember any of the chicks ever attended those "parties". I only know that they were wearing those adhesive miniskirts and tight tops I always found ridiculous to wear in the cold autumn weather though they surely thought that they look enticing and perhaps even tantalizing in them. They were for one night only. Didn't last and didn't even want more. On these "parties" at some time two of them after getting _slightly_ illuminated would leave alongside my two friends and one would stay with me to warm my bed till the next morning.  
  
This time though it wasn't bound to happen that way. Because of _his_ arrival.  
  
I wasn't expecting to see him when I opened the door; thinking of who could it be at that time and lightheartedly swearing under the influence of alcohol contained by various beverages mutually consumed earlier that night. However in the very moment I saw him all the lightness and cheerful mood caused by said alcohol evaporated from my mind.  
  
It weren't the bruises on his face nor the torn and disheveled condition of his clothes that caused my sudden sobering. It were his eyes; that vulnerable and already wounded look in them that I have seen a few times only but I haven't had pretty memories from those occasions. No in fact they were really bad times for him - and for me because of him.  
  
I urged him hurriedly in and led him into the bath directing him to keep the door closed till I get rid of the people currently enjoying themselves in my living room. I couldn't let him be seen like that, not even by my two closest friends though it didn't occur to him to feel shame about his condition yet but I knew it occurred him later on and he would be annoyed if I allowed it to happen.  
  
So I quickly arranged us to be left alone effectively ignoring the questioning looks from my friends and the obtuse chattering of the females. Of course they heard the ringing and wanted to know who is the person I let in and want to be privately with. But they understood my intention not to sate their curiosity at that time.  
  
After five long minutes of impatient negotiating from my side and stupid joking on theirs I achieved at least to shut the door behind the noisy bunch, and leaning my back against it I waited for them to leave the floor and be certain myself that they wouldn't come back.  
  
Then I closed the distance between my front door and the bath in two large leaps and lifted my hand intended to knock.  
  
"Shindo?" I heard my shakily uttered name from the inside and it caused me to abandon all my politeness and open the door without answering. He sat on the floor not even bothering its coldness; arms clasping his raised knees in tight embrace and his entire body rocking back and forth trying to comfort himself and failing at it miserably.  
  
It was then that I couldn't bear his sight anymore and had to pull him up from the ground to hold him close. His arms clutched on my ribcage that hard I almost cried out in pain but I managed to stay still, emanating only a silent gasp of surprise. After some time I got accustomed with it and it didn't hurt anymore physically. But my pain came from seeing him like that and knowing I cannot make his wounds go away only render them a little less painful. Likewise my anguish they weren't of physical origin either. The bruises and lacerations on his flesh would go away after some time and come back by his own deeds again after a time.  
  
"So, you did it again..." I whispered in his ear stroking the usually silky now damp, stuck-together strains on his head that lay on my shoulder. It wasn't a question but a statement. He wasn't even starting to deny the fact I knew happened earlier this evening. It was obvious since he reeked of a strong male odor alien of his own faint scent, and clearly the mixture of that of several men mingled in the smell of alcohol and the unmistakable stain of muddy little alleys just in the back of highly illuminated busy main streets with countless clubs, discos and movie theatres.  
  
He is taller than me, only five centimeters but that difference made my comforting him slightly awkward as he leaned on me. He didn't say anything but he didn't need to do so. It wasn't my function in his eyes to listen to his "adventures" recited on a trembling voice and then scold him because of things he did know anyways were bad for him; but to be there in silent understanding.  
  
I couldn't bear that ugly stink on him anymore so I reached out to start the bath and let him gently slide down to a sitting position onto the rim of the tub. As we listened to the soothing gush of the water filling it I divested him quickly of the ragged clothes he wore (that, I bet, weren't ragged a few hours before). His body was like marble from cold and I wasn't surprised to find bruises everywhere already beginning to turn blue, and blood - on his underpants mainly. So _they_ were not the tenderly kind of guys again. I couldn't suppress a disapproving growl and he threw a started glimpse on me then guided his eyes to the garment I was busy with to strip him out form. I saw his cheeks redden in humiliation he yet only started to feel; and heard a soft, low-pitched cry emanating from his throat. But he remained silent further on.  
  
The water was ready, so I let him slide in the tub. His body was slim and had virtually no weight on that night. Narrow shoulders, no visible muscles on his arms and legs, slender waist that continued in an equally tenuous hip and slightly rounded bottom. His belly was flat, almost hollow; I think he didn't eat much in the past few days. Fine, rare hair was growing underneath, beginning at his belly button, sliding down in a straight line to his groin. His features were those of a girl - so unlike his strong, commanding appearance beside the Go table. Not many people knew his current face that he showed only me - and those bastards responsible for him being in this state.  
  
Why...? I asked him that many times in the past mainly on occasions like this one, but his answer didn't satisfy me. Why did he have to go and let himself be screwed by unknown, dirty, uncaring people? He didn't know. He didn't even want that when he was in his normal state of mind. He knew it could cost his reputation, his carrier as a professional go player - holder of several titles, the respect of the society and his parents, and all the little things one holds certain in his life; once it were discovered. But at times he felt lonely and abandoned from all people he didn't think about those things, he only got up and went out into the night not really expecting anything, only to satisfy the longing in him for some kind of company and usually ended up at the worst of it. It was like an alternate form of drug addiction, he knew its bad aftereffects but he went on despite this knowledge and ruined himself like this every bloody time.  
  
Why he couldn't have a normal relationship with a normal guy who respected him and cared for him, may even loved him, I don't know. No it isn't true. I knew of his fear of his homosexuality being exposed that he thought was a dirty and unworthy aspect of the noble go player that he was carving for to become. His family pride and the narrow-mindedness of his father didn't help the situation either. So he couldn't be like Waya and Isumi who were openly living together though for the public they were housemates - two young men who liked the rushing lifestyle of the bachelors driving sport of women, parties and stuff. I let myself drag into it by attending those parties they held once in a month - frequently enough to fool publicity. They didn't even mind sleeping occasionally with those women. And no one caught a word of how actually things were going.  
  
But not with Touya. It wasn't his style and maybe he really couldn't change even if he tried. No, he couldn't even think of trying and I knew it was partly my fault. He couldn't just go out and find a guy for a serious relationship, because once he was rejected by someone he really loved - and thoughtfully, does so to this very day. He said, he could try to find a substitute, but knowing him, and the intensity of his feelings, I think, it wouldn't last long. Maybe it would help him to forget that particular one if he weren't to see him and talk to him every second day. And that's the point where my conscience kicks in...  
  
Because the one who rejected him was I.  
  
I don't know if I ever could leave him on his own, leave Go and our friendship that lasted more than then years up to this day. He is my friend and I need him to be there as my rival. It's egoistic and I cannot excuse myself by saying that he needs me on equal terms just about the same, and who would be the one he could turn to when he gets screwed again?  
  
Then why had I rejected him? Because I am not gay? I don't have anyone either, I sleep with girls now and then brought to my apartment by Waya and Isumi, but without the parties I don't think I would bother to go and find some of that kind of distraction. They are good only to one thing and it isn't something I couldn't live without. Of course I have female friends, mainly women who are connected to Go, and of course Akari, my childhood friend. We meet once or twice in a month, usually by accident, and then cheat a while about ridiculous, impersonal things from my side, and about her family, husband and daughter from hers. We speak neither of Go nor her job. But she asks a lot of our old, mutual friends. And she suspects some things about Touya and me. Usually if it comes up, always accidentally, she switches to demure whispering and tries to divert from the topic.  
  
I observed him as he leaned back and ducked a little more into the hot water, not bothering to clean up himself. His eyes were closed and his cheeks began to gather some color from the hot water. I sighed and went about to do the washing for him. With a soft sponge I scrubbed all the dirt and the bad smelling body fluids of his pale skin not really troubled by the sounds of pain at some places when I rubbed a little harder. Hell, he was the one doing this to his own body; he should learn to bear the consequences! When I was about to wash his butt, he took the sponge out of my hands and started to clean his most aching part of body with a mixture of pain and shame written on his face. It didn't escape my attention that the water went a hue of pink betraying the evidence of more blood flowing from a certain location. I gauged if he would need professional medical treatment but I knew he didn't want other people to witness his shame by seeing him like this, not even a doctor who was bound to secrecy by his profession. I calmed down myself as I saw that the water wouldn't get any redder, so the bleeding must have been stopped already.  
  
He finished and stood up nearly slipping but I grabbed his arm and held him steady. He muttered a weak Thanks and leaped out of the bathtub on the carpet. I began to dry his body with a fluffy towel and then wiggled him in it. I opened the door to guide him into the bedroom but he was weak, nearly collapsed only after taking a few steps. So I lifted him into my arms - light as he was - and then after pacing into the said room put him down on the one and only bed. He knew what is bound to come; I quickly dressed him up in a pair of fresh pajamas and pulled the blanket over him.  
  
"Don't leave me!" he tried to protest weakly. I turned and observed his pleading face a while. "I only want to take a shower. Won't last long, promise." I said and did so.  
  
I came back after ten minutes dressed in some boxers because I couldn't find any more clean pajamas. I saw he wasn't asleep yet, despite his weakness, he was waiting for me to return. I was almost moved by his effort and tried to smile at him reassuring regardless of what I really felt at his sight. I couldn't let him think I would despise him because of what happened. He only would break more. I had already broken him enough.  
  
I slid under the blanket next to him and tried to settle myself for the night comfortably. I only had one bed but it was big enough for the two of us to sleep in. At the first occurrence he had been protesting, "If I wasn't like _that_..." but now it was the umpteenth time and the previous schedule turned somehow into a sad routine. When I finished moving he felt his time came and awkwardly carefully lifted his body part by part and slowly, as if ashamed of it, snuggled himself to my side. As I felt my patience come to an end I reached beneath him and pulled him close letting my arm slowly slide down to his hip. He nested his head into the hollow of my shoulder, lifted his knees up - one on top of my legs, one next to it, bending backwards - to compensate our height-difference that came out more enhanced by this position. I felt his foot cold despite that he just came out of hot water, but I knew it would warm up in no time, just like his icy fingers he laid on my bare chest, slightly stroking my skin. I pretended not to notice that.  
  
I let out a sigh and felt his neck bending a bit upwards to look at me questioning what that was for; but he couldn't see my face in that darkness anyway. So I turned my head down a little coming up to him so our temples touched. I had come upon a decision. I tightened my grip with my arm that held him, pressed his body closer to myself and said:  
  
"Akira..." I never ever have called him on his given name before. I held my breath but he didn't protest like I expected him to do, so I continued my speech. "... Please, don't do that ever again! I don't like to see you ruin yourself that way... If you are in need of something, come to me! I will do whatever you want; will be whatever you want! I only ask you this one thing in return."  
  
He stayed silent and placed his head back to his previous position. I didn't even hear his breathing; he must have held it back. Then he spoke, and to my astonishment, his voice was not a weak, shaking, but the strong, authoritative one he always spoke on when under people. I couldn't erase his picture coming up in my mind that was belonging to that firm voice, his expression when he played go in earnest: fiery eyes, thin line of a mouth... surely he had to look like that at that moment.  
  
"You find me that pitiful?" he asked. That was true, but I was eager to deny it, because I knew he didn't like it. However, I didn't have the opportunity to do so. "I do not want your pity!" he spat. I felt the anger coming up in my throat. "Then do not commit things to deserve it!" I wasn't exactly shouting, more like whispering in a hard tone.  
  
That hit. I felt something warm and wet on my skin where his lashes touched my throat and couldn't hold my hand back from touching that wetness on his face. He shuddered back from my touch then leaned his cheek into my palm. "You say it, and I will do anything!" I offered renewed. I stroke him gently up and down as I concentrated on the words I knew he would say next.  
  
"Then can you love me?" he asked in a different voice. I sort of expected him to say that. And I knew my answer would be a 'Yes'. It wouldn't be the first time I slept with a guy, not even the first time with this particular guy... However he continued his speech before I could agree. "I mean not with your body. That isn't the only thing I want. I mean with your heart, your mind, your soul!"  
  
I froze in that moment. The answer, a determined 'Yes', was already on my tongue. But I just couldn't say it. I couldn't lie bluntly. Not to him. And if I considered his question in earnest, even then I couldn't know if I would be able to fulfill his wish.  
  
It seemed he wasn't really expecting me to answer. He found his answer in the silence. After a while he placed his head back to the hollow of my shoulder and ten minutes later I heard his even breathing. I don't know how long I stayed awake that night, thinking about it, him, us...  
  
I only know about how I placed my hand previously stroking his face on his fist clasped tightly; and unbound his fingers with mines.   
  
-the end- -or maybe not- 


	2. Concerning me

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Chapter 02  
  
Concerning me  
  
by Stray  
  
16. 10. 2003  
  
Rating: R  
  
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.  
  
Warnings: bad english, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi hints, pairing: HxA, IxW  
  
Comment: As you can see I did the first chapter a few days ago, but couldn't post it till yesterday. Next day I got some ideas for the sequel in a dream (it won't be to dreamlike though). But I wanted to get some opinions before I went forward with it. Now I think it will stretch to more than three chapters and I already have some ideas but I can't see it in whole so another sequels will follow. You just have to wait a little.   
  
And yes, as you can read below they are twenty-some years old here. Sorry, I didn't mention it before. Oh, and MANY THANKS for the reviews! I have to admit, I was a little scarred that you would mention my grammar or semantics because it's the first time I write something in english.  
  
Hope, you enjoy.  
  
Stray  
  
Note: also corrected (like chapter1)!  
  
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For better understanding: the paragraphs beginning with "..." are also the parts where Hikaru starts to dig up memories.  
  
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That night I couldn't sleep very well. I held him in his sleep thinking about things he said and I said then about other times, when we were younger. I drifted into a dream of swirling chaos of my thoughts and memories merged together in a confusing mixture. I could have barely slept a few hours when I woke up hearing voices and feeling someone shivering and twitching next to me. "Father, no! Please! I didn't do anything wrong… did I?"  
  
He was dreaming of _that_ again. I don't know if anyone besides me knew about that he had some sort of really nasty dreams. And maybe no other than me knew the origin of those dreams. It weren't his slips into the dark side of the nightlife, nor the fear of having unveiled his shame, but the love and pride of a father.  
  
…When he was a child, his father loved him the most, taught him his Go and they discussed everything. There were no secrets between them; there were also no need for secrets. Over a too long period of time it's just not healthy. Everyone needs his own secrets. I had also secrets beginning with Sai's existence but not ending there. As a child grows up, adolescence comes and the little secrets just multiply. I mean what boy would tell his parents about his morning erection, his first time to cum by masturbating… He was that kind. His only interest was Go he didn't have friends, boys of his own age, but he caught up things from here and there. So I could say, he was a very mature kid. And knowing his father very well, he decided for the first time not to tell him about something: his first kiss…  
  
…He knew from the start what kind of a guy he would be, where his interests lay. He wasn't drifting between partners of different genders, never had a girlfriend, not even for trying how it could be. So his first kiss was like expected also with a guy - five years his senior. He was fifteen. It was the time when the two of us started to become friends. Of course I didn't know about the whole thing either. He could keep it secret from everyone because no one had expected him to have a secret of that dimension. Most people thought him to be transparent and emotionless, only living and caring for Go. I have seen his other side, the passionate, intense one that showed me on occasions we played Go that ended in a heated argument. I don't know whether he was like that with his frequently changing acquaintances or the "cold fish" he was called by everyone behind his back…  
  
He ended up with his back to me huddled into a foetal position. I turned to my side and carefully shifted him into a tender hug to stop his shivering. He seemed to calm down a little, but his soft cries didn't stop by that. I caressed his face to wake him up gently, not all of a sudden, and it worked. He opened his eyelids only slightly like he was half asleep. "Bad dream" I said then stroke his hair. "Sleep now, and try to dream of something happier this time!" He nodded slowly and closed his eyes again. It didn't pass a second when he was asleep once more.  
  
…It was after our first professional match against each other, I think two or three months past after that, that he called me on the phone in the middle of the night. It was my second night in my new apartment and I didn't even remember having given him my phone number. It must have been at the first night's big party. I woke up a little dizzy; first I didn't find the phone in my new, unfamiliar surroundings. I heard his voice, weak and broken, so unlike him - I thought; that first I didn't even believe it was him, 'thought it's a prank call from my friends. He said he was in the neighborhood and couldn't go home because of a certain matter he wasn't willing to tell about. He politely asked me if I would mind to accommodate him for the remainder of the night. I threw a glimpse at the digital chronometer standing on the nightstand realizing it was two o'clock in the morning. I said "no prob'" and couldn't imagine what circumstance could drift him at that time to my door.  
  
I got a bathrobe on my shoulders till I was waiting for him to come up with the elevator and tried to suppress my yawns. It was dark in the stairway; he didn't bother to switch up the lights. The only illumination was coming from behind me through the open door and from the elevator opening right then. But the lack of it wasn't enough to hide his appearance from my eyes. I was caught in the middle of a yawn and my mouth stayed open, I think, at his sight.  
  
He looked at me with large, resigned eyes, showing only fatigue but not pain. He tried his best not to be a nuisance.  
  
"What happened to you?" I gasped, he merely smiled and shook his head, not answering my question, indicating that he wanted to discuss that under more private circumstances. I stepped aside and let him in then closed the door behind him. I noticed that besides his rundown outfit there was another oddity about him: his steps seemed unsteady, lightly curving his pace. "You drank!" I exclaimed. "So what?" he spat. I haven't even seen him that drunk on my party two nights before, where everyone was. "And you were beaten up badly! Who did this?" I asked trying to stay calm. I couldn't stop myself guessing. Was he attacked because of his drunken state, or was it something else? I was thinking on everything. I couldn't know the reality that was a lot worse than the situations my mind could come up with.  
  
He was barely staying on his feet, so I helped him in and let him down to sit on the couch. I wasn't able to think of what I could do to ease his state.  
  
"Sorry" he said hoarsely. "I couldn't think of anyone else to go to." I shook my head. "It's OK." I stammered. "Say, what can I do for you? You need medical treatment? Shall I call your parents…"  
  
"God! No! That's the one thing I want the least of all!" That was new for me. He always seemed close to his parents. I thought he didn't want them to worry about him. "Could I use your bath? I have to take a shower." He said plainly and as I looked at him he didn't seem that drunken anymore. His breath smelled of alcohol a little, but not that much of it as I imagined seeing his state. His unsteadiness could have been caused by tiredness and hurt from the fight.  
  
I nodded hesitantly and stood up to prepare fresh towel and bathrobe for him. He tanked me politely and vanished into the bathroom for several minutes. I heard the water splashing from the shower and the silence after he finished. I found the silence lasting too long, so I decided to look at him. I got up from the couch I settled myself after watching him step into the bathroom and knocked on the door. "Touya! Can I come in?"  
  
I heard a rumble from behind the door and a faint groan but no answer came. That's when I decided to take the initiative and slid opened the said door. He was lying on the tiles as I started him with my question and he slipped on the wet floor and fell on the ground. As he lay, he tried to cover himself with the bathrobe but it slid aside so it covered practically nothing of his naked body. I starred in his eyes that were full with fear and hurt then lowered my eyes and observed the countless bruises and blue flecks on the frail body.  
  
He tried to restore his decency, but he could barely move his arms because of said bruises. I snapped out from my confused stare and stepped next to him offering my help. He didn't say a word, only accepted it frowning; I couldn't know if it was because of my impoliteness or the ache he must have felt everywhere in his body. I wrapped him into the robe and let him lean on me for support as we went back to the living room and he sat back onto the couch.  
  
"Better?" I asked clumsily not knowing what to say. He nodded his head. "Want to drink some tea?" Nod.  
  
I got up and went into the kitchen to prepare it, I was ready in two minutes and went back with the trail. He took his cup into his hands and held it there not drinking, only staring into the steam still emanating from it. I took a sip and looked at him waiting for him to begin with his story. It was hard for him I saw his hesitation if he could trust me with this.  
  
"Who did it?" I asked after a few minutes heavy silence. He murmured something under his nose that I didn't understand so I told him and then he came up with it again this time a bit louder.  
  
"It was my father…"  
  
"WHAT?" I couldn't hold my voice low; it came as a shock to me. As long I could remember, he was always dearly loved by his father, who had seen his successor in him. I could not believe that man to be capable of doing such cruelty and to his own son even. So that was the cause of him not wanting me to call home. "But why?" I asked still not wanting to believe.  
  
"I told him about something I held in secret for him." his voice was once calm.  
  
"Oh… I understand, it's not my business…" I hurried to say not wanting him to detest me for my lacking manners. He looked at me for the first time directly as if considering a move in Go. His eyes burned with just the same intensity.  
  
"No, you were only too kind to offer me shelter and deal with my problems at this time even. You deserve it only too good to have an explanation from me. And you are concerned in this matter otherwise too…"  
  
He fell silent and I couldn't read his expression anymore. "You mean that secret has something to do with me?" I faltered and panicked. I was thinking of Sai; he couldn't have discovered it without my knowing and told his father? But then if that's how it is, than why is he the one who got beaten.  
  
He slowly nodded. "Yes, partly…"  
  
"So, what is it?" I asked lost my patience when he drifted into silence yet again.  
  
"I… am…" he looked at me, straight into my eyes. "I like you."  
  
He didn't explain it further, but there were no need. As he said it and how he said it I unmistakably knew what he meant. I could only nod, but the world was spinning a great deal before my eyes. "Oh!" I said like I just remembered something that I wanted to say, but I wasn't sure how to continue. His eyes were understanding.  
  
"I'm sorry, I didn't want to offend you."  
  
I looked at him and felt, he was hoping at least a little bit, that I would echo his words and meant so. I let my lips curve into a small smile, showing that I didn't feel offended. "I am honored you feel like that. I'm sorry that I cannot return it." It sounded to me like it was someone else saying those words; they didn't suit me at all. He also noticed the awkwardness of them and smiled at my confusion, shaking his head that he wasn't expecting that from me.  
  
"So, you told him, you were…" I couldn't continue the sentence but he said the word that clang so ugly and dirty to me. I couldn't ever use that term to describe Touya Akira. "A homo? Yes, I did."  
  
"And that you loved me?"  
  
He nodded. Now I was a bit scared, but he assured me that his father wouldn't want to punish me for his deeds.  
  
Baka! I thought. I wasn't scared of that. I was concerned about how our friendship could stand something like that. It did. First it was awkward but his attitude towards me didn't change a bit and I understood that his feelings were also present in the past only I didn't know about them. He was playing against me, speaking, acting like that night's confession never happened. Because I did the same. And I thought everything would be fine. I didn't notice his emotional state; that he was growing more and more desperate as time has passed. He tried to conceal it and he did successfully until it grew too much for him and his illusion-world shattered. He couldn't bear the lies and loneliness anymore. That was the first time he went out only to return ravaged.  
  
Next day he didn't appear to our arranged meeting at the Go club we went occasionally and I decided to look after him in his apartment he got himself after having that fight with his father. They never got back on friendly terms after it. I think his father wasn't even willing to speak a word with his dishonored son.  
  
I found him in a bad shape. First he didn't want to let me in, to see his face, but I threatened him to make a scene if he wasn't going to. Then he didn't want to tell me, what happened, only said: "don't ask!". I pushed him further on not letting him have his way and finally his resolution broke and he told me all of previous night's happenings. I think he needed to tell someone about his crisis and it just happened that I was there and not willing to buy a cheap lie as explanation.  
  
It was the first time I had seen him cry. He saw I was shocked. He thought I would despise him and I wished I could feel like that just as much. Instead I felt pity for him and myself, and that I couldn't respect him anymore. I was wrong. It didn't have to do anything with respect. I was badly disappointed at first and it forced me to think about it constantly. I thought he wanted me get to hate him; that he could forget me more easy once I turned my back to him. Then again I thought, he wanted me to feel sorry for him like he wanted me to pay attention to his feelings. But I could only feel anger. That he wouldn't know better! It lasted only until it repeated himself several times. Then I began to understand that it's in his nature. He tries to suppress things, burry his feelings in himself, but then the time comes when he cannot take in anymore and all the suppressed tension flushes in a flood of emotion. I understood that he couldn't control that, because it's cause was his overexertion to keep control over himself.  
  
Was it my fault that he was like this, did things like this? I felt like he was blaming me with it - getting hurt because I couldn't give him what he desired. I knew, he wouldn't ever want to force me or to harass me purposely, but didn't he know that he was doing the very same thing by harming himself? Because I wasn't there for him? Why did he always have to make me worry about him? Even when he wasn't coming to me bleeding in the middle of the night, I had to think about him every minute, because I couldn't know when he felt like doing that again. I couldn't watch over him 24 hours a day.  
  
And I knew, it would eventually destroy him. I didn't know, if it would be his body that first gives in to the suffering or his soul, his sanity, his social stand. But I was sure that whichever it would be, the others would follow in a fast whirl and at the end it would leave nothing from the Touya Akira I knew. So I had to stop that self-destructive behavior. But how? What could I have done to end this?  
  
_"Can you love me?"_ He said. _"Not only with your body, but your soul, mind… your heart."_  
  
I didn't know if I was capable of doing that. I had been always very careful not to fall in love. It did happen to me once and I got abandoned all of a sudden, before I could even realize that I was in love. I understood it only much later, how I really felt for him. He was so beautiful and kind, a perfect mate in everything. It didn't matter then that he was a male. Hell! He was a ghost even, not having any substantial body. But Sai was my first love; I have no doubts about that anymore. And he just left me. I don't think he ever thought about me like that; if he would have, I would have realised the true nature of my own feelings sooner. But it didn't matter for he was there for me whenever I needed him, always caring, even if I hurt him. After he left, I decided not to let anyone to get near me.  
  
I knew I couldn't bear again being the one left behind.  
  
So I ended up with one-night relationships, never allowed myself to feel anything else for my partners than indifference. I took them in the time they were there for certain and didn't mind their absence when not. They were like obstacles - disposable, replaceable and easy to acquire. It became a habit; it came so naturally by now that I didn't know if I would be capable of feeling anything for anyone yet again. Even if I tried.  
  
I don't say I liked the way I had become. In fact sometimes I was envious of lucky couples I could see anywhere strolling on the streets, eating in restaurants, present even at the Go Center. Sometimes I wondered if I could find someone else who understood me, liked me just as much I liked her or him. But I had already found my soul mate in Sai and I didn't give a great chance that there was another person like that between the see of people drifting around in the world.  
  
I haven't realized the dawn passing away and the morning coming until the streets filled up with noise and light permeated my room with its patient consistence. Touya begun to move next to me in the process of waking up. His face caught some color and fortunately he got only a few cuts on it already healing but no blue swellings as I expected from seeing him previous night.  
  
I was watching him as he opened his eyelids slowly as if in pain and took in the sight of my room gradually. I saw the realization hitting him as his expression turned from the previous peaceful one to a sad, mortified grimace that said: "not again!" He haven't looked at me yet but he knew I was there and in a compromising position with him. I saw a blush redden his face and if the whole situation weren't that miserable, I would have laughed at his confused expression.  
  
"Shindo" he said my name sighing like saying an apology.  
  
"It's OK," I told him against my conviction. He knew it was a lie and shook his head.  
  
"I acted selfishly and intolerable last night, I have to apologize. I didn't mean it…"  
  
This time it was him who told a lie. But it didn't matter anymore. "No, you did mean it, I am not stupid enough to believe you now saying the opposite." He couldn't say a word neither to protest against nor to confirm my statement. He was still confused.  
  
I observed him for a moment in a half-sitting pose then slowly reached with my fingers to touch his face. He twitched and looked at me with an alarmed look in his eyes. I grinned and slid my hand from his cheek touching the soft skin of his neck down to his back until it was placed into the position to become an embrace. I tightened it drawing him slowly closer till our chests touched and I felt his one arm clutching around my neck the other around my waist as he positioned himself to sit on my lap straddling me, and lowered his head to lay it on my shoulder. I held him tightly until I felt his shivering settle down and then I loosened my grip only to glide my hand up and down his spine in smooth caressing movements.  
  
We dwelled in silence for seconds but I didn't mind it at all. I liked him near me, the feel of his breathing on my neck and his arms so possessive clasped around my trunk. I knew that I was the only one to see that aspect of him, fragile, gentle, needing the proximity of another person just as much like anyone else.  
  
"I could try it, you know?" I said after some time my throat strangely dry. He lifted his head from my shoulder and looked into my eyes questioning. "…to love you." I finished my sentence. I saw him taking a deep breath to speak but I didn't want him to cut in. I wanted to tell him that I am serious about what I said. "I cannot promise you that it will be a success, but I want to try it for you and for me just as much. That's why from now on I consider myself as your date," I said smiling.  
  
He opened his mouth to say something, most likely to protest against my declaration but I wasn't going to let him. Not now. So I sealed his lips with mine holding his head with my other hand not allowing him to jerk away. After the first surprise he let himself go and I felt him kissing back; his mouth soft, sweet and pliable to my every attempt of deepening the kiss. I slid my fingers on the two sides of his face, holding his head, feeling the warmth there as his cheeks were surely flushed by now. It was really nice. I found it cute how shyly he accepted my lead parting his lips and probing if we could get more intimate. I don't think he had much practice in kissing, not with those bastards…  
  
I tried to push that thought out of my mind because it only made me mad. It wasn't hard to do that though; to lose myself in the gentle sensations of feeling him with every nerve in my body. I felt a shy flickering of a tongue against mine and couldn't suppress a smile. I parted myself from him only to allow him to take a breath then kissed him this time harder, lips fully open, tongues entwined in a swirling dance. Low-pitched moans erupted from his throat and I must admit that those and the wet sounds created by our lips had driven me fully aroused. I wanted to know how he feels, so I broke the kiss only to look in his eyes to see the effect our activity left on him.  
  
He looked dizzy, pupils wide, a soft pink coloring his cheeks, lips wet and swollen from the intensity of our kissing. If I didn't knew better I could have thought, that he never had experience in this kind of things. I don't know, I think I was surprised myself to find these sensations so unexpectedly satisfying. I wouldn't have thought that with a man… and it was only a kiss.  
  
He seemed to be taken aback just as much as I was, his breathing irregular, eyes half closed, not really seeing, fists clenched on my shoulders. I held him at his middle marveling at what I could feel under the cloth: invisible but nevertheless existent muscles harden and soften with his movements. He was definitely a man, his body looked frail but felt firm. And I thought that it had to be like this, because weakness didn't suit him at all. I was wondering why didn't I detect any of these features after all this time. I suppose I didn't really care to notice them.  
  
Slowly his eyes focused on me and I saw him regain his consciousness. I tried to show him confidence like I knew what I was doing but deep inside I was a little frightened. What if he didn't like my drastic move, what if he takes me for obtrusive? I didn't want to destroy our friendship, but I had to do this in order to prevent him from destroying himself.  
  
He was scared; I could see it in his eyes. I was about to question him, but I haven't calculated in the vehemence of his action. Without a word he tore out himself from my arms leaping from the bed, stopping only when his back met the other wall of my room; and threw scared glimpses in all directions like searching for an escape route. I narrowed my eyes trying to guess what he was up to. In the next moment he seemed to regain his composure and looked straight into my eyes with a glacial fury in his owns.  
  
"Where are my clothes?" he asked indifferently. I could tell he was definitely pissed now.  
  
"In the bathroom" I said too stunned to protest. "They were dirty, I put them into the laundry, it's best I give you some of mine…"  
  
"No need, they will be fine. It seems that dirt just fits my body well…"  
  
And before I could blink he slammed in the door of the bathroom from inside. A few minutes later he came out dressed in his ragged clothes. Next thing I heard was the front door flinging shut and then he was gone.  
  
I lifted my hand to my eyes sighing. So that was his answer. Just when I decided to give up my resolve and try to be there for him.  
  
...he was also leaving me behind...  
  
-end of chapter 2- 


	3. Who the hack is concerned!

--------------------------------  
  
Chapter 03  
  
Who the heck is concerned!  
  
by Stray  
  
12. 11. 2003  
  
rating: R  
  
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.  
  
Warnings: bad english, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi hints, pairing: HxA, IxW  
  
--------------------------------  
  
I haven't seen him for a week or so. That was disturbing. That wasn't like him at all - not attending his scheduled matches, I even heard complaints about him having cancelled his tutoring sessions. But that meant he did it on purpose, not because some unforeseeable accident hindered him at fulfilling his duties. I couldn't exactly figure why, but I certainly knew that his reason must have been our last conversation. Or something that had happened after that. But I couldn't care less anymore. 'He was the one, who left me there after all! And he didn't want to get involved with me, he made me understand that clearly enough. So why should I've been concerned about him?' I thought.  
  
I was greatly annoyed with his performance towards the matter. He didn't even call me!  
  
…He wasn't playing fair, dammit!  
  
But that was what he wanted, so I played his game and pretended not to care. I told myself that it didn't strike me at all! Who cares, he didn't give a damn about explaining me, just what had I done wrong to get him acting all insulted? Who needs him anyway? Annoying little prick! So why couldn't I get him out of my mind? The more I tried the more failing I was at the attempt. Wherever I was - whatever I did.  
  
"I resign." I sighed gloomily.  
  
"You know, you _are_ in a shitty mood these days Shindo!" Waya 6-dan replied as we started to collect the stones.  
  
"Leave me hung!" I grunted.  
  
"Your play wasn't this miserable since when you were… Actually I never witnessed you playing this pathetic!"  
  
"I said… " I lifted my annoyed gaze to his face.  
  
"GOSH! Your eyes _are_ creepy! Just how many nights in a row haven't you get proper sleep?"  
  
I didn't say anything besides an irritated "tsk".  
  
"Waya's right" I heard a soft voice and from below my half-shut lids I observed a pair of blue jeans-clad legs come to a stand next to our table. Now Isumi too…  
  
I swiftly tossed the last ones of my stones into their casket and stood. "Sorry, guys!" I said matter-of-factly, "I don't feel like discussing my affairs with you right now."  
  
"You don't have to," Waya shrugged mocking me. "But what about Touya's affairs?"  
  
I was about to leave turning my back to them when I heard that last question. I froze in that instant. Didn't feel like looking back at them, knowing what they would see on my face. Several minutes passed and I still wasn't moving. I heard footsteps nearing me and felt a hand on my waist that belonged to Waya.  
  
"Come then," Isumi said in a softly murmuring tone. "We owe you a dinner from last time. How about it now?" As Waya started to drag me along with him, Isumi calmly marching on my other side, I knew that he actually wasn't issuing a polite invitation, much more an indeclinable order uttered in a misleadingly subtle manner. When Isumi was displeased with something he could be more frightening than Waya; sometimes giving me goosebumps on my back.  
  
After a twenty-some-minutes-ride in Isumi's car in deadly silence and following the two into their apartment - giving me the dumb feeling of being a prisoner currently escorted by his guards to his execution - I didn't know what I was supposed to do being there.  
  
As I heard the door clicking closed I faced them and asked promptly: "How and what do you know about Touya?"  
  
Neither of them answered my question and it was infuriating. Sighing frustrated I followed their example at divesting myself from my jacket and shoes and stepping inside the living room. It felt odd, like I had been never there before - what wasn't the fact - I couldn't find my place.  
  
"Sit!" Isumi commanded gesturing towards the comfortable sofa in the middle of the room. I did what he sad without thinking about it, why I have to obey. "First we eat, then after we are all sated, we will discuss everything."  
  
'Gosh!' I thought, 'I cannot endure another hour or so of that creepy silence! I have to know now…!' But before I could say anything I saw Isumi fetching a pan from the fridge removing it's hermetic covering and putting it onto the cooker to heat up. It smelled tasty and I just realized that I was in fact hungry like I haven't eaten in days. Well, that wasn't far from reality - more or less...  
  
The food didn't take long to warm up and within minutes I found myself sitting at the kitchen table along with my two friends.  
  
"Itadakimasu."   
  
After that we ate up in silence; and I helped Waya with the dishes while Isumi prepared some tea in a pot and put in on a tray on the table in the living room along with three cups.  
  
As I felt the very moment nearing I wasn't that determined anymore to speak about Touya. But I wanted to know what they knew just as badly as I didn't want to tell them anything. At last I didn't have a choice but to sit down across their piercing looks on me.  
  
"So? We hear." Isumi pointed out, his calm voice unquestionably severe.  
  
"You first!" I demanded pale-faced. He observed me for a time then nodded and looked at Waya signalling him to speak. I also directed my gaze towards the other man impatiently as he begun his speech.  
  
"I met him yesterday," he said with a puzzled look on his face indicating his confusion about the whole matter. "He came here and requested from me to pass his message to you." His bewilderment was understandable, I thought, since he was the last person anyone expected Touya to entrust with something.  
  
"What message?" I barked in raspy tone. I flinched at the urging undertone in my voice I didn't realize was there until I saw the looks changing on their faces.  
  
"He told me to let you know that he was sorry and he wanted to thank you, but that you would better not meet him for a couple of days until your scheduled match together. He said, something, I didn't quite understand, that he wants to change or something… and than he gave me this letter to hand it over to you." With that he presented a piece of white paper to me carefully folded into an envelope-like shape, so that the content couldn't be seen without unfolding it.  
  
I didn't notice that my hands were shaking until I distended my arm to take the letter from my bewildered friend.  
  
"I don't quite understand…" he tried to press me to tell him what was that all about. "I suppose, this time you two got out really bad from it, ne? You two just cannot play a friendly game without arguing…" he was saying other things too, but I wasn't listening anymore, for I got the letter finally open and pried at the handwritten lines of neatly formed syllables.  
  
The letter read:  
  
  
  
Shindo,  
  
I don't really know, how to begin my letter.  
  
I must apologize for the inconvenience I caused you the other day, and the days before that. I was most grateful for your kindness, your patience and your understanding you always displayed to me. I know, I am not worthy of you or your friendship, knowing very well what I had done so far. So I would understand you not wanting to meddle with me ever again.  
  
Instead that - given your good nature - you even offered to help me out of this and you must know I appreciate that above all! And that's why I cannot accept it from you. I must overcome my weaknesses by myself; I don't want to drag you further into my affairs. You are so different from me, you are just too good-hearted and cannot see others suffering, so you would do anything to prevent that, I know. But I don't want to use you to solve my problems by creating you other ones. I intend to change myself, to be stronger and to deserve someone like you as my friend and rival. No, I wont try to persuade you anymore to be anything else…   
  
I need some time for thinking on my own, so I ask you to not seek my company until I seek yours. Next time we meet, I hope, I can be someone you won't be feeling pity for.  
  
Touya Akira  
  
  
  
I read it and read over again several times. So that was what he thought about me, about himself…  
  
I knew, he meant what he wrote. But I knew just as well, that he couldn't accomplish it. Because if he could, he have had done it already - at his previous attempts. It was just so hopeless! And I knew it would cause him more suffering for I couldn't be by his side since he didn't want me to. Damn him!  
  
"Shindo! You're frightening me!" Waya said tentatively. "Y'know you're actually crying?"  
  
I lifted my fingers to my face astonished to feel the wetness of tears. I wasn't looking at him nor at Isumi but somewhere in front of me with my gaze unfocused.  
  
"What did that bastard write?" Waya asked somehow infuriated. He was clearly blaming him like he blamed him and our friendship for years for all mishaps that occurred to me: he didn't like him after all.  
  
I handed him the letter without a word and was waiting for them to read.  
  
Of course Waya was the first to speak. "This time you have to had beaten him really hard! But I don't see the clue, why you react like that. He will eventually gather himself and hey! he didn't cancel your eternal rivalry either…"  
  
"Waya…" Isumi interfered softly. "I don't think, it is about Go anymore …"  
  
"What do you mean?" he asked bewildered. But Isumi wasn't answering him instead he directed his next question at me.  
  
"What did he mean by that:" and he begun to read from the paper, "'… I wont try to persuade you anymore to be anything else…' What is that 'else'?"  
  
I snapped out from my reverie instantly and flinched. I wasn't really hoping that phrase would somehow escape his attention. And I knew he was exactly aware of what that meant. He only wanted to hear it from my mouth. I turned my head to look at the wall refusing to give him that confession.  
  
"You can guess, I bet!"  
  
"Eh?" exclaimed Waya who only threw questioning looks at us, not understanding. Yet he seemed finally to catch up with Isumi. "You don't wanna say, that you and Touya are…" he faltered not really knowing how to express himself. "You two are… a couple?"  
  
Isumi sighed. "No, Waya, they aren't. And I think that is the core of the whole mess. Am I right?" Isumi looked at me questioning. I nodded firmly. "I suppose I am correct with the assumption that he wants to change that situation." I nodded once more. "And while you consider him as a friend, you cannot accept him to be your lover…"  
  
I wasn't reacting. Was that true? "No, it isn't that I could not accept him. Only… I don't think I would be able to feel the same way for him he feels for me."  
  
"I knew it!" Waya rolled his eyes. "I wouldn't have thought that the time would come when I say something to _his_ defence, but… you cannot see him as someone you could love, because, he is a man?"  
  
I shook my head. They cannot understand me, I thought, why should I bother to explain? But they were my friends, who had entrusted me with their own secret before, so I owned them at least that. And besides - I noticed - I needed badly someone who I could speak openly with about the things that disturbed me.  
  
"That shouldn't matter…" I said cautiously. "… the gender I mean… if you really love someone. But…" I sighed. How could I explain it without mentioning Sai? "I don't think I am capable of those kind of feelings. Not anymore…"  
  
"Eh? What do you mean by 'not capable'?" Waya gave me a perplexed look.  
  
"Isn't it the case that you are well capable, but you don't want to begin to feel anything for him?" Isumi contemplated. I shrugged that could be taken both as yes or no.  
  
"It is not because of him. It is because of me." I said finally.  
  
"Oh! Some big disappointment in the past?" Waya asked disregarding the weight of the question. I noticed then that there was something deeper behind his lightly joking manner. He wanted to deflect my thoughts from what he thought to be was unnecessary worrying. And I was thankful for it and found myself giving in to his attempts.  
  
I nodded curtly and instantly felt better. I didn't have to mention Sai for them to understand and it let the load off my mind.  
  
"I fear to lose him as a friend as well though if I don't try." I said then.  
  
"Then you shouldn't think about feelings too much! Just grab him and toss him onto the bed! He would feel better and you wouldn't have to worry! If you are _capable_ I mean…" Waya snickered. I was infuriated. Just because once in the past I turned down his offer for a three-some with him and Isumi - that besides I think Isumi wasn't _that_ happy about either - he thought I was lying before when I said that gender didn't matter to me!  
  
"HAH! We are a _waaay_ past that!" I roared completely forgetting the gloominess of the previous days and its cause for a moment.  
  
There was a thick silence following my announcement. And when I threw a glimpse at their shocked expressions I became conscious that they just realized what I was speaking about the whole time. And that I had actually admitted that Touya and I could be into each other. That we in fact _had_ been intimate with each other… Oh my! I've messed things up again! I don't think, Touya would prefer them - especially Waya - to know that he is indeed gay… but I didn't said he is, ne? I only said he wants me to… no that was Isumi who said that, not me.  
  
"You say, he actually succeeded at getting you laid?" Waya snorted and I think it gave him just one reason more to despise Touya.  
  
"Hmf! Maybe I was the one getting him laid!" I said shrugging. "I don't really remember 'cause we were both drunk that night. Only that I woke up the following morning in my bed next to him and we didn't have anything on…" I admitted.  
  
"Then you don't have any evidence that it really happened?" Waya asked curiously. I shrugged that he could take for an affirmation. I let him believe that. Though there were _quite some_ evidences on the bed sheets and on our bodies of what happened. Not only once… And I had to wear turtleneck for a week till the marks faded. And he was wearing long sleeves to conceal the huge blue fleck on his forearm that resembled a bite. Usually I wasn't that aggressive during sex, so I could have thought that he had it from someone else, but somehow it felt better to think that he had it from me.  
  
"So what are you going to do?" Isumi asked using the silence.  
  
I shrugged and felt my heart sink being reminded of the situation. But I couldn't escape from dealing with it.  
  
"I dunno." I said. "Suppose, I will do what he wants me to… wait till he comes to me."  
  
"And what then? What will be your answer?"  
  
"Depends on what he asks."  
  
"What if he asks you to leave him alone?"  
  
I did not reply. I just couldn't think of that to happen. Though it was a real alternative.  
  
I shook my head and got off the couch. I didn't realize how sore my muscles became though I could not be sitting that long.  
  
"I've got to go!" I said my gaze fixed on the floor. They showed me out of the door and I didn't even say farewell to them so absorbed I was with my thoughts.  
  
I don't remember much from the days that followed. I lived my life in a half-dreaming state that I was only snapped out from for the time of my tutoring sessions and games where I had to concentrate on Go. I noticed long before that Go was the only thing I could divert my thoughts on whenever I was in that kind of contemplating mood. Go always helped me somehow to feel better if only for a couple of hours. If not for anything else but for that I was grateful to Go. It gave my life a sense and I just loved to play, to merge in the simple world of black and white, clearly outlined shapes, no ambivalence and complications like in the real world. Or so I saw it whenever I had troubles with my own life. Either I could predict the hands of my opponent correctly or not, but there were no fatal consequences if I failed at some point. Go was a play of logic; there were no place for feelings in it, except when I played someone really strong. But strangely enough it didn't prevent me to connect the love I felt for Go with the one I had felt long before for Sai. I didn't know which one came from the other one, but Go always let me remember of Sai in a saddened but also contented manner. When I looked at the goban, every now and then I could see a long strain of fine, raven black hair floating upon it with the motion of its owner leaning above the table. Though in these days- with my thoughts on _him_, I had sometimes troubles to distinguish whose hair it was.  
  
Then one morning I woke up to the realization that the day of our game was right before me. I felt a strange energy rising in my chest compared to the fad mood of the previous week and I went about my morning routine refreshed if not renewed. I took a shower and eat breakfast - since days I had a real appetite. But I found my swirling thoughts not around the game but the person. I felt the doubts slipping into my heart and I tried to deflect that feeling into the anticipation for… what really? What should I feel anticipation for? "That's it!" I thought and let the anger taking over my mind for it was a lot better than the dismay that threatened to overwhelm.  
  
I finished my morning activities in record time and I left my apartment early. I wasn't that early in my whole life! It comes handy, I thought, for he had the custom to arrive earlier than necessarily so we had time to speak before the beginning of our match. I didn't know when I got up and down the train or where I went; I think it was the usual route I always took to the Go institute. I was thinking of him but my thoughts were not those with imprinted anxiety that became almost familiar in the past few days. Before my inner eye were displayed various pictures of him smiling - playing Go - concentrating - infuriated in the middle of our usual fights - and several of his other expressions at random occasions those took place in the past. That's why I found myself surprised at once standing before the entrance of the Go institute staring at my own image mirrored by the glass door.  
  
I pushed my way in and discovered that the institute was nearly empty at this time. Nearly, I said, because there was one person standing in the dim-lit corridor leading to the room where the tables were standing. I couldn't see clearly who it was, though the lean, graceful silhouette seemed disturbingly familiar but in some details alien at once. I begun to dash towards that figure and found myself out of breath standing before the person in just mere seconds. He turned and I saw piercing, midnight blue eyes staring at me with a questioning look. Recognition hit in an instant and I saw the eyes widen with unconcealed anxiousness. But I could not restrain myself from enveloping him into a tight hug as soon as I confirmed my suspicion of the identity of the person.  
  
"Touya!" I exclaimed still with him in my hold. Then I draw back just to an arms length to be able to observe him thoroughly once more. Then it hit me, like a sharp slap on my face. The unfamiliar feeling that caught me as I saw him but didn't reach my conscious yet was…  
  
"You let…" I gasped. "… cut your hair?!!!"  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Author's note: This chapter turned out a _bit_ longer so I had to slice it in two. The other half is up as well, so if you still like it, CONTINUE READING! Sorry, Isumi turned out really OOC. First he is the Sakurazukamori then Sherlock Holmes… ^_________^ But he is also matured and I just wondered what it takes to have someone like Waya and be able not to submit himself completely. But I like him like that. For the haircut do I have to explain myself? The thought got struck in my weird mind and didn't let me sleep if I don't write it. 


	4. Concerning us

--------------------------------  
  
Chapter 03 and 1/2  
  
Concerning us  
  
by Stray  
  
14. 11. 2003  
  
rating: R  
  
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.  
  
Warnings: bad english, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi hints, pairing: HxA, IxW  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Chapter 03 and 1/2  
  
Concerning us  
  
I stood mesmerized by his sight. He looked so… different! I couldn't decide if he looked younger or older than with his familiar, shoulder-length hair. He looked like another person I didn't know. My expression rendered him uncertain.  
  
"You don't like it?" he said barely audible.  
  
"Umm…" I didn't know what to say. "It's kinda drastic… I mean…" 'How in the hell did I end up with a completely pointless conversation about his hairdo when we had much more important matters to speak about!' I thought with frustration.  
  
"I know," he said finally. "That's why I did it. I wanted you to look at me as a different person. You read my message?" he asked suddenly. I nodded. "Then you know. I did really mean when I wrote I want to change. Not only physically, but it helps to make people conscious about it."  
  
"What people?" I asked with a hint of bewilderment and couldn't understand he actually believed that nonsense.  
  
"Mainly you and myself" he answered simply. "But on the other hand… it doesn't look that…" he sniffed lightly "…feminine…"  
  
I had to agree on that one. Now he differently looked more masculine - in his own, delicate ways.  
  
"Yeah!" I snorted smugly. "Your ears stick out!"  
  
"Shindo!" He covered the insulted body parts abruptly then a hint of red flushed his cheeks and he realized what he was doing so he forced his arms down to cross them before his chest. "They don't!" he growled.  
  
"Yes, they do!" I said with a half-faked cheerfulness, sorely tempted to play along with his act. 'And why not?' I thought somehow lightened. 'As long as he _is_ capable of maintaining his role as a 'changed persona', I should not discourage him with my doubts.' As I thought that, I felt a week sense of hope crawling into my mind that maybe this time he would actually succeed.  
  
After that we began to walk down the corridor into the main room. "So, you have changed?" I asked. "How exactly?"  
  
He paused his steps and I had to stop too. He looked at me hesitantly. "I don't want to speak about that topic yet…" I shrugged.  
  
"Okay. Then another time." I wanted him to know that he won't get away with that just by saying so. He nodded and I abandoned the subject.  
  
We were chatting about less important stuff, going trough some kifu recorded from games that were played in the previous week and arguing about possible solutions he and I would have used to win in the place of the loser. Like the other things were forgotten or never happened. But I was tolerating that because I didn't need to think about _him_ when we were playing our game.  
  
The Go institute was soon filled with people - other pros who had a game and staff personal arriving to their work. I threw a glimpse on the clock and was surprised to find that there were mere ten seconds before starting the match.  
  
"We should go." I suggested and Touya after looking at his watch confirmed.  
  
It was a game I was enjoying thoroughly. Maybe because the fact that we weren't playing each other for nearly a month before. He seemed to have improved his technique even in that little time, but I wasn't willing to take loss easily and managed to stay always close behind. Then at once I saw an opening in his defences that he perhaps considered insignificant because I had to risk a lot to seize that territory and he didn't anticipate me being so reckless. But I was going to lose otherwise, so I decided to take that chance and though I barely succeeded defending my shape, at the end I managed to get the upper hand by that.  
  
"You won by two and a half." he said after counting the stones still unbelieving that I had come through with that. "That was impressive!" he said with an amazed undertone in his calm voice. I could not help but flash a self-satisfied grin as he looked at me.  
  
"See, you should fear me more!" I joked.  
  
"Hmf! Go and write down your win!" he snorted.  
  
"How about lunch after that?"  
  
"You mean ramen? No thanks. I have matters to attend to anyway. See you later, Shindo!"  
  
He stood up and left. I stood stunned where I was and could only stare at his receding silhouette. Suddenly I found myself grinning silly. He really _had_ his ears sticking out a little…  
  
"Who was that?" I heard a tentatively inquiring voice from my other side. I put down the felt-pen and turned towards Waya.  
  
"Touya." I said trying not to laugh.  
  
"Eh?" he looked bewildered. "So that was what he meant by changing himself?" 'I hope not!' I thought but I didn't respond besides a shrug. "Have you won?" I asked. "Yeah"…  
  
Soon we were absorbed in a cheerful conversation - he didn't lose a word about the past week's events and I wasn't intended to do so either. We waited till Isumi ended his game and went together for lunch, and not for ramen to my utter disappointment.  
  
When I got home I found my mood abruptly dropping below the ground level. So, I met Touya today, and he seemed to be okay, but I wasn't really calm about his 'self-changing-act'. I mean he could be only pretending to have changed, because he knows I don't approve his 'night-life' and decided to hide it from me. That was not good! I had to have some proof of either one. But what could I do? I giggled at the thought of me waiting in dark alleys and shadowing his every move, like in a third-rate detective-novel. Though it wasn't a particularly joyful giggle.  
  
I was so in my thoughts, that I didn't notice when evening came. I was alarmed only by the grumbling in my stomach. When I looked at the clock it read eleven o'clock already. It was damn late! But I just couldn't calm down on Touya's matter. I decided to call him despite the time. I was crazy, I knew. I just lifted the receiver to my ear when I heard the entry phone ringing. I put it down and went to the door swearing but my curse died on my tongue as I heard the faint voice through the speaker.  
  
"Can I come up?" he said.  
  
I didn't answer only pressed the button to open the front door for him and waited with dry mouth for the elevator to arrive at the level. I felt the minutes pass with a snail's speed and found myself slowly suffocating by the breath I held back. Then he stepped out to the corridor and I didn't know if I should feel ease or be upset because he scared me.  
  
He walked towards me in his usual manner (no thorn clothes and bruises on his face, I gauged habitually) though his short hair seemed still a bit weird to me. I let him in and he followed toeing off his shoes and removing his coat.  
  
"What's up?" I asked trying to steady my voice.  
  
He frowned and gestured like he was ashamed of something. "I'm sorry for the trouble, but it seems that somehow I managed to forget paying my rents and I was evicted from my apartment. I wanted to ask you if I could sleep at your place tonight only…"  
  
I laughed with the stress easing down. "What a question! Of course you can. You freaked the shit out of me, you know…"  
  
Touya looked at me with a frown. "You weren't trusting me after all." he said with a small sigh. "I cannot blame you though…"  
  
I felt bad and I couldn't explain it to myself since I had all rights not to trust him. But nonetheless it felt kind like a betrayal on my side. After that we didn't speak about the _verboten_ topic. I cooked some instant food for the two of us since he also hadn't been eating since lunch. Then we went to sleep - he insisted to take the couch and I wasn't genuinely eager to convince him otherwise.  
  
Next day he went out looking for a new place but he couldn't find anything satisfactory. Each one was either too huge or too expensive, or too far away. He wanted to rent a hotel room but I persuaded him to stay till he had found one. So - I figured - I could at least keep an eye on him.  
  
The day after I helped him to bring some of his belongings to my apartment. The rest lay in neatly packed boxes in a storeroom of the Go salon that belonged his father once. Ichikawa-san was more than willing to help him.  
  
As the days passed we developed a delicate equilibrium of not mentioning things, and acting, as his feelings towards me were only that of a good friend's, nothing more. And I wasn't sure if it offended me in a manner or I felt lightened about it. I decided for both. But it began to disturb me because of the unreleased tension in our every move. Even at our nightly Go games. Nonetheless he seemed to cherish my company and I found an equally contented feeling in myself whenever he was near and we just performed our daily routine of life. After a time I could relax and I didn't thought about _those_ things, for he spent every night at home with me and didn't seem to feel any urge to do _that_ again. I arrogantly claimed the triumph as my influence at him.  
  
The winter approached and he had to take more of his warm clothing into my apartment but we found a place for everything for the space wasn't cramped and I didn't have too much furniture either. So at the end a couple of his drawers and a futon for him to sleep were also accommodated in there. He was still searching but I presumed he wasn't that determined to actually find another flat (we split the rent and running costs after the first week). I didn't mind; it suited me just well to have him with me. I found that I didn't really know him until that time but oddly enough he was a lot like I expected him to be in his private life. I don't know what kind of impressions he got from me in that aspect but as weeks then months passed we begun to adjust ourselves to the other's customs and preferences. Usually he was cooking since he _could_ and I slowly found myself paying attention to keep my things in a better order.  
  
At first no one knew that he lived at my place, so the first time was a big mess when Isumi and Waya came to pay me an unexpected visit and found Touya in my bathroom doing the laundry - 'cause it was his turn to do that. Of course they weren't holding back and were teasing me unendingly so that it was unpreventable for Touya to learn that they were well aware of his 'preferences' and some details of our connection. It took me a damn lot of time and my nerves to explain them the situation without insulting Touya who were of course present and within hearing range; and after that just as much to endure all the infuriated questions he was throwing at me inquiring just how much I had revealed them. Let's just say I barely came out of the situation without any of my bones broken.  
  
Then somehow the information slipped out into the Go world and we had countless interviewers to explain ourselves. Once I met Touya's dad accidentally but he didn't greet me just shot me a half-angry, half-disgusted glance and left. I saw a newspaper in his hand with Touya's picture on the first page. I couldn't wait for my session to end and ran out to buy that paper. There was an interview with Touya titled: "Big revealing!" I felt a lump in my stomach as I began to read it.  
  
…Reporter: "Is it true, that you live together with one of the other Go professionals, who you claim to label as your rival? He is Shindo Hikaru, the idol of many female and even male Go-fans in the whole country, ne?"  
  
Touya 9-dan: "Yes, we share an apartment."  
  
R: "Do you share a bedroom as well?"  
  
T: "… I don't see how that affects the main topic…"  
  
R: "So, do you?"  
  
T: /smiling/ "Openly speaking, if we both were into men, do you think, I could get my hold on someone, who is that much idolized by everyone? But he is my good friend and it isn't that uncommon for friends to share an apartment nowadays…"  
  
I was confused. He didn't tell me anything about this interview. Not that he was obliged to, but he usually did. And she was asking weird questions too. No, not weird, rather uncomfortable. Good that Touya could cut her down though his answer was a little ambiguous to my liking.  
  
Then spring came and we were still living together. I was accustomed to it after the winter passed. (We celebrated Christmas and New Year's Eve at my mom and dad's without any big parade just the four of us. We got my old room to sleep over, two separate futons, and they weren't asking questions. Not that anything happened anyway.)  
  
One day he came home with a slight smile on his face and when I inquired him of the cause, he simply told me that he had found a passable apartment and asked me if I wanted to see it. I agreed and we set the appointment at the afternoon of the next day after our matches. And I didn't understand myself for feeling a huge emptiness crawling into my inside at the thought of separating.  
  
At the arranged time we met in the subway and traveled together two stations. Then got out and took a walk of five minutes; after that we arrived at a huge apartment building. "It's on the thirteenth." He said and I was confused though I didn't believe in superstition since I was a kid and Sai assured me that there isn't any misfortune about the number 13. Well, he maybe just said it to calm me down on occasion, but I still believed him. At that time though it seemed he was wrong.  
  
When he opened the door with his _own_ keys, I knew that he would take it and leave me. ('Once more' I thought with a masochistic tendency taking over my mood.) I stepped inside and was astounded about the spacious interior that seemed big enough to accommodate a whole Go tournament. Well, maybe not quite, but it was definitely bigger than mine. One large living room, two smaller rooms, a big, American style kitchen, separate toilet and bathroom, a wardrobe room and washroom.  
  
"Didn't you say that you won't have a bigger one then mine?" I asked curiously.  
  
He shrugged. "Yes, but I saw this one and I liked it. Besides, I don't plan to move in alone…"  
  
That shocked me. He found someone without me knowing it? But how…? I couldn't say anything except gaping.  
  
He looked at me smiling warmly then took mercy on me. "How does it sound? Want to move in with me? Like we live now, only more comfortable."  
  
Suddenly as his words begun to get a sense within my confused mind I felt the emptiness slowly replaced with a feeling indescribable at that time. I nodded slowly and was rewarded with his widening smile.  
  
"I have one condition though!" I said knowing that it won't earn his appreciation. "We have something to talk about first." I didn't have to emphasize what I was speaking about. He nodded slowly, the smile disappeared, but he remained calm and I knew this time he would cooperate.  
  
"Let's go home first!" I said and he let out an affirming growl.  
  
We ordered take-out not wanting to waste time on cooking. We had dinner then did the dishes in silence only with the most needed exchange of words. After he didn't find anything to do - I let him occupy himself with minor activities, knowing that he needs some time to think and he will eventually come to me when he is ready - he sat down on the couch next to me. He was nervous I could tell that from his body language.  
  
He didn't speak a word on his own; he waited for me to ask first.  
  
"So, you really managed to change, after all I was wrong about you…" I started.  
  
"Not really" his voice was muffled. "I couldn't change my feelings towards you." He looked me in the eyes. "It is only fair for you to know, I don't want to lie to you, so I am sorry, but I cannot stop loving you." He sniffled a little uncomfortably. "In fact these nearly four months with you only increased it more. So I don't know if I would be able to continue without you anymore…"  
  
"That was honest… And for that I also have to tell you, that I consider you as my best friend and I really liked to be with you as friends. But love…"  
  
He shook his head. "You don't have to. I don't want something from you that you are not able or willing to give on your own. I understand that that time you only said… that you could try to love me back because you felt sorry for me."  
  
"Of course I felt that! Normally you feel sorry for someone in this situation, even more if you l… are friends with that someone." I stammered out. Somehow it didn't feel right to say that word: 'love' in this context. "But now I know that you are strong and I don't have to worry anymore about that you would… harm yourself. Do I?"  
  
He glanced at me steadily. "I don't intend to." He said finally. " I will try not to. Even if you don't want to stay with me, if you find someone to love…"  
  
'Most unlikely' I thought and maybe said it out loud because his gaze became puzzled. I shook my head. "Not important." I muttered half audibly. "But I want to know something I couldn't figure out since you left my apartment that morning so hurriedly. Mind if I ask you?" He didn't answer only stared at me in confusion. So I felt authorized to ask. "Why did you do that? I mean I offered you something, you wanted _that_ badly, and instead of accepting it or should I say after it seemed you were accepting it, you got mad at me and then you didn't speak with me for a week."  
  
"What do you want to know?" he paled noticeably.  
  
"Just what did you think by that? I mean, I'm sorry if I was too direct that time, it's just…"  
  
"I hurt you, didn't I?" He shook his head and I noticed tears in the corners of his eyes. "Whatever I tried, I always ended up hurting you; making you hate me the more," he said.  
  
I took a deep breath but wasn't able to say anything not insulting "Baka!" I exclaimed after a minute silence. "Why do you think I hated you? I never have…"  
  
"However, I just couldn't let _that_ happen. I know my body is dirty. I didn't want you to become like me, despicable, stained… All because of me…"  
  
He was sobbing miserably and couldn't hold back his tears any longer. I shifted myself to sit next to him and embraced his shoulders trying to comfort him. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know he had such ideas about himself and suspected the hand of his father in it. "Don't you think, I can decide what I want to become? But that aside, I don't think you're dirty. In fact, you were always too… pure for the dirty things you were confronted with. You have to accept what you are because you cannot change that you are attracted to men instead of women. And only a few narrow-minded people would despise you because of that. Unfortunately your father is one of them, but it doesn't necessarily mean that all people are the same."  
  
"But… but I dirtied myself even more. I let strangers use me like I used them to be able to feel something akin love. But it wasn't love and I knew that. That's why I am dirty."  
  
I felt anger rising in my chest. "No, you feel dirty because you want to pity yourself. But it doesn't lead anywhere. Don't you see? That isn't a way to go!"  
  
He tensed. His sobs abruptly stopped and I sensed his fury building up in him. "What do you know?!" He jerked out of my grip and stood before me. I saw his body trembling with tension. "How could you understand? You never have been rejected by anyone! You weren't living your life knowing that you could be happy with that someone if things were just a little bit different! You weren't ever contemplating on throwing away anything for that matter! No, you don't have any right to lecture me!"  
  
At the end he yelled, tears dampened his cheeks and I knew I hit the wrong button. Even so, he had to be confronted with that and better he hears it from me as from someone else. I knew he didn't thought thru his words but they hurt me nonetheless. I should have been stopped him but I was engrossed with that, so I didn't. I only observed him getting his shoes and his jacket and wasn't willing to hold him back.  
  
"Fine, go!" I shouted after he left and I knew he could hear it. Then I went to the door he left open and closed it.  
  
I sit on my couch for an eternity, contemplating. I didn't know what I should do. The feelings of hurt didn't last long after my rational part of mind convinced me that he didn't know what he was speaking about and that he only said it because he was upset and angry and he didn't want to hurt me deliberately.  
  
There I sat for hours already, then I begun to worry about him. What he would feel like? What he would do like in this confused state of mind? I hoped he wouldn't resort to the first stranger he saw in an alley for some comfort. No, I had to trust him, I told so to myself. But he was awful late and I didn't know where he could go for the night. I pondered about calling Waya and Isumi if not for anything else but a friendly, encouraging discussion.  
  
Just in that moment the phone rang and I ran to pick it up. It was him. From the noises of cars and crowd I presumed that he was calling from a public phone booth somewhere in the city.  
  
"I am sorry…" he said and sounded so. "You were right and I was selfish again. Can I come home?"  
  
"You better hurry! I worried out my mind!" I heard myself saying and I couldn't suppress a sigh of subsiding tension.  
  
"I will be there in half an hour or so. It's late. You don't have to wait for me."  
  
"But I want to. So don't you go wandering!"  
  
He laughed softly and promised not to. We didn't speak more.  
  
I waited. The half hour passed. Then another twenty minutes. Then I was waiting for an hour and he still was nowhere. I was pacing to and fro in my living room and didn't dare to think about the cause of him being late. I picked up the receiver and dialed his cell-phone number, immediately I heard the ringing tone from his briefcase. I cursed.  
  
Then my own cell-pone rang and when I picked up, I heard a neat, female voice inquiring my name. When I identified myself as Shindo Hikaru she formally told me that a man with the documents of Touya Akira has been delivered into ##### Hospital and I was the person to inform given on his insurance card.  
  
To be continued soon…  
  
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Author's note: About the other half of the chapter: sorry again, that I left it there but now I have approximately outlined ideas for the next chapters. I think there will be two and maybe an epilogue. But if you have some too, they are welcomed. I would also appreciate some grammar correction 'cause at some parts I am not certain I wrote it correctly. If you don't understand something LET ME KNOW! This is only the alpha version anyway.  
  
The ##### Hospital is a random place, it has no further importance, so you can replace the name with what you would like. The cause I didn't is that I don't know Japan at all. So I also don't know if people there carry identification documents with them and if yes then what kind. Also, I suck when it comes to Go. It isn't a game widely known in my country. Last time I downloaded a tutoring program but it's Dutch and I don't speak Dutch either, so I cannot read the tutoring part. ^_^' 


	5. Concerning them

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Chapter 04  
  
Concerning them (part I.)  
  
by Stray  
  
21. 11. 2003  
  
rating: R  
  
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.  
  
Warnings: bad English, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi hints, pairing: HxA, IxW  
  
--------------------------------  
  
It was already past midnight when I arrived at the Hospital. Isumi drove me there and he offered to accompany me after we arrived. I took his offer without thinking and we went in. The nurses directed us to the 4th floor - 'Intensive Care' - it read. I couldn't wait to learn what his condition was and what happened to him. I nearly yelled at the nurse who wanted to know who I am and how she could give out information to me when I'm not a family member. I told her about the phone call I received but she couldn't find the hospital documents and I felt my mind blow up if it continues. Finally Isumi was kind to take over for me and partly with his charm partly because when the nurse also calmed down she found the papers, she was ready to tell me what I wanted to know.  
  
Touya was transported into the hospital about an hour ago when someone found him lying unconscious in on the street. That someone called the police and the ambulance since he seemed to be the victim of an attempted murder. Thank God, he was living and didn't get a knife in his innards, but a nasty hit on his scalp that bleed strongly and relieved him from his consciousness. He still wasn't up but the doctors said he is not going to wake up till next day. And there was another thing she told us: he was raped by several men.  
  
I felt my heart sink at that sentence. Was he, or…? But when he intended to do that, why had he called me before and why did he say he would be home soon? Maybe he wasn't the most immaculate man in the world but he was no liar. He didn't lie to me once after he confessed me his feelings. And before that he lied to me only to conceal that. But I couldn't help it; the thought that captured my mind and a little voice in my head continuously told me that I was deceived and he did that purposely.  
  
I was greatly confused; I felt lightheaded like I was tipsy and I didn't recognize the man suddenly stepping out from one of the doctor's rooms and pointing with his finger on me. "That is the man I had spoken about!" He said and I saw two policemen appear behind him. They were swiftly on my two sides grabbing my arms and telling me: "Shindo Hikaru-san? You are arrested." My bewildered eyes flitted from the two at the man condemning me and that was the moment I recognized him. There stood in his usual traditional robes Touya Koyo, the father of Touya Akira.  
  
"What…?" I wanted to ask what I was accused to have committed but they didn't let me. "We have to take you in custody till the required investigations are complete. Or should I say, examinations." They weren't soft on me, and I saw from his glances and the way they treated me, that I was already guilty in their eyes. Isumi tried to stay by my side but they wouldn't let him. He was rudely dismissed and I was taken into a private hospital room where we waited for something. Meanwhile I tried to ask questions about the nature of the examination and my assumed crime, but they only laughed at me and refused to tell a word.  
  
After what it seemed an eternity a nurse came into the room with a pair of sterile rubber gloves and a glass on a tray. She was middle-aged and didn't seem that judging like the cops. On her face was a mask of indifference that screamed firmly that she only did her job, not more and not less. She handed the glass to me and I recognized it as the container for urine specimen. I held it up to my eyes confused and then asked her "You want my urine in it?"  
  
She frowned apparently at my not knowing anything, looked at the two officers then back at me. "No, we need your semen." she said plainly. My eyes must have gone wide but she pretended not to notice. I think she had to act indifferent if she wanted to keep her professionalism, so I wasn't blaming her. The two cops were on a completely different topic. They seemed to enjoy the situation greatly.  
  
"You mean here and now?" I asked not wanting to believe what I heard. But it seemed unlikely that they would let a person under custody have his private moments for that kind of thing. She nodded and the officers snickered at my question. At that suddenly my confusion was replaced with anger. I wasn't going to let them watch. Not to mention, I wasn't confident if I could… achieve anything under that kind of circumstances.  
  
My blurry perception took in the image or her putting on the prepared gloves and then she said, "Please, push down your trousers and turn your back to me, sir!" I was so confused, I obeyed her unconsciously and I was going to ask the purpose, but she hadn't left me the chance for that. "Now hold the container before your penis!" she commanded and I barely had the time to do so before I felt two rubber-clad fingers diving into my rectum and a sharp pain-pleasure as my prostate was suddenly pressed by them. I let out a cry and came instantly.[1] Before the amused eyes of the policemen.  
  
She removed her fingers, but after the climax settled, the short-lived pleasure was gone and only pain remained. I managed to put the now-filled container on the little cabinet next to me before I felt my sight blur, my head go all dizzy, and nearly collapsed onto the floor of the hospital room.  
  
For a moment she discarded the mask of professionalism and looked at me concerned as she helped me up to my shaking feet then guided me to sit onto the hospital bed. "I'm sorry," she said a little puzzled. "but they said, you are… accustomed to this, and I presumed, it would be less inconvenient for you if I did it quick…" So she wanted to say, she thought, I was gay and had experience with fingers and other things impaling my butt. I forced a weak smile on my face and said, "It's okay, it had to be, ne?" I don't know whom actually I wanted to calm with that.  
  
She nodded than left swiftly with the little container in her hand. So I was alone again with the two cops, who were eyeing me warily. I didn't want to look weak so I proceeded to stand up and pull up my pants. Then I sat back on the bed but couldn't suppress a little wince as the pain came back full force for a moment. I wondered idly, how Touya was able to deal with that amount of pain - and he had to on more occasions as I remembered. Why would anyone let that happen to him? I couldn't deny that the orgasm was overwhelming, but the other things didn't appeal to me at all to think I want to experience it once more.  
  
"What now?" I asked after I had found my voice. "We wait till the results are up." the one cop said. They sad down on the two chairs next to the wall so I felt enabled to occupy the bed. First I sat then after half an hour of awkward squirming, trying to avoid the stinging pain in my lower parts, I decided that I don't care; I removed my shoes and lay down. After what seemed hours of idle waiting and listening to the murmuring of the two men I slowly drifted into a restless sleep on the bed.  
  
When I woke up the next morning, my head felt much cooler and I proceeded to some thinking. I suspected Touya's dad charged me with something and when I interpreted the situation correctly, I was accused of the rape. But why? He had to know that I couldn't be the one who raped his son. And he certainly knew it. But he assumed - I concluded unbelievingly - that Touya and I were bed partners, and that they undoubtedly would find my semen in his entrails. I didn't think him to be capable of that!  
  
When my semen would be found in Akira's bowels, it would be enough to prove me guilty because I didn't have an alibi. I was at home, alone at that time, waiting for him to come. It could have turned out very bad for me, I realized. But if he hadn't succeeded in convicting me for rape, my reputation as a professional Go player and a righteous member of society would have suffered greatly, supposedly breaking my career in two leaving me there accused and suspicious.  
  
And what of Touya? I doubted that he wanted to forgive him after he succeeded in parting us and welcome him back into the family. I couldn't predict his intentions. Perhaps, he only wanted to force Akira to leave me. But the nurse said, he had been raped by _several_ men. If he charged them too and the police found them, and they turned out to be the same ones he used to _meet_ previously in the dark alleys, and they told the police about that too… (And why wouldn't they? It would indicate, that Akira was at least partially willing so that the rape wasn't actually a rape.) They could easily find other participants of his former escapades to bear a testimony to that. That would mean the end of Touya Akira. His father possibly had enough influence to have been informed about the transportation of his son into the hospital before I could get here, but he certainly didn't have enough power to conceal something like that. Presumed, if he even wanted to. Maybe his goal was to wreck the life of his own son too.  
  
Now I knew, I'm going to be free soon, since they wouldn't find any evidence to accuse me further in the matter of the rape. So I will have a word in the investigations too. Maybe I could also speak to Touya's dad and clear up the situation to some point. But the most I wanted to see Touya. I wanted to ask his forgiveness for my harsh words and that I didn't stop him when I had a chance. I was the cause of his distress and also it's results. I felt ashamed of myself. What kind of friend I thought I was?  
  
I didn't even notice that during the night the officers of yesterday were replaced with other two. Only when a new one came in and informed my guards that they can let me free now, I became aware of it.  
  
I sprung up from the bed (thank God, the pain was entirely gone when I woke up that morning) and was next to the door in a second surprising all three of them. "Can I see him now?" I asked the cop in the door and he nodded slowly, like he was not entirely certain of that. But I didn't care anymore, I already dashed on the corridor towards the hospital room I remembered to be his, but before I went in I asked a nurse if he was still there. I was confirmed and with that I didn't wait any longer.  
  
When I opened the door I was startled seeing Isumi sitting in an armchair next to the back wall. He was sleeping. I presumed he spent the entire night there probably aware of my situation. It occurred to me, that I didn't see any member of Touya's family in the hospital, so I couldn't speak with his dad, but it didn't concern me anymore. He was there, lying beneath the white sheets, face pale, lips dried out and eyes shut.  
  
I proceeded to his bed carefully, not to make a noise to wake him or Isumi up and sat on a stool standing next to his bed. I slowly let down my hand to hold his own. After an hour Isumi opened his eyes and noticed me sitting there.  
  
"Good morning!" he said silently. "You were released?" I nodded my stare not leaving Touya's features. He didn't ask questions.  
  
"Thank you!" I said, "For being here, I mean." He smiled faintly and then came to stand next to me. He placed a hand at my shoulder. "You must be hungry, I will bring you some dinner."  
  
I looked at him confused. "What time is it?" I really was hungry.  
  
"Half past twelve." he said looking at his watch.  
  
"Didn't they say he would be up in the morning?" I asked confused.  
  
He didn't answer for a moment. Then sighed.  
  
"I will also find the doctor and send him in," he told me and then left.  
  
I waited at his bed not moving till the said doctor came in to inform me about Touya's condition. He told me, that his lacerations were healing but the hit on his head was a more critical one. He told me that when he won't wake up soon, he could drift into coma and maybe don't wake up at all. But if he does wake up, there was another 'problem' he said. One of the semen found in his bowels contained the hepatitis virus and most likely he would be also infected with it.  
  
----------------  
  
Akira found himself in a large grove, surrounded with various kinds of trees, all in autumn colors. Leaves were falling in a constant stream, but the trees didn't seem to lose their foliage and the ground was fresh with the newly fallen leaves fully covering the parched grass beneath. The sky was clear despite the heavy clouds forming on the east horizon and the sun shone with a mild constant.  
  
Somehow he knew that the place wasn't real. In the meaning of 'material', because it existed undoubtedly. Though his only proof was a faint feeling and that he was right there.  
  
He looked around and spotted a figure sitting on his knees under a large chestnut tree. He or she sat with his (her?) back to him and was occupied with something he couldn't see because he/she shielded it with his/her body. The person wore a white silk robe and loose pants, that looked very old in style, complete with a black peaked hat. His/her long, black hair fell over his thin shoulders and spread on his back.  
  
He took a few steps curious about the identity of the person, but as he got around and took a peek at the face he found that he didn't know him. It was clear now that the person was a male, he didn't have breasts and somehow Akira knew it was a man. His face was young, skin flawless and he looked a little feminine with the shaped eyebrows and mauve-colored lips. Now Akira could see that he was sitting next to a Go-ban. The board was clear, no stones placed yet, and the containers neatly standing on the two sides. Like he had waited for someone to come and play with him.  
  
His assumption was confirmed as the young man motioned with his fan to him to sit down and take the Go-ke. He obeyed curiously and found that there were black stones in it.  
  
"Please!" the man said, his gentle voice resonating languidly in the autumn air.  
  
He felt an expectation rising up and felt tension oscillate between him and the other. He placed his stone determined to give his best in this game that - he somehow felt - was a great opportunity for him. Something, he was unconsciously waiting for since a long, long time. He thought about every hand and gauged the opportunities and dangers. He felt he didn't play nearly that concentrated in his whole life and felt ultimate perfection slowly crawl closer to him.  
  
He felt like lifting a hand, he could touch it. Lifting his gaze, he could glimpse it…  
  
Yet he was utterly defeated.  
  
Though he was right with his feeling.  
  
The perfection was there.  
  
It radiated from the man facing him. It was there in every one of his hands, his every move. Once, he had met it, even if it wasn't that evident like this time. He did recognize it.  
  
"I have nothing…" he said.  
  
"Thank you," the answer sounded.  
  
"I'm the one who has to thank." He said politely.  
  
The longhaired man only smiled brightly. "No, I wanted to learn how far you had improved in your play, since last time."  
  
Akira didn't pretend not to know what he was speaking about. He knew and it was utterly all right to know that.  
  
"Who are you?" he asked though he assumed, he knew the answer already.  
  
"I am Fujiwara no Sai. I lived in the Heian-era as one of the emperors Go-teacher. But I was betrayed and deprived of my position, my honor and I was deprived of the chance to play Go. So I drowned myself and ended up as a ghost seeking the opportunity to play Go and achieve the Hand of God."  
  
Akira nodded. This was a very short version of a long tale that parallel with the flow of the words unraveled itself in his mind. He knew every detail he always wanted to know about his rival - or his rivals, like he realized. The first was this man - or ghost - Fujiwarano Sai. The second and eternal rival of him was Shindo Hikaru who achieved to catch up with him in that short time.  
  
"Yes." Sai said with a nod. "But it isn't the real purpose of your being here."  
  
Now Akira was surprised. He looked confused at the man. "What is the purpose then?"  
  
The ghost smiled and lifted a hand to gesture against the empty air beside him. And the air wasn't empty anymore; it filled with an image of a little hospital room. Akira recognized himself laying on the bed and another man with dual colored hair sitting next to him.  
  
Shindo! His heart heaved.  
  
He looked tired, very tired. But he didn't let go of the pale hand of the one lying amongst the sheets. He slowly bound his head down next to him and rested his temple on his knees. Akira saw the spasms rocking his back and he knew, the man was crying.  
  
"You see him?" Sai asked suddenly. Akira looked at him with tears in the corners of his eyes.  
  
"Yes, I do. …you don't…?"  
  
The man shook his head. "I cannot see him anymore. I left him, though it wasn't my doing entirely, I made a mistake and I cannot come back to correct it. I knew he loved me back then, but I didn't want to know. I pretended not to notice. I said to myself, that I was interested only in Go and the Hand of God. On the other hand, he was my friend and I knew I would be gone someday. And I wasn't someone, he could rely on, he could be with. I wasn't supposed to be the one he loved. So I thought if I didn't return his feelings, his emotion would calm down and be once again, what it was destined to be: simple friendship. But I didn't say him I would leave soon when I felt the time nearing. I didn't know how I was supposed to tell him, but it doesn't relieve me of my guilt. I should have found a way. Any way. It would have been much more considerate of me. Though I cannot see him, I feel him sometimes, and I know, how hurt he was… he is. He doesn't want to give himself up to a feeling of love anymore fearing the disappointment. And it's my fault."  
  
He went silent. Akira waited for him to continue, but he didn't and in the silence his words found their meaning and Akira slowly understood what he wanted to tell him.  
  
"You say he will never love me back?"  
  
"No, that wasn't I wanted to say. In fact, he does love you already. Though he would admit it neither to you nor to himself. He wants to protect his heart from another breaking. You have to be patient and go slowly with him. Prove yourself worthy of his love and more importantly, his trust. You mustn't shrink back when he says he doesn't feel like that for you. You have to hear his true words with your heart, not with your ears.[2]"  
  
"Yes, I understand." Akira nodded. "Thank you for your advice and thank you for the game. I will forever remember that."  
  
Sai smiled sadly. "I doubt that. I don't think you will remember a word from what I said nor the fact we played. Your conscious mind won't remember a thing when you wake up, _they_ will ensure it. But your unconscious will. And you will do right."  
  
Akira was sad hearing that, but he understood that he couldn't prevent that to happen.  
  
"So, I will wake up soon."  
  
"Good. Don't let him worry needlessly."  
  
Akira felt himself drifting away from the clearing and the autumn trees. He saw the man - Sai - smiling at him and then another man appeared at his back and put his hands on Sai's shoulders. He saw the ghost's lips move forming the word 'Torajiro' or what seemed like that to him. The other man sat down where Akira sat a little while ago and took the Go-ke with the black stones in his hand…  
  
----------------------  
  
I spent the day and the following night at his bedside. I know I felt like the world was going to fall apart. My only wish was that he would wake up, then all would be good. I thought about the other things the doctor said, and his father's intentions and how far the police progressed in its investigation (I could have inquired about it, but I didn't feel like stand up an leave Touya's side). One time Waya came in with food and told me that the police didn't find anything yet. After he left, I remember that I cried and then I must have been dozed off somehow.  
  
I woke up of the feeling of light pressure on my hand. I opened my eyes and saw him looking at me warily. I knew how I had to look like, I felt the warmth of my skin - probably a light temperature - and felt the stains of dried tears on my cheeks. But it didn't matter now.  
  
"You scared me!" I muttered roughly. My mouth was all dry. And I didn't want to say that. Though lately that sentence seemed to come up in our conversation more frequently than I wanted to.  
  
"I'm sorry, I ran away…" he looked down.  
  
"No, you don't have to. I was the bad one."  
  
"And now my body has become more stained…"  
  
"Not your fault!" I squeezed his hand I still held. I wasn't going to tell him that in the beginning I doubted him. I didn't want to tell him about the virus either. Nor about what his father did to me.  
  
He shook his head. "It seems, that I cannot escape my past."  
  
"But they knocked you down… That says to me that you tried." I said pale-faced.  
  
He shrugged. "But I didn't succeed. I begged them but they wouldn't let me go. Not until they got what they wanted…"  
  
"You knew them?" I wasn't surprised when he nodded. "The police is seeking them currently. If you want…" I wasn't sure, what he would say.  
  
"No, I want to forget it. I will let the charge fall."  
  
"I find it's wiser too." I stood up. "I call the doctor," I said.  
  
Suddenly his hands clutched on my sleeve, as I was about to turn away.  
  
"No! Don't leave me alone!" he looked at me with wide eyes. I hesitated. But I didn't want to leave him as well. He pulled on me abruptly when he thought I want to go away, I lost my balance and ended up sitting nearly on his lap. When I was there for him to reach, he clasped his arms around my torso in a tight embrace my own arms pinched by them to my body.  
  
"Please! I know, that I didn't fulfill your condition, but I cannot endure it without you! Please! Promise me that you won't leave me! I don't care if you don't love me back. Just please, stay with me…" it was a plea, I haven't imagined ever hearing from him. Maybe the aftermath of the hit on his head I tried to explain myself, but deep inside I knew that it was much more to that.  
  
"I won't leave you, I promise, as long as you want to have me by your side…" I said trying to calm him. "But please, let go of me now! If someone comes in and sees…"  
  
"I don't care." He cut me off. Now I knew I couldn't speak with him reasonably as long he was in distress. I had to soothe him. So I didn't fight against him anymore instead I twisted my body to face him and lifted my arms into a similar hug. He loosened a bit but only to be able to catch me in a more comfortable position and then resumed the firm hold on me. Strangely enough I didn't mind it. Since in the last hours no one came in, I thought it would be safe for a little while to stay like that and enjoy the comforting feeling.  
  
I felt something wet on my shirt and couldn't suppress the unconscious move of my hand slipping under his chin and lifting it so that I would be able to see his face. I guessed correctly the source of the wetness; he was sobbing and trying to conceal the dampness soaking his long lashes. My index finger traveled up to wipe away the offending tears from his reddened cheeks. I wanted to tell him not to cry, but my words struck on my throat at the glance of his eyes. I moved purely on instinct when I hovered myself closer till my lips touched his salty, tear-drenched ones.  
  
I felt him moving closer too and pressing himself more tightly to my body. His lips moved in a slow, tentative but somehow sensuous manner and I followed his pace naturally. In a strangely divided perception while I drowned in the sensation of him being so near but at the same time I felt my rational mind caution me about the madness of the situation.   
  
'I shouldn't do that!' the little voice screamed in my head. I only wanted to comfort him and maybe a little myself too. But I went too far! The thoughts whirled in my head like a tornado. 'What am I thinking by this? Kissing him in a hospital room where he just woke up from a near-coma-like state… it's not fair to use his condition to take advantage on him. And also, what would he think of me after that? He would believe that we have something where we don't! I must stop this insanity! Someone could come in any second. And I barely escaped the charge of Touya's father...'  
  
At that I suddenly sobered and managed to recoil. I pulled his head to my chest; slowly caressing the tousled bangs till his breathing - and mine too - slowed down to a normal rhythm.  
  
"I'm sorry…" I uttered in a raspy tone, "I didn't mean that…"  
  
"It's okay," sounded his muffled voice since his head was still buried in the crook of my neck. I felt his warm breath on the skin and it caused me to shiver lightly. "I know how you feel. I said, I'm content with you just being my friend."  
  
He lifted his face and looked up at me with an expression of sadness and contentment mingled into a strange combination, his lips curved into a trembling smile.  
  
"And you just promised me that you won't ever leave me. Does that mean that you will stay being my friend forever?"  
  
I slowly nodded and stood up slipping past his loosened grip. This time he didn't try to hold me back. He closed his eyes as he sank back into his pillows. But the peaceful curve didn't leave the corner of his mouth even when he heard me opening the door and stepping out onto the hospital corridor.  
  
---------------------------------  
  
Author's note: in this chapter I wanted to write about how the relationships between Akira and his family - Hikaru and his friends - and the two of them and the world outside develop slowly with the time passing, (that's what the title suggests) but I ended up writing this. Not quite what I imagined. (First I wanted to put a light lemon part into it but it simply didn't fit together with the storyline.) So this chapter won't live up to the title, furthermore it's another two-part-chapter split in two in the middle (though I don't know how long the other half will be). Since now I am settled to the routine to log on to the Net once a week, I figured, it would be cruel to MY readers (! ^__^ yay! I have some!) if I waited with the uploading till the next part is ready. So it's up now and the other half will be preferably next week. Though I don't yet know what exactly will happen in it. I hope it will be worth waiting for!  
  
Another notes to the signed parts:  
  
[1] I'm not a medic. It was in an American-pie-like movie I saw once and I don't know the English title. But you can guess I think.  
  
[2] Like Little Prince? 


	6. Concerning them part II

--------------------------------  
  
Chapter 04  
  
Concerning them (the promised part II.)  
  
by Stray  
  
21. 11. 2003  
  
rating: R  
  
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.  
  
Warnings: bad English, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi hints, pairing: HxA, IxW  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Another WARNING: contains errors since I just finished it and didn't have the time to reread and correct it!   
  
---------------------------  
  
After he woke up Touya had to remain for five more days in the hospital. He was questioned by the police (the same two officers who took me in custody) and gave them his statement about the incident. He also told them he didn't want to denounce his attackers and wants to put the matter to rest. They seemed to show more sympathy towards him like I thought they would and didn't force him. They understood he isn't particularly determined to let the wide public know about that embarrassing incident. They also seemed to feel a bit ashamed of their former attitude towards me and were careful to be very polite with their words when they were about to question me.  
  
Thank God, the reporters haven't got any hint of the occurrence and there weren't any in the hospital inquiring me or Touya or the personal. The only mention of it appeared in Go Weekly and it contained a three-line summary about him gotten hit and currently recuperating in hospital but nothing about rape or which hospital he was in. After five days his condition got better and the doctors considered him able to leave the ward. He still had to go into the Hospital for vaccination against the virus every second day. They said he was lucky to have had his infection discovered in time so the virus couldn't multiply in his organism to aggravate the illness. And that it was the less dangerous type of hepatitis.  
  
I had a busy schedule for those weeks, I was rarely at home though I wished it wouldn't be like that. He insisted on that he doesn't need me baby-sitting him by forfeiting my matches and abandoning my tutoring. His owns were rescheduled after I've informed the institute of the 'accident' he was in, but he also could busy himself with arranging the moving since I agreed on it and - like mentioned before - he had to go to the hospital every now and then. Now it wasn't strange that he had no wish to go out alone to the streets after the sun has fallen, so I asked Isumi at times he had to, to accompany him. And he did. Surprisingly Waya also offered his help though he couldn't stand Touya's guts. Seemed like the situation had changed somehow for he hadn't shown hostality towards him anymore. He even told him about the incident that I was in after arriving in the hospital on that fateful night - all thanks to his father. Of course Touya was mad at me because I haven't told him myself, but he seemed to accept the explanation about how I feared his reaction because it was his father who did that.  
  
On our last night in my old apartment I arrived home late like usually. I found him still awake and waiting for me with diner. He even cooked ramen though I knew he didn't like it particularly. I smiled hungrily 'cause I've thought I would have to eat sandwiches again and it was a pleasant surprise to discover that I am going to have a warm meal and my favorite food to boot. I washed my hands in haste (for I didn't want him to tell me off because of table manners again) and proceeded to sit down on the other side of the table facing him, grinning at his seemingly disapproving grimace when I put a mountain of pasta on my plate. He always told me that I exaggerate with my love for ramen and I eat too much against what should be healthy and reasonable. However, he also always cooked an extra amount for me alone.  
  
We ate up in silence (only the occasionally slurping was audible). When my plate was clean again, I leant back and patted my full stomach with a satisfied grunt. "Thank you for the meal!" I said and closing my lids because of the tiredness suddenly overwhelming me. I heard him stand up and rattle with the dishes. I opened my eyes and put my hand on his forearm reaching for my plate to stop his movement.  
  
"Leave it there, I will do it later!" I said.  
  
He slowly shook his head. "We are moving tomorrow, the dishes must have been dried and packed when the transport arrives, so it must be done now."  
  
"Wrong! The truck won't be here until ten, so we will have plenty of time for that. Now I feel, we have to do more important things."  
  
"What's more important?" he asked bemused, but his hand didn't stop. I've got the feeling, he clutched the plate to himself because he wanted to free his arm from my touch. But he was nervous, the clattering of the china in his hands gave him away.  
  
I tried to smile at him to get him relaxed. I didn't intend to scold him or something the sort. "What's the cause you cooked ramen for me? I know you wanted for me to be happy when you have to say or do something that would make me sad…" '… you're just like a wife in that manner,' I thought remembering my mom often doing the same with my dad thinking he hadn't already figured her out. I was grinning even more and that got him more confused. But I got him to put down the dishes and turn his attention to me.  
  
We walked into the bedroom and sat down on the futons that were laid down for the night for my bed and the other pieces of our furniture were neatly packed and shoved together in the middle of the living room. It was the first night after he moved in there that we were going to sleep in the same room. And I couldn't help to prevent old memories to arise in my head at the thought of sleeping with him once again, though not under the same blanket.  
  
"I'm listening," I said leaning back on my futon, my arms folded under my head and my eyes staring at the ceiling. I knew it made for him easier to talk when he didn't feel my gaze on him.  
  
"I only wanted to ask your forgiveness because of the things I said before I left you and then got…" he didn't finish, but I certainly knew what he was talking about. I sat up surprised.  
  
"I know, you were upset, and I understand and all… But why now?" I asked in confusion. He didn't look at me directly; his gaze was fixated at one point in the height of my bellybutton and his fingers fumbled nervously with the corner of his blanket.  
  
"Lately I have talked a lot with Waya-san. He told things about you I didn't even thought of and I was surprised how little I knew about you. I mean, _really_ knew."  
  
My mouth went dry all of a sudden. "He told things to you, like what?" I asked anxiously.  
  
He looked at me for a second then diverted his gaze nervously. "That I wasn't right accusing you not to understand my feelings. I was wrong when I believed that you never have felt something akin love. I always thought that you couldn't return my feelings for you are just not the type to fall deeply in love with someone. You like people, that's okay, but you have never felt anything intense for anyone. Never got hurt because of love…"  
  
He fell silent. I looked at him directly. "And now that you know better?" I asked.  
  
"I just wanted to ask your forgiveness. I know it doesn't prove me a good person to assume something like that when I didn't know the truth, and I didn't have the right to accuse you that even if I believed I was right."  
  
"That's true." I said my voice suddenly harsh. I didn't want it to sound like that. I didn't want him to think I was still angry with him for what happened in a weak moment.  
  
He shuddered a little but didn't stop.  
  
"If you won't forgive me, I can understand that just as well." His voice also cracked and I felt a hint of coldness slipping into it, and it shook me out of my mind. What was I doing again? I didn't want him to feel anxious about me, now did I? Then why was the conversation slowly drifting into that way? Because I let it.  
  
"It hurt me when you said it." I whispered softly but in the silence of the nearly empty room it echoed with a meaningful dullness. Finally my words made him look at me. I wanted him to see me that I am not lying when I told him how I really felt, I wanted him to understand. So I locked my eyes deep into his and proceeded with my speech. "It hurt that you were thinking of me being that shallow. But you couldn't know better, I haven't told you the truth about myself, I let you believe I was like that. It is just what everyone believes… But after you left, I realized that it didn't matter anymore. You hurt me because I have hurt you and I did it intentionally. Even now I think that I was right with what I said, but that didn't ever matter, for I was just as wrong as you were. So if you want me to forgive you then you have to forgive me first."  
  
Wow! That was a long speech, kinda something my mom or Isumi would hold.  
  
For a while we were just sitting there in silence, contemplating about the words issued. Then I heard him shift in his position. He laughed softly. "So we were both wrong. How convenient!"  
  
I looked up at him. "I know. But give it a rest now, let's not overcomplicate things unnecessarily. I am tired…" I stood up yawning and stretching my muscles to indicate that I _really_ was tired and wanted to go to sleep now.  
  
"Don't!" he started me when he stood up abruptly and put his hand on my shoulder to stop me from going to the bathroom. "I don't want to end it like that! It only leaves more anxiety and confusion in both of us. And I haven't said yet what I wanted to."  
  
I turned back to look at him. His face wore a frown. "Ok, then say it!" I told him.  
  
"I… I cannot just say it, you have to listen to me!"  
  
"Proceed! I am listening."  
  
He paled suddenly and pulled back the hand that was resting on my shoulder in a movement that betrayed his uncertainty. He turned his glance to stare on his feet and went silent. 'Great!' I thought. 'What did I commit in my previous life to deserve that?'  
  
"Speak up, or you will find me sleeping when you finally feel up to it!" I growled annoyed.  
  
"It's about that promise… " he said still looking at the ground. "You don't have to keep it, I know you only said it because you thought that if you didn't I might have done something maybe even suicide. So it isn't valid, it was forced. I set you free of it."  
  
"You want me to break my word?" I asked now really irritated. "And you think, I lied to you. That's just fine!"  
  
"No Shindo! You seam to completely misunderstand everything I say! Or are you doing it intentionally?" he looked at me suspiciously. I grinned.  
  
"Come on! Let's sleep! It's damn late!" I yawned. I could tell he was utterly perplexed, but at least he wasn't cynical and gloomy anymore. "My brain isn't working when I am tired, let's discuss that another time!" I said when he opened his mouth most likely to protest against.  
  
He sighed but for now he was willing to abandon the topic.  
  
While I was busy with brushing my teeth and taking a fast shower I heard the water running and china rattling out of the kitchen that indicated he _had_ to take care of the dishes before we went to sleep. I stifled a giggle as I stepped out of the bath to let him in and lay down on my futon. It was uncomfortable and strange to sleep on a futon when I practically never slept on one in my whole life except school trips and like. I was still squirming to find a passably comfortable position when he stepped in wearing his usual pajamas, and slipped under his blanket. I didn't want to disturb his sleep so I forced me to stop wiggling but next time I just caught myself doing that again.  
  
"Troubles falling asleep?" Touya asked in a quiet voice.  
  
I yawned in response. "Just need some time to adjust myself… It's kinda hard. The futon I mean."  
  
"You want my pillow?"  
  
"No thanks." 'Just why was he offering?' I pondered… "You're afraid, I won't let you sleep?"  
  
He growled confirming me. "You're capable of staying awake the whole night and making… noises to hinder me by sleeping."  
  
"It's not that I do it intentionally!" I frowned.  
  
Silence. I shifted to my side but it didn't help. Then I tried on my stomach and the floor was hurting my pelvis bone. Then I shifted back to my backside.  
  
"Stop that!" I heard an annoyed Touya sitting up and I virtually felt his intense stare on me. He crawled out from under his blanket and next minute I felt his hands on my arms pulling me out as well. When I got out confused he took my futon and placed it on his own then spread his blanket on the top, placed the pillows next to the other on the head-side and showed me towards the wacky construction.  
  
"Lay down and be quiet!" he ordered then covered me with my blanket and crawled into the "nest" from the other side. He turned his back to me and tried to sleep ignoring the wiggling on his left.  
  
"Um… Thank you, Touya!" I said. It was that much better! Almost like sleeping in my bed. With him… 'Haven't done a long time!' I thought. I felt happy about it. That it wasn't needed. But now I realized that somehow I really had missed it. The warmth of a person next to one. The feeling of the other person turning resulting in a slight touch on one's shoulder. The warm, regular stroke of even breathing brushing on one's skin. The undertone sound of a heart beating resonating with one's own coming out of the ribcage pressed to one's side. An arm thrown over one's hips, Cuddling and snuggling, just like Touya did…  
  
I froze and woke up from the half-asleep state I was in when I recognized that in the mean time he somehow moved in his sleep and now was spread out half over me. Oh, the futon wasn't half the size of my bed. There wasn't much space. Or nearly no space to move.  
  
I contemplated on waking him just a little but I figured he would be mad at me, and possible be fully awake. So I shrugged mentally and let him stay like he was. It wasn't _that_ unpleasant, I thought before I drifted into sleep as well.  
  
Not at that time at least, but next morning…  
  
"You were pawing me while I slept!" that was his first sentence after he opened his eyes.  
  
"Good morning to you as well!" I smirked. "But if you want it in detail, I wasn't the one to start it, you were the first who crawled full on top of me while I tried to fall asleep."  
  
"That's not true!" he exclaimed.  
  
"You wanna say, I'm lying? Then why are you still holding on to me?"  
  
He looked at me pouting. "You are laying on my arm." He said. That was true; his arm was thrown over my chest and crooked under my shoulder. Not that he couldn't move it. I shuddered. "Just like you are laying on mine." I patted his back with said arm and simultaneously pulled him closer.  
  
His eyes went wide as he felt my grip tighten. I grinned and shut my eyelids. "Don't move! I wanna sleep a little bit more till we have time!" I said and pretended to be dozed off already. He didn't protest. Instead he also drifted back into a light slumber. I slowly opened my eyes to look at him and saw a faint smile bending his light-colored lips.  
  
That was the last occasion for a long time I witnessed him smile in honest.  
  
…..  
  
The moving went without complications since it was so well planned by him. The furnishings from his old apartment were transported there the day before and we were finished with arranging them quite early in the afternoon. Only the cleaning remained, but I succeeded coaxing him into a dinner at the nearby restaurant before we did that. Unfortunately we met Ochi and Kuwabara there. We exchanged a nod for greeting but didn't want to sit at their table for we weren't invited and were glad about that. We chose a place in a quiet corner far from them. Regardless, for nearly one and a half hour they were throwing pointed glances at us and it was evident that they were speaking about us. Touya was uncomfortable and though I tried to pretend not to notice their discomforting attention, I felt just as uneasy and finished my meal quickly. We didn't eat dessert just paid and left.  
  
"Uh! What was that about?!" I exclaimed when we were outside after a few hurried steps.  
  
"I don't know," he shuddered. "Can we go home?" he asked then. I wasn't protesting.  
  
After we arrived home, we did the cleaning and went straight to bed. I wasn't sleeping very well that night, and I heard him squirming from the other side of the wall. Well after midnight I was still up and went into the kitchen for a glass of water when I heard footsteps behind me.  
  
"Cannot sleep?" I asked like he asked just a night before.  
  
"It's nothing new," he said, "I don't sleep well since…" he stopped and I felt awkward.  
  
I must admit it never occurred me that that single event could have affected him so much to cause him sleepless nights. I didn't think it was much different from the other incidences when he actually _let_ that happen. Maybe it was different because he never realized before that he was helplessly and utterly submitted to the will of others. Maybe he thought that he had the situation under control? I haven't thought about asking him but knowing him, I assumed, he did. However, it was just another scar on his already wounded soul. I sighed in frustration.  
  
"Last night though you slept like a baby!" I muttered slowly.  
  
He turned away his head but I saw a faint blush on his cheeks. "That was because… it was too warm with you under the same blanket and the heat made me."  
  
I looked at him speechless for a moment. That was the weirdest explanation I ever heard. Like he was ashamed of that he found my presence reassuring and comforting enough to be able to forget his fears and discomfort for a good night sleep. I knew he did but he wouldn't admit it, because he was just too… Touya-ish.  
  
"Is your futon soft enough? Maybe you cannot sleep because it's hard…" I said slowly.  
  
He looked down at his feet and gulped. "Maybe…" he nodded tentatively.  
  
"Then you can sleep in my bed till you buy another one…" I offered.  
  
He looked the floor hesitating, with wide eyes and I could not ignore the fear I saw in them. He was scared of accepting my offer. Thinking maybe that he would became too addicted to the feel of me being there. That it would be more difficult to sleep on his own again after this night. But he was just as scared of being alone and tempted to throw away his reluctance.  
  
I must admit, I felt a little uneasy myself, not knowing (or knowing just too well) where the situation could lead eventually; and contemplating that if I care about him I shouldn't do that because it would become worse for him in the long run. But at that moment, by looking at his shrinking features, I felt an urge to protect him and soothe him and I couldn't think of anything else.  
  
"Just this one night…" he whispered. I nodded though he couldn't see me since he wasn't looking at me, perhaps too ashamed, because he just admitted that he needs me in that way. I felt him already questioning his mind and maybe contemplating about backing out.  
  
"Then come, we really should be sleeping now!" I grabbed his arm and lead him into my room before he could say anything else. After we were under the blanket, I threw an arm around his waist and pulled him close without a word, like it would be a natural thing to do so. I heard him gasping but after the initial shock he loosened his muscles and let me comfort him. He was grateful for not questioning and not embarrassing him more and drifted almost instantly into sleep.  
  
Like on many nights before I listened to his even breathing and stared into the darkness of my room for several hours.   
  
When I woke up on the next day, he was already gone. I found a note on the kitchen table he wrote. It read that he went to the hospital but would be home at the time we awaited Isumi and Waya for a visit. We didn't plan a big house-warming event. I suggested that we could have a party with my friends (he said, he didn't have anyone besides me) and also invite various people from the Go world, so he wouldn't feel out of place. But he just frowned and tried to tell me politely that he wasn't interested in a party. I think he meant he didn't want to have people inquiring about his 'accident' and look suspiciously at him. Not to mention questions about why we were moving in together in the same apartment. As I remembered the glances Ochi and Kuwabara gave us a day ago, I thought it was possibly better that I had agreed to his request. They didn't know us enough to understand. So we ended up inviting only Waya and Isumi.  
  
I allowed myself to sleep in a little since I had practically nothing to do that day - at least nothing official. I managed to rearrange my schedules to have a day off for I suspected to get more troubles with the moving. Now I had time to relax and prepare everything for the evening. When I was at it, I went to buy groceries and dropped by the dry-cleaner's to fetch our suits we gave in last week. Home again, I called my parents' house and chatted with them half an hour promising that I would visit next time. My mom asked something about Touya, but her voice indicated that she didn't want to meddle with our life only wanted me to know that she cared. I was grateful for her concern but I gave her the standard reply that he is fine and everything is all right. I didn't want to load my problems at her; somehow I felt that she wouldn't understand even if I told her and that I had to deal with them on my own.  
  
After I put down the receiver I stood up to go to the kitchen, but then a thought slipped into my mind. I sat back and looked at the phone before deciding whether it was a good idea what I intended to do; then settling my resolve I picked up the receiver again and dialed a number that I still remembered from long ago.  
  
"Touya residence" I heard a middle-aged female voice from the other end of the line. I cleared my throat and called: "Mrs. Touya? Here speaks Shindo Hikaru."  
  
I heard silence echoing through the line then the voice answered in a slightly nervous and definitely repressed tone. "Touya Akiko here. Shindo-kun? Why did you call? Has something happened to Akira-san?"  
  
"No, nothing happened. Don't worry! I just thought… maybe if you want to see him… maybe you didn't know that he moved to another address now…" I stammered. I didn't know what to say, but as I felt chilly sweat dropping down my spine, I was overly glad that it wasn't Touya's dad who answered the phone.  
  
"Oh…" she said then stopped. "I would like…" her voice chocked. "… but I cannot. I have to put down now! Please, take care of him in my place!" she whispered in a hurriedly muttered tirade then I heard a click and the connection broke.  
  
I put down the phone silently cursing about my idiocy. Just what did I think? 'Touya must not learn about this!' I thought desperately. But at least now I knew that his mother still cared for him. Except that she sounded really scared when she heard my name. I thought of thousand causes why she would be that, but I couldn't think clearly, the adrenaline was still rushing in my veins and I still felt the blood pulsate in my temple. I looked at the clock an decided to put the matter away for another time to think over for I had to prepare the dinner for our friends visit.  
  
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Author's note: I know! It's awful! The story of this part doesn't seem to give a whole and it's too long for the poor content. I don't know if it's not finished or maybe I shouldn't even have posted it, but for now I just couldn't think of anything else. Some things needed to be said and others to initiate the main plot that is just about to take shape. Things will develop later in this chapter (that didn't end even with this part -- booo!). So expect another part of chapter 4 that will be more eventful since this one contained mere sap (though a little angsty I must admit). Now I am confused and perhaps I will rewrite the whole part later when my mind works again. I have only one excuse for this junk: I didn't want to delay more since I promised that I would put up the next part a week after the first and I exceeded the deadline with nearly one week now. Huh! You can send me flames, I don't mind, since even I am not content with it, but I would like better if I read some constructive opinions between the scoldings.  
  
Oh! And before I forget: thanks for grammar and spelling corrections. I still appreciate them!  
  
(a little ashamed) Stray 


	7. Concerning them part III

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Chapter 04  
  
Concerning them (part III.)  
  
by Stray  
  
17. 12. 2003  
  
rating: R  
  
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.  
  
Warnings: bad English, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi hints, pairing: HxA, IxW  
  
CAUTION: RATING IS STRONGLY R because of sexual themes (what? you did wait for it all along!)!!!  
  
BEWARE OF ASTRONOMY!!! T~T  
  
--------------------------------  
  
The dinner was a full success, despite that I cooked it. Even the picky Waya liked it. After done, we opened a bottle of champagne and Isumi gave a toast to 'our new life' with barely camouflaged suggestions that made Touya blush slightly. I was only smiling and taking care to drink enough to be able to stand the innuendo that I predicted to be the recurring topic of the night. After the champagne we opened the bottle of whiskey Waya brought as a present and we drank of our rotund goblets previously used to drink the sparkling wine from. No wonder that our spirits rose abruptly.  
  
After the whisky was half-done, Touya suggested that we could play Go in two-man-teams. Surprisingly everyone accepted the plan since no one had a better idea. I was paired up with Waya and playing against Isumi, so Touya ended up in a match against Waya. The accessories were no problem since both of us had our own tables and stones. And of course the bottle and glasses weren't too far from our reach either. It started to resemble the parties the three of us used to celebrate only this time without girls and including Touya who awkwardly seemed to blend right in. I didn't even notice when he opened the second bottle of spirits after the whisky was gone.  
  
Despite that he was just as drunk like the rest of us he won his match when I only maintained to win mine because Isumi was playing like an 8-year-old child.  
  
"I've lost, Hikaru!" Waya complained tipsily after Isumi got the picture that he should have resigned several hands ago and did so.  
  
"Then it's a draw since Shindo won." Touya said gurgling the words.  
  
"That's no fun!" Isumi prompted. "So we cannot punish the losers!"  
  
"But we can…" Touya frowned wanting to prop his chin with his hand but failing to synchronize his body. Next moment he landed on the carpet with a large thud. "Ow!" he gave a small yell but continued after that like nothing had happened. "Like I said before: we can punish the losers and the punishment will be, that were ever loses will strip down a piece of cloth."  
  
Waya looked dumbfounded. "OK, we will do that. But who lost?"  
  
Touya smiled slyly. "You lost against me and Isumi-san lost against Shindo, but since he was in a team with me and Waya-san was in a team with Shindo, that means all of you lost!" he blurted out.  
  
"Sooo… did you think that all up to be able to see Shindo undressed?" Isumi darted the question at him.  
  
"That includes yourself too." I babbled in with a smug grin on my face before he could answer.  
  
He seemed to think about my statement then nodded slowly. "I wasn't considering that" he admitted slightly annoyed but then he shrugged and resigned. He started immediately to tug on the rim of his sweater and pulled it down through his head then before anyone could say anything, he opened the zipper of his denim and tugged that also down. In the next minute he sat there only with his pants and socks on. He stared quizzically at our surprised gapes and asked finally: "You want me to take down the rest too?"  
  
I promptly seized his hand already tugging on the waistband of his white boxers, but he pulled back roughly and I lost my balance that resulted in me lying across his lap with my nose just millimeters from the said piece of clothing. I froze but a moment later I heard Isumi laughing softly and saying, "That's the way to go!" When I turned my head towards the voice I saw the two of them already skillfully divesting the other one out of his garments with practiced movements. And while I could only watch them, with hazy mind I felt two hands wandering towards my belt, yanking free my T-shirt and trying to pull it down roughly across my head.  
  
"Ow! What are you doing Touya?!" I yelled with frustration.  
  
But I didn't have time to sulk for I immediately heard Waya's voice agreeing with me but not quite how I would have liked to: "Yeah! You are doing that the wrong way! Let us help you!"  
  
In the next second I was turned on my back still lying on Touya's lap and stared at the two pairs of hands as they proceeded to swiftly remove my remaining clothing. Even the socks. And I could only watch with horror as an enthusiastic looking Waya fumbled with my underwear. In the meantime Touya was absently stroking my hair and face then after my shirt vanished he draw small, sensual loops on my bare chest with a finger, slowly encircling one of swiftly hardening my nipples.  
  
So when my pants were also gone, they revealed a twitching hard-on, one that's twin I could feel under my neck through the soft material of Touya's underpants. "Haa! Stop that!" I could barely stammer out a few words but no one had seemed to pay attention to me.  
  
"Wow!" I could hear Waya's amazed words. "He _really_ does like men after all!"  
  
Touya shook out from his reverie and looked dazzled at Waya then followed the other man's glance down to my middle region. I could hear his surprised gasp and I decided that I had enough.  
  
With a fast yank I succeeded in freeing myself from between Touya's arms and pulled up to a sitting position, desperately grabbing the next best piece of cloth keeping it in front of my groin to conceal my nakedness. Unfortunately it was a very tiny piece.  
  
Surprisingly, Touya came to my help and stepped before me.  
  
"So what if he likes men? Don't you jump into conclusions just by that little fact! I know what you think, but we truly are simple friends and nothing more! It doesn't mean anything deeper that we are living together, so please; don't read more into our friendship than it really is! You have no reason to dislike him for!" I heard him say and saw the expressions on my friends face slowly change into a serious concern.  
  
"Who said, we dislike him?" Isumi stepped closer, a frown knotting his brows. "Or you? Or anyone…"  
  
Touya averted his gaze. "I just thought you were teasing us because of it… and most people do dislike… homos. Like me…"  
  
Waya snorted and rolled his eyes. "Hikaru!" he wailed practically. "Could it be that he doesn't know it?"  
  
I shuddered lightly. "If you haven't told him… How could he?"  
  
"Know what?" Touya asked in a puzzled tone, looking straight at the now snickering Waya.  
  
He didn't take the trouble of long explanations, only showed his arm around Isumi's waist, pulling him close and then tilted him in his embrace like a waltz dancer does with his partner and kissed him passionately and long enough to draw embarrassed coughs from Touya's lips. But neither of them seemed to notice.  
  
Touya turned to me, face heated and I wasn't entirely sure whether it was caused by embarrassment or by arousal at this sight. So what! It had quite an effect on me as well - along with the fact that Touya's bare skin was constantly rubbing at mine and he even slipped an arm on my hips unconsciously; I felt his slightly twitching fingers scraping on my rear. I mentioned before that I didn't consider myself gay. My consideration was strongly wavering at that moment though.  
  
At least Isumi straightened himself and pulled away from Waya, his eyes glassy. He panted intensely. Waya didn't seem to have that problem although the considerable tenting of his boxers indicated that he got caught in the moment as well.  
  
"What about we join you two tonight?" he asked grinning in a lightly manner, but his voice sounded low-pitched and husky. "Or maybe you could join us?"  
  
I felt Touya tensing against me and he turned his head to avert his gaze of my two friends. I was the only one who could see the fear that crossed his features. But there were also lust and unsatisfied need pictured on them. I felt my face harden and my jaw clenching along with a lump building in my throat at the unexplainable need of getting Touya the furthest possible away from the two. I shook my head firmly and gripped his shoulders possessively, pulling his trembling body to my heated skin.  
  
"You can have my room." I stated simply, my voice cracking, then started to tug Touya by his arm into the comforting solitude of his bedroom. He just let me, no protesting, no reaction at all. That was until he heard the door clicking closed. Then the next thing I knew that he was latched on me, desperately clinging to my body, nearly toppling over both of us, his lips pressed hard onto mine in a frantic, rushing-demanding kiss, that seared my lips like molten lava.  
  
I returned it just as fervently, soon deepening it; I let his tongue evade my mouth, ravishing me, like there were no tomorrow. We stumbled together to his unmade futon and thumped onto it with me on the bottom and his body's weight trapping me, pinning me down. But I wasn't intent on getting out.  
  
It felt like a little crack (inflicted by the alcohol) on a heavy dam in our mind caused the whole construction to fall apart and the roaming torrent swept every logical thought and consideration away casting destructive emotions free and leaving pure instincts in control of the situation.  
  
Soon his hands begun wandering, groping, touching, stroking and trailing ignited prints along my skin. I felt his weight lighten on my trunk and he resumed kissing my throat; his tongue drew slow, hot, wet runes upon my torso, limbs, tights, which were magically charging my flesh with prickling electricity and made my mind blow away. I could only lie in a shivering paralysis and feel him all over me. If my mind would have been working orderly, I could have told that it was not comparable to anything I felt ever before. So much more intense, erotic and sensual, that I was completely lost in the flood of passion unable to achieve even only so much as lifting a hand. I was entirely out of control and completely submitted to him. Not that I minded.  
  
I could hear only my heavy panting, the thumping of my heart and the wet, smacking, sounds caused by his fiery kisses. Then I felt a warm, moist tongue running along the length of my neglected hardness and my body became just as rigid and trembling as the teased part itself. Low growls begun to erupt from my throat as a hot wetness encircled my throbbing erection, and it felt like my body were reduced to only that one region. I was sucked down before several times, more that I could count, but I couldn't remember ever feeling like that! I didn't last long, came hard into his mouth, the spasms of my body lasting long after the blissful shock. It was just when they subsided completely that I realized the softly stroking fingers deeply embedded in my body! I must have clenched my muscles in alarm because I felt them withdrawing slowly, carefully, leaving behind an awkward emptiness in me.  
  
And then I realized that though I was completely satisfied, he only concentrated on me and left himself abandoned. I was ashamed. And I wanted to give him something to compete with the sensations I experienced through him. I wanted him to feel real good; I wanted to see his face in the throes of passion, knowing that I was the one inflicting that upon him.  
  
"I want you so much!" I heard his wistful sigh and the implication reverberated in my body, strangely not in an unwelcome way.  
  
"I am yours." I managed to mutter hoarsely. "Whatever you want…" it sounded like something that I have forgotten long ago.  
  
I heard a choking sound and I realized that he is sobbing. It scared me.  
  
I rushed to shift my body to clench him into a tight embrace that I intended to be for his comfort. But he only started to whimper more fervently and his tears flow unrestrained as his body shook with the tremor of some emotion. "What's wrong?" I dared to ask.  
  
He sobbed. "…'m useless." he muttered weakly.  
  
"What?" was the only thing I managed out.  
  
"I cannot, because of the disease in my body. I am so stained!" he muffled into the hollow of my throat. I began to stroke his soft hair and thought hard. I haven't thought about that before! And it scared me. And I was grateful that he didn't forget that even in this state. I stiffened myself.  
  
"You aren't stained, it's only a virus, it will go away." I said firmly, leaving him no space to protest. I gulped and tried not to tremble when I said the part I found much more difficult to say. "So… don't worry, we can use a condom."  
  
He looked at me with wide, tear-drenched eyes. "I don't have any…"  
  
I smiled reassuringly. "I always keep some reservoir in… my room…"  
  
He hung his head, returning my smile sadly. "I am so useless!" he snickered sarcastically. "And I wanted it to be perfect for the first time…" I'd have hated to remind him on the fact that wouldn't be our 'first time'.  
  
"It's not perfection that makes things feel good or people happy. I don't need perfection. All I need is…" I fell silent, not entirely sure what I wanted to tell him just then.  
  
"What?" he said when I didn't continue. I shook my head like I wanted to shake off a cobweb.  
  
I felt a smile creeping on my face. "It was pretty one-sided, don't you think?" I tightened my embrace and slowly guided him to lie down on the futon this time pinning him under my weight. I kissed his mouth slowly, tenderly, feeling the barely subsided passion sneaking back, settling high and low in my throat and guts, like hot, burning twin stars forming in my universe, circling around a strong gravity field, like a black hole (Ugh! I know, I know! Blame it on the alcohol!) that pulled them onto himself, erupting hot plasma that clouded the vision and heated the space between.  
  
"Now it's my turn!" I whispered into his ear along with my tongue lapping gently on the delicate lobes.  
  
----------------  
  
When I woke up next day, he was still sleeping. Unlike him, I thought, because he always got up first. His face was peaceful. I considered waking him, but in the end I let him sleep in a bit more. When I stretched, my body felt sore - surely from sleeping on a futon - and I had a hell of a headache. I figured I wouldn't get down anything into my stomach either. I noticed that I was naked and when I lifted the blanket to get up, it revealed that Touya did have just as much cloths on. On the sight of his pale body, memories from last night came back and I felt my body reacting, remembering the warm smoothness of that skin. Hell! I haven't felt like that after waking up next to a woman ever!  
  
But I didn't want to think about that right then, so I shook my head like I could shake out the disturbing thoughts from my mind, and covered his sleeping form with the blanket, tugging the rims gently under his body to keep him warm.  
  
I got out to the kitchen and met Isumi. I heard Waya out of the bath, the choking and coughing voices made clear that he wasn't in the best shape. Isumi seemed to behave better for he was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee he helped himself to. He indicated me to have a cup for myself and sit down. I poured the hot, dark liquid and decided to leave it black for the mild nausea building in my guts.  
  
When I sat down, Isumi smiled at me with an omniscient smirk but didn't say anything. After a couple of seconds when I was adequately annoyed with him, I blunted out.  
  
"What?!"  
  
He snickered a little. "I didn't know, you were such a Romeo!" he said. I choked on my coffee but surprisingly, when I spoke, my voice sounded steady and calm enough.  
  
"Well, I didn't want you two to put your dirty paws on him. But that doesn't mean that anything happened…"  
  
He snickered again. "Walls are not thick in this apartment."  
  
'So what?' I thought and shrugged. "You're the one to speak! Like you were leading a chaste life!"  
  
He shook his head. "I didn't say it's wrong. It's the opposite, I am glad you've finally came to your senses."  
  
"I don't want to speak about that just now!" I said a little confused and lifted a hand to my temple as the throbbing under my skull intensified. I sighed heavily and contemplated if I should take an aspirin. Then I did.  
  
Meanwhile the bath was freed and a wobbling Waya took my emptied place at the table.  
  
"Could you do me a favor?" I asked them. "I have to go to an appointment soon. I would be thankful, if you could stay until Touya wakes up and make him eat. After that you can stay as long as you want, even go back to sleep a little…" at this I looked at Waya. He didn't seem to notice that.  
  
"We will take care of him, don't worry." Isumi reassured me. I nodded and went to the bath to take a shower and brush my teeth then into my room to get dressed.  
  
I had a tutoring at a house of a rich family who had a 14 years old daughter. She spent her entire life in a wheelchair and didn't go to school, had any kinds of tutors. She looked so small, like she were eleven or twelve, but her mind was exceptionally sharp. It began as an obligatory job teaching a beginner from the ground level, that I thought I would find boring and troublesome, because rich little girls seldom have any skill and dedication to Go, they only used to have dedication to my person so far. And her father was the boss of my mom, so I had to accept the job, at least temporary. That's how I started teaching her Go two months ago. Surprisingly she took the game seriously and was becoming quite good in it, so after that two months she only needed a handicap of five stones against me, an 8-dan. For that matter her name was Noriko.  
  
We played shidougo two times then she said she needed a break. She ordered beverages from the maid for both of us and while we were waiting for her to bring them, she pulled out a newspaper from a drawer. She wheeled to me the paper on her lap and I saw a picture of Touya on the top page.  
  
"Isn't that your friend?" she asked pointing on it. I nodded and could barely restrain myself from snatching the paper from her lap to be able to read the article. She gave it to me along with the words: "I am sorry for him, I didn't know what really happened to him, when I read weeks ago that he had been attacked."  
  
Those words marred into my mind and I took the paper into my shaking hands and swiftly started to read.  
  
TOUYA AKIRA'S ATTACKER FOUND AND ARRESTED!  
  
The police found K. Yoshi one of the attackers of Touya Akira, famous go player. Touya was assailed by several men for a couple of weeks. What wasn't revealed that time that he was also raped by them, and then left with a bleeding wound on his head in an alley. K. Yoshi, one of the perpetrators was caught during a similar crime only this time without his accomplices. Touya hasn't made a formal denunciation against his attackers but K. Yoshi will be sentenced for sure for the other crime he committed.   
  
The paper was of yesterday's date and the article wasn't on the first page, but I knew it meant nothing good.  
  
I looked up with slightly blurred vision and she crooked a brow indulgently, like she knew what I was thinking about. She observed me during I read the article so I think she could get a very clear picture.  
  
"I'm sorry, but I have to go! Thank you for showing me this article." I got up and wasn't waiting for her answer. I knew I was rude and that I shouldn't make her upset, but I simply couldn't concentrate on being polite after I read that.  
  
I ran from the house and cursed that I didn't have a car for I had to take the train back to the city and I knew I would be terribly late for Touya. I sprinted to the train station and cursed again when I saw that the next train would arrive in half an hour and leave twenty minutes after that. My breathing slowed down after a while and my mind was able to produce logical thoughts once again.  
  
I seized my cell phone and dialed his number but the central said it wasn't available at the moment. He must have turned it off. Then I called our home number but the line seemed to be busy. I walked up and down till I waited and somehow I ended at the frontage of a domestic ware shop and my gaze caught the picture of a TV-screen with Touya on it in a ring of reporters. The word 'live' was printed on the upper right corner.  
  
I ran into the shop and begged the owner to let me see and hear the broadcast of Canal # and thank God I didn't have to get aggressive (for I would have for sure if he wouldn't have said yes) since he was watching it before I got in. He didn't have any customers so he agreed to turn up the sound for me to hear.  
  
I saw Touya like I sad before in the ring of reporters, whose expressions were greedy and mocking. He himself was pale but firm. I think only few people, who knew him closer, like me, could have told that he wasn't that calm like he seemed to be. The tiny spasms of his mouth and the clenched fists indicated that the mask of his professional appearance was indeed about to break. I was wishing in that moment that I could be with him side by side. That I haven't left him alone that morning.  
  
The reporters were trying to squeeze out of him something, they were aggressive and it seemed that the 'interview' went like this for several minutes now. I couldn't even guess since how long did he have to endure the molesting questioning.  
  
Touya-san! According to the testimony of several witnesses, you were involved in several of these 'affairs'. Now you still deny that you were accusing that man with false crimes?  
  
I wasn't accusing anyone. That was his voice, quiet and seemingly calm amidst the loud yells and protests of the crowd of reporters and observing passer-bys. At that moment the camera zoomed out and I recognized the location: it was the little square before our apartment building. After his comment arose uproar.  
  
You deny you live a sinful life? Hypocrite! Fag! Shameless! They called him names. My heart did skip a beat hearing the spiteful words from the crowd, seeing him amidst what seemed like living hell. But he wasn't that badly shaken I thought he would be, so I figured that it wasn't the first occurrence of the day for them throwing dirt at him like that.  
  
What about Shindo Hikaru? a female reporter shrieked against the general commotion. Is he your lover? A dirty fag like you?   
  
I started. Not because of hearing my name, but to see the utter horror appear on his face. The mask broke. Now he looked scared and intimidated like a little child.  
  
No! He raised his voice for the first time dropping his calm tone. He isn't like that! He isn't like me at all!   
  
He isn't here to defend you, so obviously he doesn't want to do anything with you; whether it's true that he is your boyfriend or not. a malicious tenor bit in. I felt all blood drained from my face when I heard that. Touya didn't answer, only hung his head and looked straight on his hands. It was then that I noticed I shook my head vehemently.  
  
Someone took advantage of the general chaos and grabbed Touya by his shoulders tugging him into the building away form the screaming and roaring mass of scandal-hungry reporters and inflamed people. The broadcast continued for a few moments then the channel switched back into the studio.  
  
"I don't understand people of today! The ancient traditional merits like Go are to be defiled by such low morals! Bloody gay slut!" I heard the owner of the shop cursing and I could barely restrain myself from grabbing his throat and squeezing it till he withdraws his ill-disposed comment. I didn't say a word, only turned and fled the shop.  
  
----------  
  
Two hours later I arrived at home. The crowd dispersed by that time and the peace and stillness seemed to belie the hostility of the scene that occurred several hours ago.  
  
I went straight to the front door not caring if a hiding paparazzi took a photo of me. There were more important things I cared about. On my way here I could only play back Touya's change of face when he was confronted with that last statement. He wouldn't believe that, would he? That I didn't want to be seen with him because of his past? But I left him without a word this morning, what was that if not cowardice? He thinks perhaps, that I regret what happened last night; that I am ashamed maybe disgusted too. It would be just like him to think that.  
  
I went to the elevator, couldn't wait for it to arrive at the story and I nearly tore out the door as I wanted to get out the fastest possible. I fumbled with my keys but to my surprise the door wasn't locked and when I stepped in there was a commotion of people to greet me. With blurry vision I recognized Isumi, Waya, Naze, several other go players, my mom and even Mitani and Akari amidst them.  
  
Most of them were trying to comfort Touya who sat on the couch his face buried in his hands. He looked up when he heard people saying my name. His face was all pale from barely controlled tension and his hair was disheveled. He looked when possible, more vulnerable like I saw him after _those_ nights.  
  
I felt a lump in my throat at his sight and in that moment couldn't care less what other people thought of me. I ran to him and enfolded him within my arms kneeling before his sitting form. He clutched on me tightly, without a word, and after a second of tranquility he finally let go, his tears broke out, pouring warm, salty drops over my neck.  
  
"I'm there! All will be good!" I whispered into his ear trying to calm him, but I knew, he needs to cry, so I let him.  
  
"It won't be good!" he sobbed. "And now you're also involved… I understand if you don't want to stay…"  
  
"I don't care." I answered in an unfaltering voice and now I knew that every word I would say is what I truly meant. "I won't let them hurt you anymore! And I won't ever leave you! Don't even think about such a ting, because it won't happen!" I exclaimed, somehow still whispering so only he could hear.  
  
He pulled his head back looking at me with large, teary eyes, but now he was smiling slightly. Then he buried his face back in the crook of my neck and stayed there for a long time even after the sobbing subsided.  
  
to be continued  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Author's note: OK, some explanations: in this story I didn't picture Akira as definitely uke, in fact, he is both uke and seme, because of, well, his personality, I think. The cause of that he was always on bottom before, was that he subconsciously wanted to punish himself and so he choose the role of sub instinctively. One cannot receive punishment when one is in control; it figures, ne? 


	8. Concerning them part IV

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Chapter 04 Concerning them (part IV)  
by Stray 17. 08. 2004 rating: R / NC-17  
  
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.  
Warnings: bad English, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi, pairing: HxA, IxW  
  
Warning2: This part contains an actual lemon scene, which is graphic; hence I cut it out neatly form the version to be posted here. If you want to read the full (uncut ?) version, got to m e d i a m i n e r . o r g (same fandom, same title, same author's name.  
  
Sorry, I had some problems with uploading and formatting.  
  
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"How did that happen?" I asked Isumi. Touya went into the bathroom to wash his face.  
  
"Hard to tell," he said shrugging. But his face was serious and thoughtful. "I've spoken to Amano-san. He said, that the man was arrested two days ago. He was interviewed by a freelancer reporter who usually writes for gossip press. Then a minor article was published in a regional newspaper. After that the press was eager to interview the man, and the police gave permission for the man told them he would give the names of his accomplices if he could talk to the press. I think that's the summary of all this…"  
  
"But why didn't we know when he got caught?" I asked puzzled.  
  
"Well, there would be an explanation. Namely that Touya revoked the charge and you haven't told the police your new address and phone number, I guess?"  
  
I scratched the back of my head embarrassed. Because he was right. "Not yet…"  
  
We heard the water gushing from the bath and Isumi turned to face me. His expression turned suddenly more serious and I knew there was something more to the topic I didn't know yet. I noted that in that moment the gazes of all who were present became fixated on us and the subtle chatting faded into an apprehensive silence.  
  
"What else is there?" I asked frowning. Isumi opened his mouth but stayed silent for a moment before he began to tell me.  
  
"There is a rumor inside the Go Institute that they want to suspend Touya for an undetermined length of time."  
  
"What?" I nearly yelled. Then I remembered that he could hear. "What kind of explanation can they provide to justify that decision? Does he know about it?" I asked a bit quieter. I was stupefied and couldn't believe that something like that could happen. No, it wasn't right!  
  
Isumi nodded. "He knows," he said solemnly. I understood only then that that must have been the reason why all the other pros were there.  
  
"They already cancelled all his future games and didn't schedule him another ones," he continued to tell me. "They haven't excluded him yet, but…"  
  
He didn't need to continue. I understood what he meant.  
  
At that moment Touya stepped out from the bath and came to me.  
  
"So, you know now… " he said, not a question. I nodded silently.  
  
It was the moment that everyone chose to inform me about the past days' events. I haven't asked how anyone besides me knew about them. I learned that it was a decision they brought after the TV broadcast of the humiliation they call interview. It was a Thursday. Of course they would know about it, they all were there. And it was a coincidence that I wasn't; being my match cancelled that day, because of the illness of my opponent. So I decided to have my tutoring rescheduled. Well, I couldn't know better, could I?  
  
They came to me one on one - Naze, Fuku, Honda, Saeki-san, even Kurata-san was there - or in pair whose came together like Akari and her husband, Mitani. I got from all the people either that they don't believe in the crap the press wants to make believe about Touya, or that we mustn't worry because it all will turn good in time. Like I heard my own words back. Only this time the one said it didn't believe it would actually come true.  
  
Did I?  
  
I think I had to be grateful to these people because they were supporting us and not against us (whether they knew what they talked about or not). Apparently Touya didn't feel like enlighten them about the whole situation, and who am I to question his decision. If he doesn't want to tell them, then it's his right. So I tried to stay neutral and didn't give them real answers to their question. And they didn't force the topic knowing that Touya was near and could perhaps hear us. So everything was fine until that moment when Akari came to me.  
  
We talked a few sentences about everyday matters and in the whole time I knew she wants to get out to something. She didn't know how to ask and got every moment tenser and louder. Then she lost her patience and bluntly blurted out the query on me.  
  
"You two aren't really a couple, are you?"  
  
Her voice just happened to be a little above the general noise level.  
  
I literally felt the air freeze and all the sounds of chatting people die down around us as everyone focused their attention on the answer I was about to give her. My eyes caught the figure of Touya. His face was pale like lime and I couldn't capture his gaze to give me directions about what my answer should be.  
  
So I just laughed and said out loud: "What do you think?"  
  
She begun to babble that she read every article about us and the comments we gave the reporters earlier about our living together but she didn't seriously think it would be true. So in the end she ended up apologizing to us and I tapped her shoulder and gave her a forgiving smile and said "Nothing happened."  
  
The general atmosphere became awkward afterwards. My eyes searched after Touya but I couldn't find him anywhere. Then I spotted him sitting on the sofa in the same position as earlier when I entered our apartment.  
  
"I don't feel well, can you handle our guests?" he asked. I nodded and then he retreated into his room.  
  
Seeing that all the people were squirming and preparing to leave, I thanked them for their supportive words and that they came and let them out of the flat. Finally only three people remained: Waya, Isumi and my mom.  
  
"Thank you for coming." I said to them bowing my head. It was an unfamiliar move for me, even Waya noticed because he smiled encouraging and waved with his hand.  
  
"It's time for us to go." Isumi said mimicking the smile of his friend.  
  
Then I turned to my mom and wanted to say something. I must admit, I was afraid and a little embarrassed, but I wanted to be honest with her. Even if it hurt. I had faith in my parents; to know them enough that certain kind of revelations I was about to make wouldn't quaver their love and thrust in me. But she was aware of my anxious and confused state because she went before me.  
  
"It's OK," she said comfortingly.  
  
I saw a flicker of sadness flashing through her eyes that I couldn't quite place but then it disappeared and she looked at me with a genuine understanding and unshaken love. She laughed a little and said, she had known in a way that the two of us were a couple since we spent Christmas with them. I started to argument with her about it, explaining that we haven't been then, but it served mainly for easing the tension and give both of us time to get accustomed with the fact that she knew now. Because I may have fooled other people with my comment giving them a way to think what they wanted to believe in, but not my mother.  
  
At least they all left, Isumi offering mom to drive her home what I was thankful for.  
  
I entered Touya's room. I found him sitting motionless on the floor on his heels, surrounded by semi-darkness and silence. The only light that penetrated the room was the faint, grayish gleam of the sun from behind thick clouds that covered the sky. Though it was afternoon, because of the gloomy weather it seemed like the moment just after the sun has set, when there is a bit of light lingering but the warm colors have already faded.  
  
He looked at me and I stepped before him just centimeters away and crouched down to be in one level with him. Neither of us said a word he only looked at me and I couldn't avert my gaze of his look. It seemed like sacrilege to break the silence. At least I just gave him a reassuring smile and offered my hand to help him up.  
  
He took it but didn't make any attempt to eventually stand up, just held it enclosed within his fingers. Slowly he diverted his gaze and looked at my hand like it was a custom of his, learnt from his father. I felt my smile reappear seeing this gesture. I lifted my other hand to brush some longish, black strains away covering his eyes as he bent his head.  
  
"What are you thinking about?"  
  
He didn't look at me, his gaze still examining my hand.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said in a flat voice.  
  
My fingers lightly touched his cheek and he lifted his face to look at mine again. "What for?" I asked.  
  
It felt strange to touch him like that - such intimacy and gentleness - almost awkward. As the strangeness of the feeling got stronger I couldn't resist the sudden urge to detract my hand from his face, and however I tried to calm my motion it just seemed like a jerk.  
  
Touya just looked at me with a hint of sadness in his gaze that seemed so tired of everything that happened lately. He could tell I was nervous.  
  
"You don't have to pretend anymore. I know it wasn't for real." He looked at my hand again then put it down carefully like it were a fragile thing, then retracted his arm and lay his palms on his knees in an almost awkwardly controlled gesture. But his hands betrayed him; they were shaking.  
  
I hung my head. I was really ashamed of myself thinking about how he must have felt right then. I really was careless last night. How could I think I could get away with all of it easily, knowing that there were emotions involved I should not stir up with deceivingly carefree moments? Like he could read my thoughts he answered right to what was on my mind.  
  
"You must not blame yourself. We both were drunk. If I had been in the right state of my mind it would have never happened…"  
  
"But to tell the truth, I don't regret it, so you shouldn't either if it's only for my case. I was really happy with that illusion, you gave me. Even if I know now that I cannot continue to pretend it was real. Not for me and of course even less for you. And that hurts, but it's a kind of good hurt. The moments I could spend with you will be always precious for me… even when they were a lie."  
  
I was forgiven. But I didn't feel relieved at all. In fact, his words made me feel a slight distress. I realized just in that moment that even I thought deep in my heart that this could be more than simple carnal desire between the two of us. And it saddened me to have been confronted with the reality. I had to admit to myself, that the previous night not only for him was an illusion, but in a way for me as well. However he was still my friend. Someone I cared for. And I wanted to do what was right for him.  
  
I realized that I was looking the entire time on his hands, not in his eyes. They weren't shaking that strong anymore; only a slight trembling that could also be caused by fatigue.  
  
"And I'm sorry for making you worry about me."  
  
I lifted my gaze to his face. I saw unshed tears glimmering in the corners of his eyes. He didn't want me to see them, because he lowered his face so his hair was obscuring them. I turned my head to the side and took up slowly still not looking at him to not to embarrass him.  
  
"It's only natural, that friends are worried for each other. If I hadn't be worried, I couldn't be calling myself a friend."  
  
He nodded, but didn't say anything in return, only made a hasty movement to wipe away a betraying teardrop rolling down his face that broke away from the restrains of tightly squeezed eyelids.  
  
"I am about to make something for dinner." I said pretending that I haven't noticed. "Feel up to helping me?"  
  
"Go ahead! I will come right after." He said in a hoarse voice.  
  
I did as he requested and closed the door of his bedroom after me.  
  
Past ten minutes he really was there and took over some tasks silently, not asking what he should do. It was fine with me. I instinctively handed over the basic cooking chores to him as we were already used to do it, and kept the preparations and cleaning for me. We didn't talk a word the whole time. They weren't needed. We finished cooking in half an hour, but neither of us could eat much after what happened. Even I got a sour taste in my mouth.  
  
After doing the dishes we sat down in the living room for a match or two of Go, but both of us played terribly, so it wasn't a successful distraction either. It merely got us in a more depressed atmosphere then we were in before. So in the middle of our third game Touya only hissed disdainfully and stood up saying that it was enough for that night. I nodded and put the stones and the board back into their place in my room. When I got back, he already went to shower. I waited for the bathroom to empty watching some TV, but I switched between channels so I wouldn't have to watch the news repeating the events of the afternoon.  
  
Finally he came out in his pajamas and bade me good night.  
  
I bathed and tried to relax in the hot water. It got me slack enough to be able to try some sleeping. I wound a towel around my hip and let the water down then went into my bedroom. On the way I couldn't resist to stop before his door and place my ear to the wooden surface. I heard some barely audible but still distinctive weeping sounds coming out. My hand was on the lever but I hesitated. I thought that he definitely does not want me to bug in into his privacy. Crying is good, I thought, and understandable. It will help him to let down the tension and get a clear mind. So I walked instead into my room and lay down to my bed willing me that it will cease eventually and then both of us can sleep.  
  
When you are lying in the dark and you can only hear the little noises of the nighttime streets, every little sound gets louder when you concentrate on it. After half an hour when I still could hear him cry I finally got up and went to his door. I didn't knock, only pressed down the handle and stepped in. His curtains were not closed, so I could see the outlines of the objects in the room. But even without my sight I knew where his futon lay and what the layout of his room was like.  
  
He hasn't heard me coming, so he jerked away almost hysterically when I touched his shoulder under the blanket. I thought he would order me to go away and let him be alone, but he only turned to face me and lifted an arm towards my shoulder. I bent down and took him into an embrace burying his face in the crook of my shoulder. I tried to calm him so I cradled him and whispered some encouraging words into his ear, stroked his hair and the backside of his neck. His skin felt hot and the fine hair just under his hairline made the texture so unbelievably silky under my touch. I pressed my temple to the top of his head and inhaled the scent of his hair - it smelled like rain and wind.  
  
Suddenly I felt warm, salty-wet lips touch my owns in a chaste kiss, that had somehow a desperate tinge. I didn't resist or back up. I thought, he needed this to be able to forget about everything else, even if it was an illusion - as he himself said earlier. Then I realized that I also might have needed this.  
  
The kiss didn't grow deeper; it remained only by lips touching each other's, a little suckling and barely opening. It was slow, patient and reassuring. It lasted long minutes until the salty taste of his tears was completely gone. Then he drew back and looked at me in the dark with damp, glimmering eyes. He was hesitating; his mind and logic that told him to stop fought his instincts and feelings that wanted him to continue.  
  
"I… we shouldn't…" he said slowly.  
  
"Maybe." I said in a hoarse voice and I was willing to stop anytime he wanted me to. Albeit his hesitation and the reluctance to his own words in his voice indicated otherwise.  
  
I put my hand down on his pillow to support myself and felt the dampness of his shed tears soaked into the drapery of the bedding. It was overall, already turning cold and it must have been right uncomfortable to lie on. I didn't hesitate much; I lifted him up and carried him over into my bedroom (thanking silently to the hours spent in the gym next to my old apartment). I put him down onto my bed, got rid of the T-shirt that was also wetted with his tears then lay next to him bracing myself on my elbow.  
  
"Shindo…" he said my name hesitantly, not knowing what to expect.  
  
"It's all up to you," I said trying to sound reassuring.  
  
"What if I don't want to…" he didn't finish it, but of course I knew all to good what he wanted to ask.  
  
"Then we sleep." I stated.  
  
He nodded weakly. I waited for him to say something, but he didn't. So I had to say it out for him.  
  
"You know, you don't have to restrain yourself. Illusions are just a part of life. And sometimes illusions can feel more reliable than reality itself."  
  
He froze for a second then looked straight into my eyes and a rear smile appeared on his face. "Thank you!" he muttered barely audible. Then twined his arms around my neck and pulled me down into a kiss, not demanding but persistent and through. My head began to spin and I had to close my eyes.  
  
I rolled down from his body and positioned myself on my side hugging him close to me so we were lying opposite to each other. He didn't rush like the last time and I let him have his piece. We didn't do anything else for a while beyond embracing each other and making out. The kiss hasn't lost anything form it's former gentleness and lightness as it grew more passionate and needy. Even this happened slow and gradually. He wasn't getting aggressive or urging me to take that role. These were the only moments in our life when neither of us wanted to overpower the other. We just took what the other was offering and gave it back. In every other aspect of our lives he was my rival and I was his. Only sex wasn't ever about competition. It was something, we both wanted to do as equals, there was no need for fighting for dominance in it.  
  
I started to caress his back lightly and he touched my hip above the waistline of my boxers. My hand drifted under his pajama top and I drew slow circles along his spine just barely touching the heating skin. I could feel the goosebumps building there and the fine hairs standing up under rippling muscles where my fingers passed. Meanwhile I felt a hand sliding up my throat and gently cupping my jawbone to hold my head in place. I did the same with my other hand and in answer I felt his body sliding closer and our erections grinding together through the cloths.  
  
I stopped. He looked at me patiently, waiting, pleading with his eyes for me to continue. I sat up and grabbed the rim of his top and pulled it down then I did the same with the bottom. It was hauntingly like dressing him after his escapades in the past - he even lifted his arms for me - except for the part that I was doing this to have sex with him. Back then I always thought that he looked weak but now he felt strong and determined and I felt this observation appealing.  
  
-----------(Lemon part cut out from here. You know where you can find it I guess)  
  
He rolled down of me and I felt the mattress dip on my side as his weight pressed down on it. We spent some minutes in silence listening to our heavy breathing and the blood drumming in my ears calming down. At once I felt a hand clutching over mine and I rolled my head to the side to look at him. He also was looking at me intently with a satiated expression but his eyes bore something akin worry. I couldn't determine if it was for me or for what we just did. I tried to reassure him with a lazy smile and I brought up my other hand to lightly caress his face that, I noticed with a pang in my heart, looked strikingly handsome at this moment of calmness. He didn't close his eyes as my fingers passed his cheek but continued to gaze at me. I found it a little disturbing.  
  
"I need to clean up," I said and attempted to sit up on the bed. I winced at the sudden burning sting at my lower part but could avoid a hiss so not to alarm him. I went to the bathroom and took a fast shower. I didn't bother with dressing back up. When I got back Touya was still lying in his former position but got rid of the condom and got his pajama bottom up in the meantime.  
  
"Want me to take shower too?" he asked.  
  
Well, it'd be nice, I thought. But I didn't say it; I only shrugged and lay back on the rumpled sheets. He didn't waste time to shift close to me and cradle me almost possessively in his arms. He was a bit sticky but his skin was almost fully dried and it surprised me that after some time I actually found the closeness comfortable. I didn't notice how much our former activity took out of me till I closed my eyes and drifted into sleep immediately.  
  
When I opened my eyes next it was already morning and I was alone in my bed. I closed my lids trying to sleep in a little more and then I heard the sounds of water running in the shower. The door to my room was slightly ajar. I lifted my head but then I thought otherwise and rolled onto my stomach. As I moved a sharp little sting between my legs caused me to wince but when I remembered the most likely cause of it I was surprised it only hurt that much. And that I actually allowed him to do that to me. Maybe the next thought - that next time it sure as hell would be the other way around - should have also fazed me if my mind weren't so cloudy from sleep. What did make me so sure it would come a 'next time'?  
  
I was lying on my stomach for a long time, eyes closed, trying hard not to think about last night, when I heard him coming in and then felt the other side of the bed dip under his weight as he first sat down then stretched out beside me.  
  
"I know you are not sleeping," he said almost grumpily. His voice sounded anything like content and happy; more like earnest and somehow angry.  
  
I crooked an eye open and squinted at his solemn face that managed to provide him with a commanding appearance - despite the fact he wasn't wearing anything beside a towel wound around his hips.  
  
"I have to speak with you."  
  
"So? Go on," I said with a deliberately slurry voice as if I was still half asleep. I didn't want to have this talk right then although I knew we had to have it sometime soon.  
  
My eyes jerked wide open when I felt his palm cradle my cheek I wasn't lying on. Now he got my full attention but he kept his hand there still. So he wanted to talk, I thought. Why not? I mentally prepared myself on a long and painful discussion about 'whys' and 'how nexts' so his next question caught me unawares.  
  
"Last night when you said that about illusions being sometimes more real, were you speaking about someone in particular?"  
  
I was about to deny it, when the truth in his words sank in. He was right. It sounded like Sai. He was the illusion of my life. I was suddenly startled to feel hot, and prepared myself to the stinging ache in my heart that was bound to come when I was reminded of him and the panic I felt every time when his existence was near to be discovered. But the pain wasn't so strong now like before and it didn't scare me now that someone asked about him. In fact I knew it was only because that person was Touya. I promised to tell him about my secret one day, didn't I? But after the short-lived thrill of the moment, in that I said those words, died down I never found the courage in myself to actually make them true. I still didn't think that he would have actually believed me if I told him all as it happened, but it felt right that he should know about him if only from a different aspect.  
  
I know my face must have been bearing a funny expression, because Touya looked at me stupefied, maybe even a little scared. I saw him open his mouth to apologize but I beat him for it saying, "Yes".  
  
I still don't know how I was able to speak to him so freely about my feelings for Sai, and yes, I told him the name. He was surprised, to put it mild. More like shocked, and not just because I was only fourteen when he disappeared - too young for a relationship. I explained that our bond wasn't that of lovers, more like tutor and apprentice and maybe something akin a very close friendship. So close I haven't realized that it meant more for me till it was too late. That's why I felt that he was an illusion that I wasn't meant to reach ever. And that he was - besides the obvious. I didn't elaborate the circumstances to his disappearance; I think he assumed Sai just died. And he did in a way.  
  
The need to believe is a funny thing. He didn't doubt my explanation for a second, didn't ask about the first two games we played against each other - I mean Sai played against him through my help. And I knew he probably never would, still…  
  
"Do you think it is futile to chase after an illusion?" he asked after a few minutes silence.  
  
The question was vague but I knew what he meant to ask. Just like Sai was my illusion, the illusion he was pursuing was I.  
  
"If you don't have any prospect to reach it, I suppose it is."  
  
He looked at me then sat up on the bed turning his back to me. I could see his dark silhouette against the window. His voice was tiny; I barely managed to decipher his words when he spoke next.  
  
"…do I?"  
  
I was afraid he would ask that. And I knew I mustn't lie about it. But unfortunately the only answer that didn't sound to me as a lie was neither the negative, nor the positive.  
  
"I don't know… I honestly don't know…"  
  
--------------------  
  
In the afternoon we went to the Go Institute together. He managed to arrange his prosecutors to assemble there for a 'discussion' of the situation. I was there with him and Amano-san who got invited by the commission, but stood on his side since the beginning. But of course Touya didn't want anyone to interfere. He could deliver a worthy fight himself like he always did. But he was condemned to lose this time.  
  
He was told, that the recent occurrences on his side reflect badly on the community of Go and his participation is no longer wanted. If he would have been a lousy player no one would have paid attention to him, he could have remained like before the incidents. But unfortunately his name was bound to appear at the center of attention. They told him straight that he had no future in that department anymore, that he wasn't going to hold any title and they wouldn't allow him to represent the institute on any significant event, like national or international tournaments, seminars, etc.  
  
Of course he could retire silently because of personal reasons and spare himself the embarrassment.  
  
They just looked at him with uncaring eyes, some of them nigh on hateful, some displaying a bit of compassion.  
  
"You people really are willing to throw away such a talent?" Amano-san asked with indignation. He got no answer.  
  
I saw Touya's hand - closely fisted beside his thighs - begin to tremble slightly as he turned towards the journalist and told him with a calm, controlled pace of determination, "You can publish my retirement and the cause as well. I don't want to hide anything."  
  
I choked and nearly yelled at him "What?" but lastly I could control myself not to do so and embarrass him more. I understood his decision. He couldn't fight something that he hadn't had the prospect to win against. It would have been futile to attempt that. But I realized just how alone I would be without him there to be my rival. And if he cannot play as a professional he wouldn't be likely to remain where everything reminded him of what he has lost. He wouldn't want to stay near me, the proof of what he could have been.  
  
At that moment my mind went blank. I could see my future without Touya Akira. Without my eternal rival, the cause of all the relevant things I achieved and would achieve in my life. He would leave, just like Sai. And he would take away the meaning of my life. Not only as a rival, a fellow Go player, he was much more than that. It was when I realized, that it doesn't matter how I call him. Weather I name him my friend or my lover (love even). If I were to lose him it would hurt the same.  
  
An instant later I found myself standing next to Touya. Looking at the committee and speaking to Amano-san, but my words were directed to him. "If he goes, I'll go with him. You can write that along with the rest."  
  
I felt eyes staring at me from all directions but I only cared for one set of icy blue irises widened with surprise and fear. I didn't look at him. Didn't have the courage to do so and retain the pretense of false confidence. Before he or anyone could say anything I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him out of the stuffy room with uncaring audience along the long floor towards the elevator, then after the ride down out of the building and down the streets still clutching his arm like I expected him to vanish into thin air if I dropped my hold on him.  
  
Neither of us spoke a word the whole way long. We got home and then I don't remember how we ended up on the sheets tangled together again in a mass of limbs and sweaty skin. We made love – I couldn't conveniently think of it as just a fuck between friends anymore. It was more especially after the revelations I had that day. He saw what I needed and let me be in control this time. But I was still confused, my mind torn between what felt safe or what felt right. It would take time.  
  
After the passion cooled down and we were laying on the bed satiated and lazy with bodily and emotional fatigue, he asked me only one word: Why? But I couldn't word the thoughts swirling in my mind. So I only sad to him: Because it felt right.  
  
He nodded with acceptance and went to sleep in my arms where I soon followed him.  
  
TBC.  
  
A/N: sorry for the long wait. Thank you for all of you who reviewed or who read the fic. You see it nears the end now and I hope it wont take so long than this part. There is some nc-17 (lemon) part in the middle what is only available in the version. I didn't rewrite it I only cut it out from the one I posted on  
  
A/N 2: Some of you mentioned my lack at proper English grammar and probably some typos. I told you I suck at English having learnt only 2 years and not that intensive too. Also I don't have a beta-reader. But if anyone is willing to do that for me, I would appreciate it. Not that I write too much, see I don't know when I will be able to post any other fic I wrote or am about to write, so… If anyone feels like it, I would be glad for suggestions about this one, because the first chapters are in severe need of it.  
You can send corrections to: s o u r c h e r r y m a g i c # y a h o o . c o m . Thank you for reading. 


	9. Far Away Concerns I

  
Chapter 05 Far away concerns by Stray 19. 08. 2004 - 02.01.2005 rating: R

Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.  
Warnings: bad English, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi, Fluff-warning!  
Pairing: HxA, IxW mentioned Betas: Quirk-san and Anne-san

A/N: I had to correct and upload it a second time, because some of the commas and question marks went missing, mysteriously. If anyone sees them, please contact the local authorities! '

When I woke up the next morning, I felt dazed. Touya was already up and gone. Where to, I had no idea. He had left a note though to expect him back for lunch.

I got up, since I didn't feel like sleeping in. I was strangely sleepless and distraught. Though it's not so strange considering, just the day before I had given up my career as a professional Go player - the only thing I could picture doing with my life. It hurt to know that I would never be able to achieve the goals that only yesterday had not seemed so far away in my reach, like 'winning a title or two', or achieving the hand of God... with Touya Akira as a rival. And I had given up on it, on my own accord. Not even for Sai had I done that. And I hadn't even considered. I had decided on impulse.

Oddly enough, I didn't regret that decision one bit, because a future without a rival seemed just as barren as no future as a Go player. I regretted that I wasn't able to help Touya, and that people could be so blind to let a talent perish just because of some issue that the tabloids made a scandal of. I mean, it was true; Touya wasn't the spotless person everyone thought him to be. But it didn't affect his playing and didn't have anything to do with Go at all. I am sure there were uglier secrets among a few pros that no one cared about. Like for example illegal gambling on games, selling fake artifacts and cheating at the lower dan matches.

I knew Go wasn't the most popular game nowadays and certain people were willing to 'make sacrifices' like overlooking the aforementioned flaws to gain popularity - or to not lose more of it. Maybe that's why they were desperate to get rid of the person whose name had been dragged through the mud by tabloids. So I understood them - and I think Touya did too - but that didn't mean that I agreed with their decision.

I didn't feel like doing anything that day. I just sat before the television and stared at the flickering pictures that failed to catch my attention. I had been in my thoughts the whole day and was still there when Touya got home. I didn't even hear the rattling of keys, nor the opening of the door. I became aware of his presence only when he stepped in front of me and my glance caught on his dark silhouette before the glimmering lights of the TV. I hadn't noticed when it got dark in the room.

I heard him sigh and then he flopped down gracelessly next to me onto the couch. He seemed tired as he propped his head on his arms that were resting on his knees. I knew something had happened and slid my hand onto his dropped shoulders and tried to give him some support by rubbing his back awkwardly but he hissed and jerked when I brushed a spot near his spine.

"What's wrong?" I asked frowning. I didn't get any answer. "Where were you?"

He looked up at me, his back still slumped. "I went to talk with my father," he told me. His voice was tired and I noticed that he tried to remain indifferent about it. My hand brushed that spot again and he jolted once more. Only then did I realize that it was because he must have been hurt there.

"What did he do to you?" I asked furiously. I got up, turned up the lights and went back to him, intent on examining his back. He let me pull down his sweater and shirt so I could stare at the angry blue swelling under his shoulder blades.

"Did he hit you again?" I asked, not wanting to believe that something like that could happen. He wasn't a child anymore, surely he could defend himself. "Are there more?" I asked while I proceeded to search his body for other injuries.

"No, there aren't," he sighed, but he didn't object to my examination. He just sounded tired and resigned. I stopped when I looked at his face, then sat down again and pulled him into a comforting embrace, cautious not to touch the swelling on his back. His arms came up to hug my neck and he rested his head on my shoulder.

"Spill!" I told him and he did after a weary sigh.

"I went to see him this morning. I don't know what I wanted to achieve. Maybe I just wanted to tell him that he had won. As if he didn't know it already. Anyhow, I went there and he let me in. We spoke but he was so spiteful and superior with me when he told me that I deserved what I got for choosing to disgrace his family name and myself with my lifestyle."

"I tried to explain it to him once again that I didn't really choose to be homosexual but my words didn't seem to reach him. He told me that he thinks me disgusting and that he doesn't want to have to do anything with me. I told him that it is fine by me since I feel the same and thus I would be grateful if he didn't meddle with my life. At that he got angry with me for accusing him with having his hand in my "retirement". I didn't even mention that word."

"He became furious realizing that he had accidentally revealed himself so he tried to cover it with rage. He ranted about shame and reputation for a while and I think I made him more infuriated with my nonchalance. I just tried so hard not to show my anger."

"Then he told me that I am disowned and that he doesn't want a son like me, but this time he also showed me a formal decree that he prepared. He said I had a last chance. So if I promised to stop with my "disgusting activities" and marry the woman he chooses for me then he is willing to forget my past and the disgrace I brought upon him. If I obliged, then I was permitted to stay his son and eventually inherit his fortune but I had to move to another city. After the scandal I caused subsided, he was willing to use his connections, so I could play Go again professionally. And of course I wasn't allowed to see you ever again."

He stopped, his voice trembling slightly. I noticed that his hands gripped my shoulders so tightly that it hurt, but I didn't try to free myself from his hold. I didn't say anything. I waited for him to continue, for I was sure he wasn't done yet.

"I... I couldn't control myself anymore," he went into sobbing and I let him because he needed to let go. "I grabbed the front of his yukata and yelled at him that it would never happen and he could forget his little dream about playing the bloody forgiving parent and me being the remorseful, obedient son that does as he requests. That I don't give a damn about what people think about him because of me."

"I didn't want to hit him or anything like that. He is still my father after all. But he assumed that I would do that and wanted to defend himself." More like acting his anger out on him, I thought but didn't say one word. "He slammed me into the door post once or twice. Then my mother entered and he let me go."

He shuddered and I realized that he must be cold since he didn't have anything but pants and socks on. The swelling was just that - an ugly blue bruise but the skin wasn't broken, there was no blood. It wasn't in danger of infection. So I leaned back on the couch, put my feet on the other end pulling him over me and covered us with a blanket. It was a little too warm for me since I still had my jumper on, but I didn't care. He rested his head on my shoulder and I kept rubbing the small of his back under the blanket soothingly.

We let the silence linger for a while as neither one of us wanted to be the one to speak up. Though both of us knew there was something else to clear between us and it wouldn't do any good to ignore it any longer.

"Shindo," It was a strange thing for him to call me that after last night and the night before that. He must have realized that too because his voice faltered and then he went still again.

"Touya?" I said his name after a few seconds emphasizing it. He snorted at that.

"I don't think I go by that anymore. Remember? I am disowned."

"Are you nuts?" I rolled my eyes. He just shrugged at that. Then he sighed again. Here it comes - I thought. And I was right.

"I need you to answer something for me. Try to be serious." He waited for my answer that I gave him in form of a grunt then he spoke again. "I need to know what you think. How do you feel about me?"

I thought about that and didn't notice that the silence lasted longer. He thought I wouldn't answer. "I mean after what you did yesterday..." I knew he referred to the retiring part, not to anything else, "I think you understand that I need to know where we stand..." his voice sounded pained and anxious.

"I understand," I told him and felt him let out the breath he had held. It grazed my neck in a gentle puff that seemed to warm me deeper than just my skin. I felt an urge to smile and I didn't hold it back despite the seriousness of the topic.

I took a deep breath. "You want to know why I told them yesterday that if you have to retire I am also going to?" He nodded and his longish tresses brushed against my neck. "It's quite simple, really. You are the reason why I play go in the first place. If you are not there, what reason do I have to continue?"

He lifted his head and looked at me with an indignant frown. "You have plenty of reasons! You should have..."

I let out a half-grin and shrugged "Yeah, I know. I could have other players to play against, to try to beat for titles and 'achieve the Hand of God' with. But I don't care about other people. You were my rival ever since I knew what Go is. I wanted to reach you, to show you that I exist. Anything else was just extra." Sorry, Sai, I thought, I didn't mean you.

He looked at me now with a more concerned expression. "I don't understand..." he said slowly.

I felt the corner of my mouth jerk again and I snorted. "Of course you do," I told him and I saw in his eyes that as a matter of fact he did.

"But that's not the only reason why I did it," I continued after a few seconds pause. His glance became very intense all at once. I gulped - this was the part I'd have gladly avoided but there was no going back now.

"As for my feelings for you, I still don't know what the proper term is. I don't know if it is what's called love. I don't get the proverbial 'fluttering butterflies'-feeling in my stomach every time when I think about you or when I'm with you - aside from sex I mean..." I felt my face flush. His eyes became distant and I could see the hurt in them my words had caused. That hadn't been my intention; I had to get him to understand.

"But I cannot imagine being without you. Back there when I thought about how it would be when you left - for I knew that you wouldn't stay after what they did to you... forcing you to quit playing Go I mean - I felt empty. It was the same feeling I got when you told me you got your own apartment - since I didn't know you intended for me to move in here with you - only now it was thousand times worse..." I was babbling and I knew it. This emotion crap was never my strong side.

"Ah! To hell with it!" I exclaimed, having become frustrated with my clumsiness, and he jerked away a little in reaction. He couldn't go far though, due to my hand on the small of his back holding him firmly in the place.

"What I meant to say is, you are my rival, you are my friend but there is definitely more to it. I just can't give it a name yet. And I don't want you to leave, and I don't want to live without you."

He looked at me, stupefied. But then his expression changed gradually to a serious glare. He was assessing me for what seemed the longest time in my life. "I won't leave," he said solemnly. "And after what you just said, don't expect me to let you leave. Not in the near future at least. I can promise that since now I know this, you won't get rid of me easily."

His glare could have ignited an icicle - or vaporized it for that matter. But then his mouth twitched and his body reeled with poorly contained laughter. And then he burst out, pulling me with him. Our mirth seemed a bit hysterical but neither of us cared. It was a sign of feeling relieved - on my side at least.

"Fine by me," I told him after we both calmed down. He looked at me with hooded eyes that seemed just a bit too glistening but before he could embarrass himself he seized my lips with his own in a feverish kiss that soon turned determined but slowed down at once.

We lay there for nearly an hour kissing and groping a bit, but doing nothing more. I wouldn't call it fooling around. The act had a desperate tang to it and seemed bloody serious to degrade it as such. If his intention was to kiss me senseless, he achieved his goal. But I doubt that it was so simple. I think he wanted reassurance, nothing more - nothing less. Hell, I wanted it myself, so I could understand. I could indeed.

After what seemed like an eternity just lying there in each other's arms he got up and went to use the bathroom. I stood up to start making dinner for us when I heard the bell at the door. I looked at the clock - it was nearly eight. Not even Waya would drop by so late without calling before. I went to open the door and froze in the moment I caught sight of the black-haired woman standing there. She too seemed surprised and her face reddened a bit with something I couldn't make out. But her voice sounded determined.

"Shindo-san! I apologize for bothering you so late and visiting without forewarning, but I must speak to Akira-san, please!" That was the moment I realized who she was. I recognized her voice and the distinct resemblance in her features. Touya Akiko.

I took a step backwards and let her in without a word, motioning her towards the living room. After I had locked the door again, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror and immediately understood her slight discomposure. My hair was rumpled and my clothes wrinkled, my shirt half pulled out of my trousers - in short, I looked like someone who did just what we had been doing only a few moments ago. I tucked my shirt back in, pulled on the wrinkles in my clothes and tried to flatten my hair to get rid of the 'ravished' appearance, but it was a lost cause. So I hurried after her and offered her a seat in one of the chairs - I felt my face burn when I followed her glance and took in the appearance of the couch.

That was the exact moment when Akira came in from the bathroom. Apparently he hadn't heard the doorbell ring because he was still shirtless, but at least his hair was freshly combed. There was a slight curve to the corner his mouth and he looked relaxed, contented even. But the moment he caught sight of his mother he abruptly erected his shields and put a mask of indifference on his face.

"Mother..." he greeted her and she promptly got up from the chair stepping close and pulling him into a gentle, loving hug. Touya was dazed at first but then lifted his arms to her shoulders and reciprocated it. His face relaxed again but still bore a slight frown of confusion and awareness.

Their embrace lasted only a few tentative moments. After that she pulled away and looked at her son's face in a reassuring, understanding way. Touya looked back at her steadily, and the tension slowly evaporated from his muscles, the stern expression easing from his face. Seeing that, she tried a shaky smile, but she failed to put up a brave face, and the tears, which had made her eyes glossy, began to flow freely down her cheeks. Her lips trembled, and then broke into a stuttering apology.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you earlier. I should have opposed your father the first time he hit you and drove you away. I should have supported you against him, but I was too much of a coward to even behave like a mother should... I'm sorry."

Touya put his hand on her shoulder again and led her to the couch where they sat down. They didn't seem to be concerned by my presence and I didn't know what to do, so I stayed there silently, unmoving, observing. I was glad she had come.

"Don't worry, mother, I understand..." Touya started to say, but she shook her head. She calmed down a bit and looked up at me. "I'm sorry, could I use the bathroom?"

"Of course, Touya-san," I told her and Touya stood up to show her the way. I used the opportunity to slip out into the kitchen and make tea. I heard footsteps behind me as I put up the water to brew and I couldn't suppress a little yelp when I felt his arms encircling my waist, but his warm weight felt good against my back.

"Do you want me to leave you two alone?" I asked while I prepared the cups and put the sugar on the tray.

"No, I want you to be there as does mother. She told me to thank you for inviting her earlier. You haven't told me about that."

I turned to look at him. He had put his shirt back on. "It was after we moved in. But she told me she couldn't come - or at least she let it sound like that. I thought it was a silly idea, and I didn't want you to feel bad because she turned me down, so I didn't tell you."

He nodded. There was a noise of the bathroom door closing and he went back into the living room. I waited for the water to boil, and after it did I followed them with the tray.

I saw Touya had put away the blanket and smoothed down the rumpled couch before he came out to me and now he was sitting on it while she sat on a chair. They were conversing quietly about how she was always following his game records and telling her friends about his progress when her husband wasn't present. They were waiting for me to come back before the 'real conversation', it seemed. She looked proud of her son and didn't appear to be troubled by his being gay, like some people who tried but couldn't really conceal their anxiety.

I put down the tray and there was a silence until everyone made his or her tea. I sat down on the other end of the couch but Touya immediately grabbed my arm and pulled me closer. We ended up sitting so close, I could feel the play of his muscles trough the thin material of our trousers, my arm encircling his waist (there wasn't really space to put it elsewhere), him reclining half on my shoulder, his hand resting on my thigh. I was a little stunned by his blunt display and glanced at Touya-san, but she only smiled at us fondly like there was nothing wrong with two men sitting together and groping each other like a horny teenaged couple. I hoped I wasn't blushing, but I couldn't tell for certain. I turned my head towards Touya and saw the tight set of his jaw and the determined fire in his eyes. So he wanted to provoke a reaction from his mother, I realized. But when he got nothing that indicated her disapproval he loosened up a bit and removed his hand to clasp his fingers around his cup.

Mrs. Touya looked at him, then at me and said, "Thank you for having taken care of my son when I wasn't there." She looked down on her own hands resting atop her lap and continued.

"I am here today for two reasons. One is to tell you that you two have my consent and my support even if I have to oppose my husband. You can always come to me. I want to be a part of my son's life and I have decided to act on it from now on. The other one is to tell you something about your father that may help you to understand his reasons for treating you like that ever since you told him about your preference, Akira-san."

I felt Touya go rigid under my arm and I started to rub the small of his back soothingly. Mrs. Touya also must have felt the change of air because she looked up at him. Her glance was serious and hard.

"I don't want to defend him. Before you misunderstand, I want to state that I don't agree with his actions under any condition. Even if I know where he is coming from."

Touya relaxed again and nodded at her. She didn't want to play pacemaker between her husband and her son, only wanted him to know why he was treated like that. She blinked and looked down again, this time at the slow curls of steam rising up from her cup of tea.

"You have to understand that your father isn't aware that I know what I am about to tell you, so you must not mention it to him, ever. He told it to me once when he was intoxicated, at a time before our marriage. He had this friend from the town he was born and grew up in visiting him after he took his professional exams. We were celebrating with other new professionals and their company, and I think this friend of his didn't know we were engaged. He was also... homosexual, and he tried a move on your father. It was a harmless thing, really, but he reacted almost violently and we left the scene shortly after. That was when he told me about his childhood."

She stopped to take a sip from the tea and then put it back on the tray and continued to speak. Her eyes were cast into the distance as if she was seeing what she was telling about in her mind's eye.

"He was about twelve years old when it happened. His father had a friend who was visiting their family regularly, once or twice a week. His mother and his father considered him a close friend of the family and even let him take your father out to fishing or the amusement park on occasions. This friend sometimes spent the night there too, because he lived a little further away and they had a big house with several guestrooms."

As I was listening to her, a sense of foreboding told me, where this story was going, and my stomach tightened into a knot. I felt Touya's fingers twitch, and I'm sure, we were thinking along the same lines. I didn't want to hear (and even more for him to hear) that his father had been subjected to child abuse, but neither of us had the audacity to speak up. So we just sat there holding on to each other and hang on her words, dreading what was about to come, but not willing to miss a thing, like little children who were told a ghost story.

"Once he woke up in the middle of the night and went out to drink some water and saw light coming from his father's room - his parents had separate bedrooms, but that wasn't unusual. So he went there and found the door ajar. He heard voices and looked in and he caught his father with his friend in the middle of... well, you can imagine." Her gaze flashed at my fingers resting comfortably on Touya's midriff I had no doubts about just what she must have been thinking in that moment.

"He was scared because he realized what he was seeing. Still, he managed to leave without them noticing he was there. He didn't speak about what he had witnessed to anyone. After that he started spy on his father and this friend, and from their behavior he concluded that it wasn't a one-time occurrence. They had been involved for a long time and continued their relationship right under his mother's nose.

"He was infuriated with his father for pretending to love his mother and pursuing a clandestine affair behind her back with a man, no less. Their marriage was an arranged one, but he still felt that his father had an obligation to love and be faithful to his mother and no one else. And this so-called friend violated the sanctimony of their family. He hated them for doing that to his mother and started to sneak upon them regularly. Once he saw his mother in the night walking around the corridor, but when she got to his father's bedroom and heard the voices she didn't come to look for their source just turned her back and left quickly.

"So he learnt that his mother was aware of what was between her husband and their family friend. The next day he questioned her about it when they were alone, and she tried to explain to him that his father was not to be blamed. He had fulfilled his duty as a husband with his conception, and since the marriage was conducted against his will, she felt, she didn't have the right to demand more from him - things he couldn't grant her. She was content with her son and her husband's love - even if it wasn't the love he should have given to his wife. But they were happy in a way and lived in understanding."

"Of course your father was too young to understand that, he started to hate his father even more for deceiving his mother and forcing her to live a life in shame. Then she died when he was twenty and your father severed all connection with your grandfather.

"I think he still sees it like that, that his father betrayed their family by having a relationship with someone else - and the fact that this someone was a man determined his whole attitude against homosexuality. I remember the fervent hate with which he spoke about his father. It was the same fervor in his voice and eyes when he spoke about you after your revelation to him."

She bowed her head. "I'm sorry, son, but I don't think he will ever be able to accept you the way you are. Maybe not even if you promised him you would change your lifestyle. I know how much he meant to you when you were younger and that it must have been hard on you. Still, I don't think he deserves your efforts of reconciliation. You shouldn't give up what you feel is the right thing or the right person," she inclined her head in my direction and let her eyes connect with mine for a second, "for you to earn somebody's forgiveness who treated you like that. Even if this somebody is your father."

Touya blinked slowly and I saw his Adam's apple moving as he swallowed the bitter pill. His mother went silent, her hands trembled slightly as she raised her cup to her lips. Touya looked down at his hands and didn't say anything. I observed him silently while I was thinking about the things I'd heard. The next one to speak again was Touya-san, her voice soft with concern and emotion.

"Did you think about what you will do now, since you both have officially quit playing Go?"

Touya looked up at her and I found it would be better if he spoke, so I let him. "No, we haven't spoken about that yet."

The truth was that neither of us had ever thought about a future that didn't involve playing Go. Neither of us had had to. Since he was little, it had been understood that he would follow in his father's footsteps. And I, meeting Sai and later chasing after Touya, it was a natural transition that let me become what I was. It never occurred me that once I would have to give up all that. To do anything else seemed unthinkable, and I knew neither of us could live with all connections severed to Go. Still, I knew I could always play him when I wanted to, and be a thousand times more content with it than playing professional Go in a world devoid of Touya Akira. And besides, it wasn't like we had to think about taking a job immediately. I had some savings on my bank account and was fairly sure that he had more than he needed. It wasn't enough for us to live without having anything to do for our remaining life, but it was enough for a couple of years, even if I had to support ourselves from my money alone - which he would never consent to.

I looked at him and felt that the same thoughts had occurred to him at the same time. He looked up at me and smiled that little confident smile again that he had worn earlier upon exiting the bathroom, and it told me that he didn't care, as long as he could have me. As long as it would be the two of us against... whatever may come.

I felt a strange throb in my throat that I had only ever felt before when he had made me worry - or after I had realized that Sai was gone. But this time it wasn't followed by misery and hollowness in my chest. I felt warmth flooding my face, my pulse drumming in my ears and... what had I been saying before, about the absence of butterflies in my stomach? Apparently I hadn't known what I was talking about.

I wanted to kiss him right then and there, before the eyes of his mother, but I restrained myself to a hug that was reciprocated with a strange fervor. After a few seconds Touya extricated himself of my arms, his face now red with embarrassment - mine must have been mirroring the color. He laced our fingers together and let me hold his hand for the rest of the evening.

Touya's mum stayed for another half hour and we talked about mundane things and she refrained from asking further questions about how we planned to proceed with our lives. We shoved her around the apartment and she praised the interior design, though it was mostly put together from pieces of our old furnishings. Then she thanked us for having her and left. It was late by then and we only had a late dinner consisting of sandwiches before going straight to bed.

TBC.

A/N: The second part of this chapter will be up next week. Please, review! 


	10. Far Away Concerns II

-

Chapter 05/2

Far Away Concerns

by Stray

19. 08. 2004 - 02.01.2005

rating: R

Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.

Warnings: bad English, less angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi, serious Fluff-warning!

Minor spoilers of the last two volumes of the manga

Pairing: HxA, IxW mentioned

Betas: Quirk-san and Anne-san (and MS Word but that doesn't really count, does it?)

-

We didn't do much for days after that. Didn't venture out of the apartment for more than a fast grocery shopping, and even for that I convinced him that it would be better if I went alone. I brought the newest papers and was glad that I didn't see his face on the front pages anymore. We unplugged the phone line and programmed our cells so we only got the calls from stored numbers. We didn't get many of them, apart from the attempts of reassurance from Waya and Isumi and my mum's inquiries if everything was okay and if we needed anything. I was grateful for her inconspicuous use of the plural that meant she wanted to help us and not just me, her son.

One morning, when we woke up in each other's arms, we could almost pretend that it was like our honeymoon and not us trying to hide in our own little hole from the world that didn't have any use for us anymore. We indulged in the previously rarely practiced art of sleeping in and sex in the morning, with the sweat from the exertions of the previous night still dried on our skins. I haven't had so much sex ever before, but I couldn't say there was a chance of me getting tired of it in the foreseeable future, much less of the person I was having it with.

On some of the long nights, when I lay by his side, touching the firm planes of his chest, I was wondering if it was normal not to remember what touching a woman's chest felt like. If it was normal that touching him at other places, where his body was so distinctly male, had become so natural and more than desired in such a short time. That to compare his body with that of a woman felt so wrong, but not because of the awkwardness I should have felt when I really thought about having sex with a male, or because I had fallen onto the other side of the hedge and was disgusted ever having touched a woman. No, I was still indifferent in that issue. It just felt wrong to think about anyone else, even faceless strangers, when he was there and I was with him.

In a way it was good that we had time to explore the changes in our relationship, and didn't have to squeeze this into our busy everyday lifes. I could think about things, and let my mind filter through all the new sensations and feelings. It became so very clear, and I saw now that he had known for years, that there was no place for another person in my life. He was my rival, the only person I could think of when I played Go, and nearly the only one when I didn't. There was no place for anyone else in my mind. Sure, I had friends and my family, whom I loved. But there was no one else whom I could have a chance to get to know and understand, look up to and be afraid of, be proud of and be content with, but Touya Akira. It was just natural to extend this relationship onto every aspect of our lives. Or as the popular belief suggests, it was impossible to know someone so thoroughly and not feel anything for them. Oh hell! I had so many theories just why things had developed into what they had, and none of them felt quite right. But all of them pointed to one conclusion, and that conclusion was impossible to ignore. And I found that I didn't want to ignore it. I accepted it freely and with reverence.

It just was so bloody hard to say it out loud, those three words, so I tried my damnest to show him how I felt. And I think I succeeded. He didn't expect me to repeat the 'L'-word whenever he said it to me. There was always the hope in his eyes that I would, but he didn't act offended when I didn't. I knew it hurt him, but I just couldn't say it freely, to this very day.

The days of blissful ignorance didn't last for more than a week. We both started to feel restless, and not even a game of Go helped. (That week set two records for me: having the most sex in my life, and having spent the most time with Touya without touching the stones. Oh, and I don't remember ever before having felt the need to shower thrice a day, but that was just a consequence of the first, so it doesn't really count.) So we started to speak about what we would like to do with our lives. We agreed that whatever it would be, it would be something related to Go - professional or otherwise. We didn't have enough money to open a Go salon, not to speak about that we like playing go, not receiving money for letting other people play. We also liked teaching, but it was unlikely that any of our former pupils' families would consider employing us after the scandal that went all over the media. Finally we ended up giving a call to everyone who we thought still cared for us, asking if they knew something for us, but of course we received only well-meant but startled negatives. (The only one who really thought about it was Amano-san, who offered a column in Weekly Go, but all of us understood that with our current reputation it wasn't likely that he could persuade the publisher to employ any one of us. Not that I am any good with words, but Touya's style was always more than acceptable.)

Concerning the media, Isumi told us, even Touya's disowning had made it to the news. And since I had quit with him, I was made out the scapegoat, and he was made out a slut. Our living together only propelled the protestants to be louder and the fabricated scandals wilder. Some of the stories got published even in the foreign press.

I received a phone call from my mother one afternoon. She was , she trying to convince me that she didn't believe one word of what was said or written, but I could hear my dad in the background shouting and cursing 'those bastards' (my mother hurried to assure me that he meant the media workers and not us) and I heard her stifle a sob. Her voice sounded as if she had just stopped crying, but was on the verge to start again. I could get her to calm down just enough to invite them over the next day so we could clear things.

I hadn't realized that we were not alone in that situation and how hard it must have been on our families, too. I didn't feel sorry for Touya's dad, but I could imagine what his mother had had to endure and I was suddenly glad, my grandpa hadn't lived to see that day. Now I had to tell Touya what I had arranged without his consent, but he was surprisingly understanding and calm, even after I told him that I planned to reveal everything. He just nodded and told me that it was the least he could do for my parents. I was pleasantly surprised, as I hadn't known he cared for them that much. Well, I shouldn't have been, given that he had known them for years (we had spent Christmas at my old house). But as he later told me, he did it partly to reciprocate my assistance in calling his mother, because, he wasn't sure things would have worked out between them had I not done that, and I couldn't convince him of the opposite.

Next day we made dinner and when my parents arrived, we ate in silence. The atmosphere was strained and none of us had much of an appetite. After the meal Touya made tea and we sat down in the living room, much like we'd done with Touya's mum the week before. Touya was again possessive, but not behaving so provocatively against my parents. He contented himself with sitting next to me and lacing our fingers together. After that time with his mother I had discovered that he liked holding hands; not in public, but in the company of people close to us. It felt somehow secure and intimate, so I wasn't averse to it.

We had agreed that he would be the one telling the story. I knew he was feeling anxious and ashamed of the things he had done with strangers. I thought he wanted to tell it because he feared that I would tell more of the embarrassing details than it was strictly necessarily;, and maybe to make it sound a little less wrong. To make my parents understand that he wasn't doing these things because he found a forbidden pleasure in them, and that he had changed and wouldn't do it again. To make them feel sympathy for him and let them see that our relationship wasn't 'evil' and he wasn't 'bad for me'.

How wrong I was! He told them everything, unconcealed, unadorned, in its naked reality. He sat there, squeezing my fingers numb, gaze firmly fixed on our entwined hands, and talked flowingly, without stopping or correcting himself. His voice was a bit raw, but even, devoid of any feeling, as if he was reading a news report. Like it wasn't his life that was on the table. He hid his fear behind objectivity. But his words were clearly stating that he knew all too well that it was him who had committed all those things, and he shouldered the blame without having second thoughts. It was like a confession. And he needed it. Needed to tell it someone unaffected, even if this someone would condemn him for what he had done and most likely never want to have anything to do with him again. I had a distinct feeling that behind all this, he wanted me to understand fully what I was in, as if he was having doubts that I really understood. I was hoping that he didn't.

I was so immersed in my thoughts about him, I didn't even realize when he finished his speech. I looked up at the silence and surveyed my parents. My dad was shocked and my mum was in tears. But she looked more sympathetic and willing to understand.

"But… why?" she asked in a low voice that reminded me of the phone call that prompted this evening's confessions.

Touya looked up for the first time. His face seemed shrunken and his eyes were so big and dark. It was the first time that his tone betrayed what he must have felt the whole time.

"I don't know." It sounded so final. And it was his only answer. He could recite everything that had happened with a surgical accuracy, but he couldn't think of a plausible reason behind it all. He just looked at my mother for several very silent seconds.

I let out a heavy breath and, grasping his wrist gently with my other hand, extricated my poor crushed fingers from his loosened grip. His palm was warm and sweaty against mine. He looked up at me as I lifted the arm that was closer to him and pulled him into an embrace. His back was rigid and his muscles were strained, so I rubbed them a bit with my palm. My other hand let go of his wrist, rested his hand on my knee, caressing his spread fingers.

"I think I know why…" I said softly, looking not at my parents but into his eyes. He blinked once and then nodded nearly imperceptibly, encouraging me to tell. And I did. I told him (and my parents) everything of what I thought the reason was: that he had suppressed his feelings; he felt lonely, since his father had all but abandoned him, that; he had to pretend to be something he wasn't, and had fought too hard to retain his control and couldn't continue fighting forever. He had to break, and when he did… at least he had the sense to come to me, even after I had rejected him. And thank God, he didn't do drugs or alcohol.

I don't know how long I spoke. But he looked at me the whole time, almost without blinking and his face went real pale and his lips pressed together into a straight line. After I stopped speaking, he still looked at me for a while, getting paler, and then the corner of his mouth started to tremble, as if he was about to faint. But he didn't.

"That was… that was… How did you…? When even I didn't…? And why didn't you tell me before?" He stood up, his shoulders trembling, and ran out into my old bedroom - our bedroom now.

I looked at my parents, told them that I would be back soon and went after him. He sat on the bed, facing the window. I went to sit next to him and comfort him. I thought he was crying, but he wasn't. He glanced at me and seemed much calmer than he had been just a few seconds before.

"I… sorry I haven't told you," I stuttered dreadfully. "I just somehow thought that you…"

He smiled that secret little smile at me. "That I knew?" I nodded, puzzled. "No, I… I didn't. Thank you." He kissed me softly, and I was so relieved that he wasn't mad at me that I totally forgot about my parents waiting out there and tackled him down onto the bed, trying to smooch him into next Sunday. After a few blissful minutes he pushed me away, laughing - I had rarely heard him laugh before.

We went back into the living room after tidying ourselves. My parents were a little shell-shocked, but seemed to accept what he had told and started to warm up to him again. We drank our tea and then, because neither of us had eaten much previously, we decided to have a second dinner because "we couldn't let all that food go bad", as my dad said. I have to say that it went much better than the first one. I opened a bottle of wine and that loosened the mood significantly.

After they were gone, I asked Touya if he hadn't wanted to tell this his mother, but his answer was that she knew already. She had known it from the beginning. But she didn't understand. I was the only one who did. And then it dawned on me, that he hadn't thanked me before because I had told him the reason why he had done those things back then, more like because I had understood him when no one else did.

Then came the butterflies again.

-

It was in the middle of the next week that something unforeseen happened, that determined our ensuing lives. We got a call from Amano-san that there were a couple of American journalists inquiring after us. I don't know how he succeeded to talk us into meeting them for an interview - that was the first time after everything had blown up around us that both of us left the apartment together.

We met in a restaurant - not overly pompous, just a neat, quiet place with separate boxes for the tables, so we weren't exposed. The reporters turned out to be a man and a woman, and she looked like one of her parents was Japanese. Amano-san had agreed to accompany them, so I wasn't the only one who couldn't speak English fluently, but it turned out that Amano-san was still a lot better than me. Fortunately I didn't really have to speak, Touya spoke for me too. The conversation lasted nearly three hours.

Surprisingly, they didn't ask about the scandals that had prompted our abrupt leaving of the Japanese Go professionals' society. They asked about our respective careers, about the tournaments we had participated in, the outcomes of matches we had played against Japan's more prominent players, even the Hokuto-cups though they were more than seven years in the past. The only question remotely connected to our private life was if we really were living together as a couple. As we didn't think anything of the question, we answered it according to the truth.

After that, they gave a look to each other. The woman nodded once, and looking at me once again asked in fractured Japanese:

"Shindo-san, do you speak English?"

I was a bit surprised and could only nod. Touya laughed and told them that I had learnt a bit of both English and Korean. And I nodded again, but his laugh prompted me to smile.

After that they thanked us for the interview and we finished our meals with idle conversation. They were somehow intrigued, when we asked about the Go-life in the States, but at that time we didn't know why. When we said good-bye to each other, they promised that they would remain in contact, and send us a copy of the magazine where the interview would be printed.

A week passed, and though we had made that agreement about staying in contact, we didn't anticipate hearing of them so soon. We thought it was just a form of politeness. We were invited to that restaurant again including Amano-san, but this time they haven't said anything about an interview. We decided to go - it wasn't much of a discussion as we both wanted to.

We ordered lunch, and spent the time with conversation again until after the desserts. As the last plate was cleared away from our table, and the ordered bottle of wine arrived, the man (his name was Edward Simons and he followed our future career for a good while) turned toward us and started to speak slowly so I too could understand what he said.

"We have a proposition to you, gentlemen. I am a journalist, but also the secretary of the Go League of the United States. I have authorization to offer the two of you full American citizenship and a place in the League. We offer a place to live for both of you, and a contract for three years. Here are the official documents." He pushed a thick folder towards us and continued in the astounded silence. "We don't expect an answer now, you have time to think it through, look at the contract and other documents, discuss it with your family and - I suppose - between the two of you. The contracts are individual and don't require that both of you accept it, I'm just saying it because we didn't really know what arrangements we should make - with all those… stories currently on the media…" he looked down and frowned, then looked back up, his gaze alternating between at us repeatedly. "Khm.. yes. So we await your answer by the twenty-seventh, that's nearly two weeks time. I hope that will be enough time to make a decision."

I don't really remember what happened afterwards. We were both shocked a bit. They thanked us for our time and left us with Amano-san. When he got back to our table after escorting the Americans to the nearest taxi stand, we had already started to read the papers they had left for us - that is, Touya read them and I tried to peer into them over his shoulder. Finally, he got tired of my constant questioning, put the stack before us on the table, pulled me closer with his arm on my hips, and started to translate the sentences aloud.

It turned out that Amano-san, too, hadn't known that they didn't want just an interview. He had only known that they seemed seriously interested in our professional track and not our assumed private life. He had thought some positive press could be useful for us. Well, it was useful.

We gnawed through all the official papers; Waya had a friend who was a lawyer and was able to look them through for us. Then we spoke with our families - Touya with his mum and I with my parents, who had mixed feelings about us going away to another country, but at last saw that it was better for us than stay and stew in our own juices. As for us - it never was a question if we wanted to go. It was a new, unexpected but all the more treasured opportunity to play again, against each other, be with each other.

On the twenty-third we informed them that we were accepting the proposition. Our citizenship was settled within a month and they told us that they had several houses on sale that we could look at and decide which one we wanted to move in - or name another one of our choosing within the specified prize range.

Our plane was leaving on the twenty-fourth of the following month, and both of our parents and our remaining friends were there to see us off. It was only twelve years later that we set our feet on the land of Japan again.

TBC: Epilogue

A/N: Sorry, I couldn't post it sooner; RL has derived me of my net access. (Meaning: my boss was all over my shoulder the whole week long.) Ok, there is only the epilogue. I have parts of it written, and I will try to put in a lemon scene, if I don't f it up. :)


	11. Epilogue

Concerning Him - Epilogue

by Stray

19. 08. 2004 - 02.01.2005

rating: R

Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.

Warnings: bad English, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi, Fluff-warning!

Pairing: HxA, IxW mentioned

Betaed by Quirk othe Trade

A/N: this is the R-rated version. The NC-17 rated version can be found on my homepage or at mediaminer . org

We have lived in the USA and played for the national team for years. Meanwhile and after that, we have traveled quite a lot around too - have played in other countries like Canada, Australia, China, I can't possibly list all of them.

They were good years. No one questioned us about why we had to leave Japan and why 'professionals of our caliber' would want to play for another country. People had been quite thoughtful, of course they had to if they didn't want us to leave after they had gone to such lengths to get us. We were almost instantly initiated into the American Go league, where we soon realized that we were amongst the best players, though Go didn't have such tradition there like in Japan and people didn't have such opportunities to learn to play. It wasn't a national sport like at home, so people, who weren't players, didn't take it that seriously. Being a Go professional was a less acknowledged profession than participating in trading card competitions. Most of the people in the league had an eight-hour job next to being a Go player and we two were the odd ones out. Not that we had to take other jobs to live, our hosts were most generous about our payment; we didn't have to worry, even without the game prizes.

We have advanced quickly and not even two years have passed when we already competed in the top league. The games were exciting and the Go-related events involved lots of traveling, which both of us enjoyed very much. We had a surprisingly large number of invitations. I think, our attraction for the event organizers lay more in our oriental looks than our actual skills in Go.

The best thing though, after having the opportunity to play Go again, was that we could show ourselves in public together – as in _being_ together. In most parts of the States people didn't care about our orientation. Since we weren't switching our partners regularly and weren't involved in any kind of scandals, our living together became old news that didn't interest anyone anymore. Except once, when we had a request from a homosexual organization, which asked us to become their poster couple. We nearly accepted, but then we were told that they would release our naked photos in some monthly magazine and that wasn't something any of us particularly wished for. I still remember Akira – I think I can call him that, since by now no one would be surprised that in private I don't call him on his family name, right? –throwing shoes at and chasing out the photographer of our garden, who didn't want to understand that his presence was unwanted, and he wouldn't get his pictures.

After five or so years international competitions provided the only challenge. In the US league we played half of the time against each other and the other half against a small circle of players, who we had already known so well that the games didn't provide us real contentment. We both knew that our performance was strongly influenced by this feeling of dissatisfaction, and felt restless. So after eight years we quit and decided to try in other countries as well. We didn't play for their professional teams, but we played their top players in semi official games and still got to play in international games in the American team. But somehow it has all become empty.

On our travels we have met with several of our old friends, who – not surprisingly – have risen in ranks while we were away. We held large get-together parties on the last night of our stay, and swapped stories from our 'new home' for accounts of what happened in our old one. We always had a great time, but usually both of us felt depressed and homesick for several days afterwards. It always seemed, as if life back home has turned out more interesting and worth living than ours. Probably because that was home. And most likely – because we weren't there. It seemed as if the things that really counted were happening there and not where we were. As time has past, we felt more and more secluded from the pulse of the Go world.

Ten years past of our leaving home, my aunt (the sister of my mother) suddenly died. I was requested to appear at the funeral, and Akira started to pack our trunks without a question. We were both excited to be able to come home again, even if on such a sad occasion. I was still speaking with my mother on the phone, and mentioned her that we would arrive the next day. I remember it clearly. Her voice drifted off for a second, and then she asked me if I intended to bring Akira to the funeral too. I said, 'of course', and then she started to stutter lightly. It turned out that it would be more desirable if I hadn't come at all than bringing my male lover with me to a family gathering of this type.

I was angry with her for weeks afterwards, and I don't really have to mention that we didn't go anywhere. After I had put down the receiver, I asked Akira to put everything back from our trunks. I could tell that he was disappointed, even before I had explained the reason. He had really wanted to go home, even if it was only for a few days. He even mentioned it to Waya, who called me, and ended up speaking with Akira as I wasn't home at that time.

I don't know if that conversation had been the cause, but the story leaked out to the press and caused a scandal a few weeks after that. My mother called me again to tell me about it, and we reconciled again. Of course, I had known before she apologized that it really hadn't been her fault, that if she have had a say in it, I could have brought Akira with me. But the older members of our family were still ignorant and condemning about the existence of a same-sex relationship within the family.

The occasion though, had unexpected results – good results for us. Because even if it didn't seem so, the world still had changed in ten years, and the scandal had influenced the public opinion about us – this time in our favor. And now…

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

_"Akira! Are you ready now?" I yell, and lean back on my chair. He steps out of the shower wearing his bathrobe. His hair is clinging wetly onto his temple and shoulders, though he combed it before. He doesn't like to use the hair dryer, says it makes his scalp dry and itchy._

_"Are you finished with it now?" he asks nodding towards the notebook that I have shut down just in that minute._

_"Not yet, but almost," I answer grinning, and head towards the bath to take my shower. "But that can wait." I brush him on my way, touching his crotch lightly through the robe, untying its sash in the process. He scowls lightly, recognizing my intentions with him. Even if he hadn't known me intimately for more than a decade, I couldn't have been more blatant._

_"But think of tomorrow! I don't want to be tired and I don't want you to be tired either!" he yells after me upon my closing the bathroom door._

_"I won't tire you out! I just want to make sure that tomorrow both of us are relaxed and devoid of any unnecessary… tension," I shout back through the door – I am aware that my reasoning couldn't be more transparent, but if he wanted me to lay off, he would have said so. _

_I just hope the neighbors feel adequately entertained by us not to call the police. Damn, I always forget that the walls are thin and people here, though appearing more generous towards other people's indiscretions as in the States, still like to listen, even when they pretend not to. The apartment is still new. A month before we still lived in a hotel suite. Not because we didn't want to settle down permanently, but because Akira has wanted to get an apartment similar to our old one before we moved to the States. Funny, I have always thought he would want a house, like the one he has grown up in._

_While in thoughts, I start the water, step under the stream and clean myself accurately. I want to rush to him, but being clean is more than worth the time if I think what is about to follow soon, so I proceed to towel myself dry and then hurry into the bedroom._

_I find Akira stretched out on the king-sized bed. His hair has nearly dried, cascading all over the pillow and his naked chest in shiny waves. He has visited a hairdresser just the day before we boarded the plane, but, thanks to my irresistible charms over him, I could talk him out of cutting it short. So it reaches below his shoulders, but instead of making him look feminine, combined with his sharp features, it gives him a wildness when he wears it loose like now, and a very cultured look when he ties it together into a sleek ponytail. And I just love the feel of it everywhere on my body - well, except in my mouth._

_I drop the towel that I have held around my waist, since it is too small to have wrapped around me properly. He draws a sharp breath, looking at me, and I grin, knowing the reaction was purposely overplayed. Nonetheless, it fuels my desire further, as I am already every bit excited, just by having thought of him while in the shower. He has the blanket covering his lower half, but since the material is thin, I can see every clear cut line of his body through it. I can tell that he is hard, too._

_"I want you in me," he tells me, eyes blazing with desire, even if his lazy movements as he stretches his muscles and makes the blanket slide down a bit, revealing the tip of his erection try to convince me otherwise. Does he think I wouldn't notice that he did it on purpose?_

_"But it's your turn now," I pretend to be surprised, not that I am really. It is true that we take turns, but he likes to bottom and does so twice as often as topping. I am not the one to deny him; I like it both ways as long as I can have him._

_I step beside the bed and yank the blanket down of Akira, dumping it into a pile at his feet. I don't do anything for a few seconds apart from taking in the sight of him._

_His skin is smooth and hairless at most places. As we got older, his body started to sprout a few hairs around his nipples and scattered about on his stomach, and he got obsessed with plucking them out. The next thing I knew, he got nearly his entire body depilated, and took to doing it regularly. Not that I am complaining, of course! I just wished he would stop pestering me about wanting me to do the same. I relented a few times when he got too unbearable, but God, it hurt! I don't know how he can stand it. Not to mention that I am not keen about strangers seeing and touching certain body parts of mine. So we made the compromise that it would be him doing it and only at places that make personal hygiene easier and certain activities more enjoyable for the both of us._

_When I can't stand any more to just look at Akira, I crouch down next to his middle section and put my palm on his stomach, lightly caressing the skin, but not touching anything else. He enjoys it for a while, but then he gets restless and growls lightly. I push him back onto the bed as he tries to sit up to grab me and pull me down with him, but I follow my hand and place a light kiss onto his awaiting lips. He complains when I pull up too soon, and I smirk at his impatience, since I know it actually turns him on. And I would be lying if I said it doesn't do anything to me._

_I let my fingers wander lightly from his shoulder over his chest and nipples. He isn't very receptive to nipple stimulation during sex, but I know I can drive him crazy with light strokes before I actually begin to touch him at other places. His skin starts to flush, and I lift my other hand from his stomach to stroke down his smooth legs and then up again, touching the sensitive skin of his inner thighs, coaxing them to open a bit. He shuts his eyes and throws his head back in a lazy, humming pleasure and smiles._

_"Come on, don't tease me any longer!" he breathes. He knows that I always react at this husky tone of his the same way. He knows - and I can feel it; the warmth gathering between my thighs shoots directly into my dick. I shudder as I feel the tension get more and more unbearable by every second I'm not touching Akira with everything I have._

_I cannot restrain myself anymore and give up the attempt of taking it slow. I start kissing the place where my fingers stroked his thigh and proceed towards his crotch. When I'm there, though, I surpass completely his hardness (he doesn't like the teasing smile I shoot at him while doing so) and start to lick the sensitive skin of his navel. My face touches to his erection lightly and I enjoy the gasping moan that my action coerces from his throat. I revel in the smoothness of his skin (see, I understand completely, why he likes me smooth). His knees lift slowly, almost by themselves to prompt my attentions towards the area between them, as his voice drifts into new heights and drives my pulse to an erratic drumming in my chest and ears._

_Then I really can't take it anymore. I pull up and in a swift motion and lay down on him, forcing his thighs apart to make way for me. After Akira complies I lean on him and kiss his lips fully, with lots of tongue and enthusiasm. I have mastered breathing through my nose, so I can do that for quite a long time, while my hands roam his body and then pull up his legs to wind them around my waist. _

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

_Through the years we have developed the more or less regular habit of lying around for a while after sex in each others' arms, until one of us decides that he is done with being all sticky. This time he is the one who gets up first, and ten minutes later we both are ready to sleep. I remember having wanted to turn down the heater and proceed to do so while he is still in the bathroom, and then crawl into the bed, smoothing out the rumpled linen. _

_I am half asleep when Akira slips between the sheets and drapes his body over mine, nesting his head under my chin. He places his palm on my chest and tickles one of my nipples until I place my own hand onto his and stop it, smiling at his antics. I swear I can hear him smirking and I feel the urge to open my eyes. But I am just too lazy and comfortable. I feel him moving and the next instant my lips are captured by his own and I succumb to the warm and wet fuzziness of the kiss. We continue to play with our tongues and mouths until we get too sleepy. He complains a bit about being hot and extricates himself from my embrace. He ends up in his usual position with his bottom turned towards me, and eventually drifts off for the night._

_I am very careful not to wake him up as I slip out of the bed and sit down again before my computer._

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

I know it is perhaps not the best idea of me to deprive myself of much needed sleep since tomorrow is our big day, but I just can't lay on my back when my head is full of things I yet have to tell.

I told you about how our life got after we left Japan but not why we are back now. Though if someone is reading this, I cannot imagine they don't know about it already, seeing as it has been on every media for a while, much like the case with the funeral-scandal. Fact is that we have been invited back after ten years of playing for other countries and winning several international tournaments. Evidently, people have reconsidered having condemned us for what we do outside of Go, and decided that we are good enough to play for our nation after all. I don't want to blame anyone, since people who have invited us back are hardly the same ones who have cast us away fourteen years ago. Some of them had died; some just retired or lost their venom.

Touya Koyo is still alive and unforgiving – hard-headed as ever. Akira has tried to mend things with him, but he hasn't even granted permission to see him, when Akira went to visit. After that he wrote a letter, apologizing for 'not showing the respect due to his father' – that I have found ridiculous, by the way, and managed to get into a row with Akira about it – but not for being what he is and the choices he has made in his life. He told him straight that he was proud of who he has become, what the two of us have accomplished together in our life – in our careers as well as our private one. He has offered reconciliation if his father would be willing to lay aside his prejudices and see past their differences. There was no answer to his letter and he hasn't written any more.

Touya Meijin is but one end of the equation. Most of the people are more forgiving towards us. The world has changed; people have changed to be more accepting. Or perhaps they are willing to take us the way we are, because they now think us to be some American celebrities who are allowed to be _different_.

I'm not sure what I should think, but I have decided that it doesn't matter for me. We are here now, reinstalled into the Go world of Japan, and nobody cares about our private lives as long as we don't draw attention to it. Our life is like the one we thought we could have had, all those years ago.

Now here we are at 38… oh, and married… I know, I know! Okay, the story is: once we have been to Las Vegas at a Go tournament. Whoever had thought that someone could hold a serious Go event in Vegas? Never mind. To continue, on the last night we both got soused with other players, and found this Elvis-Chapel. The truth is, I don't remember the half of what happened, only that both of us laughed so hard, we couldn't say our oaths properly - and the 'wedding night' afterwards in the adjacent motel, on a gaudy, pink, heart-shaped waterbed. Not that it changed anything in our lives, apart from providing a good opportunity to shock Waya shitless… What counts is that we are together, doing what we have always wanted to do - play Go.

I'm not sure we would be still together had we stayed here, had Akira's past remained unexposed. I don't know how long we could have held up the pretense, and how long it would have lasted until we decided that we are fed up with the secrets and chose the easier path. Waya and Isumi did that after all. They never came out with their relationship and never told anyone their true preference. Both of them got married and have children of their own, though they continued to be friends, maybe more occasionally. But their relationship wasn't strong enough to survive under these circumstances. I wonder if our case didn't have something to do with their decision. I wonder if we would have done the same in their position.

Maybe America was good to us that we could be openly together and didn't have to keep it secret like they had. Or was it because they both wanted a family? I wanted to have children too; it just seemed always so far away. Now… I don't know. But I don't fear to loose Akira because of that. Remember? Married? But that's not the real reason, of course. I have faith in us and I know that he also has. We can always adopt.

I'm babbling, I know. The point is that we are quite happy, if I dare say so. Our lives weren't always like that, and there are still people who would like it better, had we stayed where we were, but they are now the minority, or at least not the majority. Other Go professionals on our level tend to judge us based on our game and not our sexuality, which isn't their concern. The ones who think it is have no say in how things are and cannot make us leave again. Not that they haven't tried at first, because they have. And I'd have hated the disappointment in Akira's eyes, had they succeeded. Neither of us said it out loud, for fear it could go awry again, but we both want this to last. This is our home and this is the place where most of our friends and families still are. This is where we want to stay. This is where our futures lay. Some of it has already begun.

Tomorrow is the last day of the Meijin finals. That means, whoever is going to win, will be the new Meijin. And the two finalists are Akira and I.

End of story. Everything else belongs to the future.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

A/N: everything I wrote here about Go in the USA is based on my guess and artistic license. If someone discovers a rude mistake in it, I will correct it willingly.

A/N2: I don't plan a sequel. It just seemed odd to write 'The End' after that last sentence. :P


End file.
